Thursday, November 26, 2009
First the oceand little bumps skirt around with no idea for life and the circumstances that are not really all that forboding when you think about it right..heyyy anyone want a pencil?
You are the scariest little piece of hometown magic I've ever touched.
Copenhagen? Nah, I seriously doubt it.
How did they find you? Did they see you on the mountain when you were flagging down what was left of the country? Flying by inside a periscope?
Sometimes sentences are too long.
Some sentences are too short.
Most sentences are manifested in some way.
Thats a relatively safe assertion.
Silence for a little while. Maybe because I'm really excited about what the song is doing right now and lots of little voices tittling around for awhile. Jumbling around and I wonder if I should fix typos.
Not because they're such a linguistic fascination, but because I feel its sort of insincere to the exercise.
God I wish i was in a different country now. I wish I was in a small village and I had a garden.
I would sell vegetables from this garden on the side of the road.
And I would make scarves. I would make scarves from the wool from the sheeps from the neighbors that live a mile down the road from me and my garden.
And maybe my husband could work in the town, or maybe he could work at home. But we could go on walks in the dark at night and splash in the river.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I don't deserve to be awake right now. I'm tired, I drank a lot, my tummy wants food, and I can't sleep.
But all I have is cheesecake right now.
It's like I keep accidentally spoiling myself rotten, and I'm not particularly pleased with it, but if it were any other way I'd feel like I was missing out.
Is this what being in your 20s is all about?
A little snippet of Kenneth 'cause this is my mood right now:
from "To My Twenties"
Kenneth do you have a minute?
And I say yes! I am in my twenties!
I have plenty of time! In you I marry,
In you I first go to France; I make my best friends
In you, and a few enemies. I
Write a lot and am living all the time
And thinking about living. I loved to frequent you
After my teens and before my thirties.
You three together in a bar
I always preferred you because you were midmost
Most lustrous apparently strongest
Although now that I look back on you
What part have you played?
My roommate just said "Congratuacheesecake." I suppose I deserve that.
After my roommate said that, and I typed that, I started watching light reflecting off of my hair in the glare of my laptop.
I don't like looking at exclamation points when I'm tired and hungover.
Such as like, this pains me:
This is what I say when I see that:
"OMG STOP JUMPING ON THAT DAMN TRAMPOLINE AND SCREAMING ABOUT SEX YOU DAMN KIDS."
but really? There's no trampoline - there's just lines and dots, okay? Lines and dots. Chew that one up and digest it. MFin' lines and dots.
Maybe I need to start knowing more intrepid young adventurers.
To fill you in on what just happened: I wrote the above sentence, looked at it disgruntled, and then wandered into the kitchen and ate a leftover half-piece of cheesecake. Matt and I know what we're doing with that cheesecake. Congratuacheesecake, everyone.
So I ate that, then I watched this girl wandering around outside of our neighboring apartment builiding. The building is about 20 feet away from our kitchen window so too many private experiences are shared. But she was wandering around with her white comforter over her head and obviously unsure of what she should be doing with it. Get your shit together, I said to her through the window. What are you doing with it? You're wandering back and forth. You're a mess, and EVERYONE is watching you. Everybody knows that you're just wandering around with a fluffy comforter over your head, probably hung-0ver. I wasn't sure if she was going to go picnic and lie down on it,or if she was throwing it in the dumpster. Eventually she flung it over what's left of an old laundry line, clumsily and sadly. Then she kept peeking under it, maybe to check for tiny monsters.
Gretchen: "Oh! she must be German."
Theresa: "Because she needs to figure her shit out?"
Gretchen: "No, Germans air out their comforters a lot."
See, I guess that makes sense.
I'm just crotchety and over-stimulated. If I can't handle someone airing out their comforter, I don't think I could handle intrepid young adventurers. At least not yet.
Queueueueueueueueueueueueueue - interesting point, eh?
Janet, who I'm talking with over the World Wide Web, just said this:
mmmm No, but I don't live with any Brits so our food is generally "international"
I believe she might be right.
It's amazing how many things I can do within one blog post:
-Bitch about exclamation points
-Bitch about British cuisine
-Talk to a friend in another country
-Talk to two roommates
-Take headache medicine
-Half-heartedly wash a few dishes
-Read Kenneth Koch
Well I'd say this about wraps up this episode of "The Ornery Ponderings of HangOverVille: Theresa Blogs Instead of Sleeps." I've had a wonderful time, and I hope you have too. See you next week!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Well I don't know about you but I'd rather end this conversation midsentence. before I make any tumbling errors in brevity or start talking about nature or some shit like a big faker whose words don't flow as quick as they could so instead they
stop and quiver before writing their words and shake out a few more syllables from their pen and hope that no one has noticed
what A BIG FAKER they are but it's ok.
It's hard to put this stuff together sometimes so relax. baby there are other scraps
to chew on and more morsels to remember at just the right moment before you finally drop your hands
and lean in for the most memorable kiss of your life.
Trust me. We'll remind you. about it.
Couldn't forget if we tried like a bunch of assholes sitting around waiting for the biggest chili cook-off ever to get going. No No Stevenson, the hot chilis go over there. God what an asshole.
Maybe we should just go sneak off for a quick cuddle.
The fall is so lovely this time of year.
I got a 10$ traffic ticket from the city of Ypsilanti. I wrote 1/3 of a poem on the envelope they gave me. Should I mail it in that way? It's like fighting the man, but in a really lame way.
Here's a list of things that I'm not doing right now:
-Sitting inside of an infrared sauna
-Listening to Kurt Cobain talk
-Pretending I'm from the Middle Ages
-Licking a dictionary
-Wearing an orange bandanna
-Fighting big time crime in a little city
-Writing a poem on the back of a parking ticket
Can you guess what I'm doing right now??
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Which is pretty rad I guess.
Bad for blogging.
Right now I'm sitting at work, with a dirty plate next to me that used to have homemade pizza on it (my mommy made it) and also a water bottle which I'd say is only 1/8th full of water right now.
Between what I just wrote and writing this, I finished my water, turned down the music (it got randomly loud and I can't stand that), then talked with Ian about why my blog keeps getting so many hits. But just about shapes, and I only get tons of hits in random spurts from particular countrys (currently, it's the UK who is interested in shapes.)
Turns out, though, I am the first Google image result if you search "Shapes". I'm pretty proud of myself.
Here is a little ditty I just came up with:
Spiders spider Why do you spider Are you a spider? Magic potion, evil lotion crazy finessing carpal tunnel don't forget the pudding package.
Here's a bunch of written noises you can say outside to yourself - but only if you'd like.
PLONK (a personal favorite)
Interestingly enough that last noise is also a word. That word looks like this: Panda.
Here's a picture of a Panda:
Most, but not all, pandas are black and white.
Are pandas are a part of your life? Try to take some time out of your day, every day, for pandas. It's easy if you can make it into a routine! One easy way to remember to think of pandas is every time you go to the bathroom, sit there quietly, and ponder pandas and their mysteries. That way you can do what you need to do, and incorporate pandas. Soon enough you and pandas will be closer than you have ever imagined you could be!
Worked for me.
I'm intrigued by the idea of another piece of pizza.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Babel poetry has really been doing it for me lately. Check out Marshall's blog for more info on his invention.
The following poem doesn't strictly adhere to the tenants of Babel poetry originally laid down by its founder, but like I said, its been almost three years. Also, way to go Google Translator - I had to switch to Yahoo! Babel Fish because Google Translator was too good and wasn't providing enough hilarity. Thanks Yahoo for still suckin'.
(thanks one way or another
YOU look at the effective good, truly ironic
Too badly pulls it, I didn' t knows that! Your eye constitution is very pretty!
Possession side effect right homology. Your Righteousness is true.
This Resident in one direction right one type elephant acutane.
Your eye make-up is pure beautiful!
I purely helped me.
I purely is escape yet respectively, means that work will break you as ever with, a but on the front of opposition, purely there is different his thing!
All side effects are the same. You are correct.
That which writes in the knob where he [sopreden] persona it is important:
Drinks permits Multi waters!! Right principal key spoon for water joint work!!
PARTS OF DRINKS OF WATER!! The hydration is the main key!!
Part!! of scandal beverage Receiving is an important key!!
Part!! the beverage of scandal to obtain important key!!
MANY THE DRINKS WATER! ! The hydratie is the most important key!
2. So The u possession or possession dried characteristic skin skin, and the ur elder sister younger sister possession or possession oil greasy the mark skin skin, and u possession gold sends harmony ur sis possession old mysterious the brown color hair, the still way complete extremely phase elephant u woman child (non- elephant possession oil greasy either dried characteristic skin skin use human watching happening coming different or east duty no west)
3. thus u it has or had the dry skin and ur the brother she has or she had the oily skin and u they have the blonds hair and ur the $sis she has brown hair strange and however the girls u globally similarly (no as the possession the oily or dry skin makes the persons appears different or nothing)
4. where There is a dry skin and or consequently is u and blonds heads and a brown head which is strange the sibling who is to UR she or she is a oily skin and to u them there are UR $sis her there is and the young girl u similar but world-wide, when (the possession makes the meteor dry skin person, is different, or, anything does not appear),
5. where the dry skin and/or or consequently u and the head of blonds and brown head which is strange offset which to UR it or it oily skin and to u they there UR of $sis it there and small girl u similar but possession makes with meteor persona of dry skin, friend, or, that -[nibyd] it does not appear), it world, when
6. thus you have or had dry the skin and ur with the sister or had the skin oily and fair its to have and ur has to you located the bizar brown its and yet completely similar umeisjes (if it to have or dryness of the oily skin makes different people look at or n' import what),
regardless of how the impression, thanks
in any event thanks
(thanks one way or another
in any case the thanks
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
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If you feel like this blog post needs explanation, feel free to ask me in the comment thread. Otherwise, let it touch your heart in whatever way seems right.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
2. I was in North Carolina all last week.
3. I woke up this morning and there was a mime directing foot traffic at the corner of Huron and Michigan.
4. This city becomes such a dumb and silly circus during the Heritage festival. For some reason I can't ever take Ypsi seriously.
5. And there's no parking on my street.
6. The coffee we had in North Carolina was pretty good, but nothing is topping this right now. Unless I had a cigarette. But I don't smoke anymore. Except for sometimes.
7. There's this car-crushing event going on in depot town. Donate a car, and then WATCH IT DIE! Stick around for the Young Children event.
8. I cleared out my overflowing Spam box without thinking today. What a disappointment - it was ripe for a poem. Now I'll have to wait for next week's harvest.
9. I bought little tiny baby red fruits from the co-op today. I got them because they were cute. They were also relatively inexpensive.
10. I haven't had a beer in a week. A beer sounds really delicious.
11. Between the last point and this point, I checked out a couple blogs, and sneezed twice. Before I write the next point, I'm going to get up and blow my nose.
12. Between the last point and this point, I blew my nose, as promised - but. I also greeted Marshall, asked him if he was sticking around for awhile, he said yes. But he also couldn't hear me the first time I asked. This keeps happening. Have I been talking quieter the past few days?
13. A mystery, for sure.
15. I LISTENED TO THE KIDS ON STRIKE SHOW THIS MORNING. IT WAS COOL. THEY PLAYED A REALLY GREAT SONG ABOUT A GUY NOT WANTING TO GO TO WORK AND JUST WANTING TO PRACTICE HIS TRUMPET. KIND OF LIKE THAT DRUM SONG BUT INSTEAD IT WAS TRUMPETS.
16. Between that last point and this one, I asked Marshall why I got almost 800 hits on my blog last week, mostly from countries in Eastern Asia and the South Pacific.
17. Midway through typing up that last point and this one, we discussed starting an affirmative action program to have white people mug other white people who are thinking that a black person is about to mug them.
18. I'm almost out of coffee.
19. I got 336 hits on Tuesday alone.
20. And they all were from a Google image search (don't know the search term), that linked to my entry about shapes. Which I wrote in June.
21. Did that side of the world all of a sudden decide they were interested in Shapes?
22. I know I've always been interested in shapes.
23. I'M A PARAKEET I'M A PARAKEET PARA PARA PARA PARA PARAKEEEEEEEEEEE
24. Between that last point and this point I decided not to put the last "t" on parakeet.
26. I made up for it in number 25.
27. While I was in North Carolina, I climbed a mountain in order to stand atop a huge phallus.
28. "They" "call" "it" "Chimney Rock."
29. I would call it Cock Rock.
30. It weirded me out that the park didn't try and capitalize on this in some kitschy way. Even the already kitschy tourist shops didn't sell "Climb Atop Chimney Rock - Giggle Giggle Snort" t-shirts. I wondered if there was something wrong with me and I was like that kid in that one movie who saw penises everywhere. But then my boyfriend's mom agreed with me.
31. OH THANK GOD.
32. It didn't bother me that this thing existed and was a tourist attraction - it just bothered me that nobody was pointing at it in wonder and excitement. I live in a town with a huge stone penis as a landmark, and trust me we're anything but classy about it. Why? Because it's a huge stone penis. That's why.
33. Phallus Shapes.
34. Reason for point 33: To continue cropping up in the search results for all the people in Australia, New Zealand and the Republic of Korea who are anxiously googling the word "shapes." And maybe get some porn-hungry people, too.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
if that lady does not shut up
you know that shit is just disgusting!
use any kind of antibiotics in this case....don't eat chicken, burger
or any kinds of food with oil and choles..eat well (posively early) don't smoke.
You are right, Katy. Mostly Brits use the word spelt. I hate when people come on YouTube
and think they're the 'shit' and they don't know shit themself.
I love this :) Ahhhaaa i have a headache..
or Duac gel.
It's an antibiotic and acidic gel
prognathous peter piper prudently picked a poorly prepared putrid pack
of pukey poison pickled peppered puss packed pimples
ha i got i pete piper picked a pack of pikeled peppers peter piper picked
thats what the lady is saying listen carefully
i use clearisil and it works great
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa h holy shit discusting bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh bleh bleh bleh
what's the name of the song?
ant that a kick in the head
are those mentos
this is sick
fuck take3 ashot gun!!!!!!!!!!1
it would be funny if his piense would be a pimple lol he would confuse the sperm
and acne hahahahahaha goosebumps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what happend at the end? did he pop his face or what? ?????
its a BOIL....they have medicine for that.
I remember when I got a pimple under my armpit. Hurt like a motherfucker. Until
I grabbed and twisted the thing until it exploded. It felt so good after that.
i had the same thing THIS CRAP HURTS LIKE HELL
OMFG. YOUR ARM JUST TOOK A SHIT
idk but wtf why'd he smell it?? lmao
ah ouch it looks like that really hurts. how did you get it?
how does this even fucking happened?
wtf!! GROSS DUDE!!
u shuld get that shit checked out
is ja wie n siamesischer zwilling O_o
omfg i fucken puked
Buy a new camera, tell Jody to get another Zit and make another movie
wtf! why am i watching this!!
get a better camera
so thats were dolly partons boob went.
Kids say hello to your new baby
i don't think that is a pimple looks like a boil
oh, im british and i'm a little cunt
fat ass soft cocks
Oh wow, this man is a big baby, I've seen kids with bigger "owies" act more like
men, for God's sake.
it's not done. if it still hurts that much then it's still full o' stuff!
doo-da-doo-da, camp town lady sings this song doo-da-doo-da haa haa whats all that do de dar gr?? Looks like what the swedish chef would say (remember Jim Henson's Muppets?)
what are you talking about?
i put my 16 inch up that monkeys ass
that y he is making those faces
that was so wrong
wish it was longer
i expected to see a monkey on crack
that was so gay
it' s funny
HAHA HIS MOUTH
Oh man, this classic...
padrig harontin hamster style
i love the part where the hamster were eating and
when one hamster was giving flowers lolz
I used to have hamster but they all die and they don't last long
The second to last pic was a guinea pig, from the old blockbuster commercials...:/
that was interesting.......i guess......
I miss the Blockbuster Bunny and Guinea Pig :(
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I Have a Dream
I have a dream !
from an asian
hey...you don't know whats the real meaning of that speech!!! he wants EQUAL
treatment between black American and white American..
i was kidding what retard thinks that african americans came from kanada illegally
as immogrants that just retarded. i was makin fun of retarded racists who know shit :)
why are you al so rascist u shitheads i hate all u gay rascisct raggots im proud
ofbeing black alluwhite hatrs go back to ur fuckin gay hovels!
...wowfan199...what you saying makes no sense, you accusing white of racist
but you a homophobic...keep it real...hate is hate!
i got shivers from this speech...simply amazing
if you have nothing nice to say, dont say it because it will hurt they're feelings
Awesome way to help serve others and for people to make a donation to a good cause.
Check your attitudes at the door and listen to what they were trying to do!
God loves all his children
Vol - God loves you too :)
I like atheist mustard just as much as relious mustard. That's cause mustard
is mustard. Same goes for people...unless some idiot starts to talk out loud about
their religion to me. Keep it to yourself please, but pass me the mustard. =)
You're right see you on the other side ---wait, I won't because you'll be burning in hell.
Sure you want to take that chance?
Before you start bashing a religion take a moment to learn about it.
nickelback always has dramatic videos
This song is so legendary!!
I want to make love to it!
The video is also so fucking awesome!!!
May absolut favorit song :D Nickelback are the greatest!
omfg, beautiful video, beautiful song, soo sad :(
Ok..The owner of WMG caa go fuck himself at night he's dumb!
WMG claimed enoguh shit, That's why WMG's YouTube profile is all
gone they only have hte friedns and subscribers and subscriptions and on videos
they used ot haave videos and no they don't thats hwy WMG is
claiming videos now!
A LOT OF VIDEOS!
eu amo ele
Linda a musica!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
i love dis song!!!!!!!!!!
Pus Cyst on Back Popped Squeezed Exploded
Please keep us updated on how he's doing. I hope it won't come back!
OMG WTF vomit. sooo disgusting.
WTF thatsa disgusting LOL
what is a cyst exactly?
thats his fat
Kind of looked like what an union ring looks inside.
I'm never eating union rings again.
Great video! Good job draining cyst...doctor couldn't have done better
nasty and fascinating!
Completely agree with u!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
1. I did Tae Bo in my living room today. My roommate watched me for a bit. The house across from ours had their curtain open a bit. I wondered if they were watching me too. Then I wondered if I had the opportunity to watch myself do Tae Bo if I would take it.
2. There's this kid sitting on the couch (he's itching his scalp right now.) I know him because he's an old friend of mine's little brother (bro) - but I don't think he knows me. His brother and him look pretty much the same, which always pissed off my friend because his brother is gay. My friend was a bit of a homophobe. Probably still is. I haven't seen him in years.
3. I think I pinched a nerve in my neck. Any headward rightwise movement hurts. I'm sitting exceptionally still right now. At least neck-up. My fingers are moving. My legs are crossed under the table.
4. But anyway, so this gay-brother of my friend is probably a really nice kid, but I've never liked him. I was reading an EMU publication once and recognized this kid's name. The publication had printed about five his poems, and was screaming "Oh my god. We love this guy." I thought that was neat, but thought his poetry was boring and stupid. Not stupid. Mostly boring.
5. I made chocolate covered strawberries for my roommates today. I dipped the strawberries in chocolate and rum, and then I dipped them again.
6. So, I thought to myself "hey, if this hack can get into this publication, I bet you anything my poetry could get into it." I submitted a few of my poems. Absolutely none of them got in.
7. My best friend's future husband's sister is sitting at the table in front of me. She's talking with people I don't know. She turned around earlier to tell me that I'm the most ridiculous person she's ever met. I wasn't sure how to respond because it's 5 pm, and I'm on my first cup of coffee. Not to sound like an addict, but I am.
8. Marshall told me it was probably better that I didn't get into the EMU publication. Means I'm more interesting or something. I like to agree with that, and think "oh, my poetry is just too new and controversial." But it's always hanging over my head that maybe my poetry is just boring and stupid.
9. That would mean that my post-friend's gay brother was right all along. He's still scratching his scalp, by the way.
10. Looks like he's working on a poem right now, too. I keep staring at him. I'm so sorry. You seem like a really decent guy - but this is all your fault.
11. As of yesterday, I want to perform stand-up comedy routine's in art galleries. But first I have to figure out stand-up comedy. Then I have to sell it to the curators like I'm doing something besides just stand-up comedy. Unless they're awesome. Then they won't care.
12. Shit. He just looked at me. Maybe he knows.
13. Have you ever wondered if anyone has ever written a whole blog entry about you?
14. This is thought 14.
15. This is thought 14.
16. This is thought 14.
17. My coffee wasn't very hot when I got it. Kinda like it that way.
18. I walked past the new-ish pizza place that nobody is going to (their fault. they're a very, very boring pizza place. or so it seems. i've never gone there.) This little girl was sitting on a barrier in the parking lot. She sat with her legs up like a spider and glared at me.
19. I wanted to buy a syringe from Meijer today. It was to pump up the strawberries with rum.
20. I couldn't find any, so I made a sales associate nervous in front of her manager, who then fielded the question of if they had any syringes.
21. Turns out they didn't have any. Instead I bought this huuuuge meat-marinade-inserter which, to make a boring story short, didn't work.
22. He asked me calmly if it was for medical use.
23. I told him no. It was for boozing strawberries.
24. It's interesting to me that I said "sales associate." I laid in bed the other morning thinking about how much that term pisses me off. Or more so that that term has to exist.
25. Call them your damn employees, or staff, and treat them well. Cut out the damn lip service of calling them "associates." fuck you meijer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
27. For the first string of exclmation points, I pressed the key each time - making staccato exclamation points. The second string, I just held the key down. You probably can't tell the difference, but if you can, feel free to let me know in the comment thread. BELOW.
Monday, August 3, 2009
And my mom's gonna kill me because I'm using deodorant with aluminuminnit
and there has to be a way of figuring this out
Hello this is the _________ this is ________ speaking.
Underline blank spacey things are pronounced like this:
and that is pronounced like static
Don't predictive text me, asshole, like you can ever guess what I'm gonna write next
I'm a renegade
I'm a KKKAHHHHCHAAAKHHAKAHCHHAAAA
in the beginning was the word was the word was the word was the word
and the word was with God God God God God God GodGodGodGodGodGod
and the word was _________________
and we're shaking as we're doing this
and the word was God
in the beigning was the word wasnd thword was god
In the beginning was the Word
the bird is the word
the word is the bird and the word was god and god made the birds with the wordy birdy bird bird
He was in the beginning with God
All things were made with him and without him nothing was made nothing was made nothing was made nothing mawasamdwhatodntongit was made
and my mom is gonna KILL me
I'm using DEODORANT
and it has ALUMINUMinnit
Oh my Word I'm shaking
Oh my God I'm shaking
(What an obvious connection)
(Did you notice how I said “oh my word” then I said “oh my God”)
(I did that to highlight the Bible passages I just quoted, because they talk about god and words and like how they're the same and stuff)
nothing was made
nothing was made
that has been made
not even lemonade was made
and that's a promise but I'm scared of that promise
and I'm trembling in my boots
in him was lfie and the lfie was tehlight of men.
Because that's something that makes sense. Get it?
Nothing was made til the light of men was lifed.
Til was the men of nothing light was lifed made.
the ligh of men.
and if you life fish and grits and all that pimp shit
everybody let me hear you say Oh yay-er
Where my ladies at?
Where my ladies at?
Throw yo hands up
Throw yo hands up
Throw yo hands up
Common Misconceptions About Things Which Don't Matter
Lightbulbs – come on down!
Thinking things about stuff
Dishwasher Detergent – Try a free sample, today!
Very large rodents and their mannerisms
The Female Sex: Where Do They Keep It?
Just how angry are you?
The light shines in the darkness
and the darkness has not overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it
but when it does
we be all like _______________________
Damn predictive text predicting my shit. It can predict the word “predict” now. My words are making themselves. I'm just the great typer and you can go make yourself and stuff and I'll just sit back and push things
but if the darkness over comes it...we'll be here.
we're walking pooping artifacts that this is as real as it gets
Monday, July 27, 2009
1. Hey there. What can I do for you?
2. Would you like a big one or a little one?
3. I thought you were working Tuesday.
4. I haven't had to do anything today that caused me pain.
5. Mocha for Erica. Erica. Mocha.
6. Do you live around here?
7. I would try Salvation Army.
8. When I come back you better be ready to put in your order, otherwise you'll keeping doing badly in your job interview.
9. Oh, really?
10. I don't think anyone has noticed.
11. They'd be all like, hooray, we've finally penetrated the Muslim community.
12. Does that taste okay?
13. Oh, ok.
14. No, she was just a crazy person. A lune.
15. Hellooooo Kevin!
16. Whenever I lose my voice, I try to talk as much as possible.
17. It makes talking an adventure.
18. I was going to make a pie for his party anyway, so that could work out rather perfectly.
19. So uh give me a call and we can figure out a time.
22. Your total will be $6.68 Jason Bennett.
23. And if you could just sign this copy for me.
24. How much are you gonna expand?
25. Do you have time to wait - I have to brew another pot.
26. But I know if I say like "hey it's too cold in here, turn down the AC" they'll change it, and I'll be all like "hey hey it's too hot in here." So I usually just wear a sweatshirt.
27. Hey, hows it going?
28. That shouldn't be a problem um I just need to talk to the employee who is working tomorrow. How many people will you have? Ok, 6-8 people is great.
(NOTE: The last one was posted on a gmail conversation. The rest were spoken word.)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Ah, Yes. The open road. Nothing quite like it.
The fresh air. The rolling hills.
I do wish there were a healthier selection of restaurants along the way.
A-ha! I think I smell a business opportunity.
That's not opportunity, Dad. We're passing a cattle farm.
Try our boot camp classes
I WAS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED!
I worry about Sakura playing in the waves. What if she encounters a shark?
Oh, I'm sure we can find a marine biologist who can stitch it back up.
Who is our sponsor?
Me. I don't enjoy fundraising.
Alfie's dad said his company could sponsor us.
That's the other reason.
Money is Money.
Some money is more expensive than other money
Alfie's dad wants to know if you got Alfie that pro contract yet.
So...we begin another day of unending summer fun!
You have prepared some fun green popsicles, and I have chosen a fine fun rerun of "F-Troop" for our television viewing pleasure!
Let the fun begin!
...at least we have fun popsicles.
I made 'em with string bean juice!
HEY! I SMELL RIBS!
YEAH! WITH BARBECUE SAUCE AND POTATO SALAD!
DRAT! IT'S JUST GRIMES' SHIRT.
"Your problems are caused by all-or-nothing thinking. It's either that, or you don't have any problems."
We have reviewed your manuscript and wish to publish your incredible tale of survival...
I'm your neighbor from two doors down.
Hi. I'm Sarah Bucket.
Nice to meet you.
Um...is this your tree?
Mwa Ha Ha Ha! Fools! The identity of the one who stole your precious plank of wood is at long last revealed!
IT IS I!!
You know this guy?
No clue. You don't know him?
Harry, A Bar in Spain is Attracting customers by encouraging them to insult the Bartender.
the best insults Gets you a Free Drink and some tapas.
You know what would be More Fun?
If the customers PAID to be insulted...didn't you try that.
People stayed away in Droves.
It'll catch on eventually.
Ugh. You again.
THE PROBLEM WITH A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS.
"Marm! Stop begging!"
Never you mind whose ringtone this is!
ok...so what would Capt. Eddie do?
Think about it
With the exception of gravity, that worked great.
Well, I didn't say it was a perfect plan
What are ya doin', Brutus?
I'm watching birds!
Why are erasers pink? It's not very manly!
I've learned a lot from the general
What could you learn from him?
Well, one thing...
...Age doesn't bring wisdom
Sunday, July 12, 2009
2. I woke up today thinking the electric silence had settled onto my house because my alarm clock was blank and sad.
3. But my fan was going. So I was wrong.
4. Yesterday, I wrote this:
It has come to my immediate attention that the plumbing needs attention5. Then I wrote that over and over while not looking at the keyboard and not backspacing:
It has come to my immediate atetnion that th epllumbing needs atetnion
It has coemto timy immediate attention that tpulbming needs attention
Ithascome mto my immediate attention that the lpubming nedsattention
6. Then I wrote it while reading a story that Ian was telling me about a gorilla.
it has domet o my atteniont ahtplubming needs atteniton
ita hscme to my attention that plubming needsa tention
it has come to my attention that plubmig the neesatt
ehit has come to my attention tkathe atptne
ithas hoemt o m aytentioned atn dpthe plubming needs atettnion
it has coem to my adtowktj the daily plumbing tneeds attehos
it hascometo my attention that eplbi the bplugming wheedsa tento
it ha scome to wideht so abne the plumbing eenedsa toethat
ithwieofkan theti attnetptlwiethw
ehtowkd ahte moce to my wotkat dawg tjwotea pwitjw thbplumginb the needsa toet wha
ttnetiwht plubmginb with tahto ia tettenio the plbuing needsa ttention
athi htas hdc obhaveoc ome to my tattneto that ehplbumignb needs attentino
it has come tow pdumb sod steowk datthet plubming needsa ttention
ait has come ot my ashtwot abeve thatplumbing needsa
tit has come to my imdattention the plbujthe pgng enedsa ttention
hwat it has that oev ave thou have tppanthteplubming thneddsa ttention
ahve ttoajw ehyouave atteniton hte pblugminb have tyou aveeeht ave toh atent
have tha tevoekt alt wohvat ehok jt ewoa thave tho k
have tyou dahs to cme to attention taot wpl ave the ogorialla
the fot aks fow ekf attento n
the tha plubming neds attention
the pbus fowme woek the oald vevjw oa t
avofkw iat hav socomeing tow ding wo th may s ttent aow kdf eowkt ha eoe t
hat ekow dmt how tplutig bint he
aotkw dfow daks thwow
the gokf wlsob iwthe createure
ahtoef eiruthw dlfow
thathi hate has ocme to my attetnotiw the lade
thate dolave thao you that
thefoa veht oaieht plamgltit lia htate whave frealyy about athe pboreaa ble the howle
7. Points of Interest: the word "ogorialla" 13 lines up from the bottom.
8. I had a dream last night that I was wearing a really great skirt, but with my underpants down around my ankles. People would say "Hey, great skirt. Weird...underpants."
9. I woke up and sifted through my pile of clothes that's graces the threshold to my closet, and got embarrassed thinking about how I wore my underpants around my ankles the day before.
10. I was ashamed.
11. Later I remembered it was a dream.
12. Yesterday I had a lot of really interesting thoughts.
13. Today is looking okay too.
14. But not, like, GREAT.
15. These people are doing a crossword puzzle. Apparently it's hard today. Apparently its always harder on Sundays. Apparently they always gets together on Sundays to do the crossword puzzle.
16. "Sumpter" was one of the answers to their puzzle
17. I'm wearing a tick-tock click-clock. Ticktock ClickClock TickClock TockClick ClockTick
19. It's never too late to start planning for the future.
20. So why start now?
21. A Hand Grenade Sand Parade!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
They are all around us.
They move the world around us.
They ARE the world around us.
Say hello to...
My immediate favorite is the parallelogram, but I could be persuaded otherwise.
An excellent question. The answer to it is below.
The function of Shapes is to house color. Just like how white picket fences house gardens, and gardens house houses, and houses house you - Shapes were created and are maintained for one single purpose: giving color a place in our universe.
THE HISTORY OF SHAPES
Before Shapes were invented (archaeologists call this the "Pre-Shape Era," heretofore abbreviated "P.S.E.") , Colors were forced to scatter throughout the world. Chaos was Color's only master, and Wreckless Abandon its only describing adjective.
The picture above is a Scientist's rendering of the world during the P.S.E.
What a stupid and ugly mess it was.
Fortunately, in 1756 a group of inspired young Venetians formed The Diplomatic and Creative Aesthetic Committee of the World and Other Places. T.D.C.A.C.W.O.P. was lead by the then unrecognized genius, though now formally acknowledged, Alexander Graham Bell.
They sequestered themselves inside of a shapeless-room and came up with the solution to the chaotic shit-hole of Earth: SHAPES. With Shapes, the Earth could finally keep Color in tidy and neat portals, and we could organize, reorganize, and process Color.
It brought empowerment to the lower-classes, and stability to the floundering aristocracy.
IN WHAT HISTORICAL EVENTS HAVE SHAPES "LENT A HAND?"
Shapes have "lent many a hand." Here's just a handful of examples:
-The Fording of the Seine
-The American Silver War
-Numerous "Golf Pro and Tennis Ho" parties.
-The Chinese Cultural Revolution
-The Discovering of the Internet
-The Great Soup Drought of 2011
WHAT ARE SHAPES FAVORITE COLORS?
WHAT DO SHAPES HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
Not a whole lot, actually. Shapes are nearly autonomous structures that receive minimal government subisidies in the U.S.A., U.K. and many other E.U. countries. Countries in Africa, Asia, South America, and the many Countries inside of Canada have borrowed Shapes from World Banks in order to jump-start their own Shape-programs. The banks are luckily able to offer these loans at relatively low-interest rates.
Besides the minimal tax dollars that go toward maintaining Shapes, they can keep themselves fed and watered.
Below are photos of Shapes. Some of them may surprise you! But remember, Shapes are everywhere.
Open your mind to the possibility of Shapes.
I hope you've enjoyed looking and thinking about Shapes with me! I hope that the information was concise and educational. Luckily the internet makes access to this knowledge easy and affordable. Such as like, I was able to write this whole entry in less then 20 minutes. In times past, people would have to go to college to learn all this stuff.
Remember what the Girl Scouts of America taught us: A circle is round. It has no end. That's how long I want to be your friend.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
It's sort of like a dating service for lonely questions.
Q. Why are there guys "working" on an"electric box" on my street, and why is it taking them three weeks to do "it"? Are they government spies?
A. Absolutely not. Any high-quality shoe should work just fine.
Q. What's your favorite place to go out for burgers?
A. Open the garage, and it'll be to your left, right next to the bike.
Q. What's a good way to earn some extra cash during a recession?
A. The giraffe is the fastest land animal.
Q. Where can I buy a high quality Ethiopian Yirgacheffe?
A. The key is the universal key for the whole church, and the janitor probably has a copy.
Q. How is orange?
A. Very good.
Q. Where's the bathroom?
A. This town used to center around a large glass factory, which explains the high volume of sea glass to be found on the shore.
Q. What can I get you to drink?
A. I'm only in Berlin for a week, so thanks, but no thanks.
Q. What's your new novel about?
A. We have access to hundreds of mortgage loan packages: Commercial, Residential, Reverse mortgages, FHA, VA and up to 80% LTV hard earned money.
Q. Why are they stocking so many expensive wine imports?
A. Moccasins are actually very comfortable, and inexpensive to make!
Q. How are you doing?
A. Perfectly adequate, considering my health and current living situation.
Monday, June 15, 2009
To remedy that, I will employ my translation mechanism, which converts every single letter into an Upper Case letter.
Activate Translation Mechanism.
TRANSLATION MECHANISM ACTIVATED.
in Just- by E.E. CUMMINGS
SPRING WHEN THE WORLD IS MUD-
LUSCIOUS THE LITTLE
WHISTLES FAR AND WEE
AND EDDIEANDBILL COME
RUNNING FROM MARBLES AND
PIRACIES AND IT'S
WHEN THE WORLD IS PUDDLE-WONDERFUL
OLD BALLOONMAN WHISTLES
FAR AND WEE
AND BETTYANDISBEL COME DANCING
FROM HOP-SCOTCH AND JUMP-ROPE AND
YOUR DISCOVERY, AND YOUR SECRECY TO THE KING AND
QUEEN MOULT NO FEATHER. I HAVE OF LATE - BUT WHEREFORE
I KNOW NOT - LOST ALL MY MIRTH, FORGONE ALL CUSTOM OF
EXERCISES; AND INDEED IT GOES SO HEAVILY WITH MY
DISPOSITION THAT THIS GOODLY FRAME, THE EARTH, SEEMS TO
ME A STERILE PROMONTORY, THIS MOST EXCELLENT CANOPY,
THE AIR, LOOK YOU, THIS BRAVE O'ERHANGING FIRMAMENT,
THIS MAJESTICAL ROOF FRETTED WITH GOLDEN FIRE, WHY,
IT APPEARS NO OTHER THING TO ME THAN A FOUL AND PESTILENT
CONGREGATION OF VAPORS. WHAT A PIECE OF WORK IS A MAN!
HOW NOBLE IN REASON, HOW INFINITE IN FACULTIES,
IN FORM AND MOVING HOW EXPRESS AND ADMIRABLE,
IN ACTION HOW LIKE AN ANGEL, IN APPREHENSION HOW LIKE
A GOD! THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD, THE PARAGON OF ANIMALS!
AND YET, TO ME, WHAT IS THIS QUINTESSENCE OF DUST? MAN
DELIGHTS NOT ME - NO, NOR WOMAN NEITHER, THOUGH BY
YOUR SMILING YOU SEEM TO SAY SO.
Act 1 Scene 1: O, She Doth Teach The Torches To Burn Bright (Spoken by Romeo). Typed with Caps Lock on.
IT SEEMS SHE HANGS UPON THE CHEEK OF NIGHT
LIKE A RICH JEWEL IN AN ETHIOPE'S EAR;
BEAUTY TO RICH FOR US, FOR EARTH TOO DEAR!
SO SHOWS A SNOWY DOVE TROOPING WITH CROWS,
AS YONDER LADY O'ER HER FELLOWS SHOWS.
THE MEASURE DONE, I'LL WATCH HER PLACE OF STAND.
AND, TOUCHING HERS, MAKE BLESSED MY RUDE HAND.
DID MY HEART LOVE TILL NOW? FORSWEAR IT, SIGHT!
FOR I NE'ER SAW TRUE BEAUTY TILL THIS NIGHT.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Duma key duma key dumdumdumduma Key.
Lite-Murmur. Diet tumor.
Hello. I got Cash Money.
Why not, Brazil? WHY THE HELL NOT.
Shuffle, pour...anticipating next noise.
The man is a gnome. The man looks like a gnome. But instead he's just a person.
Inaudible order. The gnome-man is being very quiet.
Interesting observation? So many poems full of interesting observations.
What a boring observation this is: basements are underground rooms.
Gnome-man has a friend who looks so wholesome.
Oh wait, they aren't friends.
Dear Diary, today I wish to have no use whatsoever.
You Anarchic Little Prick - stay on your side of the dream pool.
I guess gnome was a bitch.
I guess gnome was a bit harsh.
I just heard the most beautiful sound in the block. And it was a dog barking.
Like that one guy's poem was about who sucks and his poem sucks but it was about a dog barking along with Beethoven and I think maybe he didn't like that the dog was barking which isn't the reason why the poem sucks but is part of why he sucks
Japanese influenced clothing
Flu influenced clothing
Flu influenced flu
Another dumb observation: the past few sentences were influenced by the flu.
It's better to hide in the awning of the stupid then to boldly step forward and say that what you have done is clever
Thank you Confucius.
if Kanye West is the new Confucius, then the world is a good place.
Thank you dishwasher.
Your swishing is so beautiful.
Wait, no, that's the roaster.
Screw you dishwasher.
Click clack click clack
Arthur Miller - Timebends
Perhaps more of a statement: TIME BENDS
Other good words (excluding Thick):
You useless piece of loving kindness.
Forgot to take allergy medication. Poem ending.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
It's weird to think that it's frustrating to hear a busy signal when they're almost entirely extinct at this point. We have voicemail now. Why am I frustrated to hear the busy signal of a friend? How less frequent it is than their voice! And most certainly of a ringing phone!
What a beautiful, beautiful, repetitious beep.
More like an irritating throb that never reaches a climax.
It just keeps going 'til I hang up, holding onto my great news for later. Stuck inside my mouth.
The busy signal is my friend at this point.
Buh Buh Buh to you too, mister.
Sorry to gender a noise.
I just drank steamed milk. It was delicious.
I feel really guilty for not enjoying a sound. Especially one that is so endangered.
It's just that I have really great news, and I wanted to tell it now, not later, because I'm at work and it's spring break so all the students are gone and I have nothing to do. Except I have a lot to do, but not a whole lot that I really want to do right now, so I'm listening to a busy signal.
It's really not all that bad.
Phone must be off the hook. Nobody talks this long.
Friday, February 13, 2009
The thumb is the lateral-most digit of the hand.
The little finger, often called the pinky in American English and pinkie in Scottish English (from the Dutch word pink, meaning little finger), is the most ulnar and usually smallest finger of the human hand.
Opposite the thumb, next to the ring finger.
The ring finger
The ring finger is the fourth digit of the human hand, and the second most ulnar finger, located between the middle finger and the little finger.
The index finger
The index finger, also referred to as, pointer finger, forefinger, trigger finger, digitus secundus, or digitus II, is the second finger of a human hand.
The middle finger
The middle finger (also the long finger and usually the longest finger) is the third digit of the human hand, located between the index finger and the ring finger. It is also called the third finger, digitus medius, digitus tertius, or digitus III in anatomy. Mainly used by Mr. Myncia
(who the hell is mr. myncia)
In many Western countries extending only the middle finger and sometimes along with the thumb of the same hand, is an offensive and obscene gesture, colloquially known as "flipping a bird" or "Flipping someone off." In some cultures, the middle finger is used as an index, to point things out.
I use my middle finger to make money
It is located between the first and third digits - that is, between the thumb and the middle finger. It is usually the most dextrous and sensitive finger of the hand, though not the longest.
The English word "finger" has two senses, even in the context of appendages of a single typical human hand:
1. The four digits, not including the thumb.
2. Any of the five digits.
According to László A. Magyar, the names of the ring finger in many languages reflect an ancient belief that it is a magical finger. It is named after magic or rings, or called nameless.
The ring finger on this hand is circled.
There is some evidence that the ratio between the lengths of the index finger and the ring finger may be modulated by androgen exposure in the uterus.
this is the right ring finger. this is the right ring finger. this is the ring fight finger. this is the finger right ring. hell, this is your right ring finger
Hello, I am the thumb. I am one of five, companion of four.
Why 'ello mate!
In the USA a pinky swear or pinky promise is made when a person wraps one of their pinky fingers around the other person's pinky and makes a promise.
This is a picture of the pinky finger extended.
pinky pink. dinky dink. pinky.
Also in Japan, holding up a little finger while speaking of two people signifies that they are in a relationship.
Similarly, in Indonesia, when a man points his little finger downward it is a signal that he needs to urinate
So many fingers so many thumbs! So many monkeys drumming on drums!
In Australia, when a male driver is showing signs of road rage, women hold up their pinkie fingers.
More finger porn for your enjoyment.
This picture is of a human hand - index finger extended.
No picture of middle finger available.
Black sheep of the bunch...Middle finger has gone down a poor path.
We don't talk about middle finger in front of dad.
That's not just a finger. It's so much more than just a finger.
That's all we should really say about the middle finger.
I am the thumb.
I am the beginning of the hand.
I am the sign of approval.
I am the grip.
I am the straw that broke the camel's back.
I am the curve.
I am the space bar.
I am one of five, companion of four.
Thumby thumb thumb, thanks for the thumb.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I'm sorry. I'm in a state of trying to discover myself through different blog layouts.
Have I been unhappy because I've been using templates? Or have I been using templates because I'm unhappy?
I like to call this version "poop chic." It took me at least 5 minutes to find acceptable shades of brown to lay against each other. At least I feel original and less inclined toward self-deprecation now.
In order for this not to be a dreadfully narcissistic post (The whole world holds their breath as Theresa switches from color scheme to color scheme. Bracing themselves against their seats as she changes the font color from black to egg-white. "No! Not that one! Gone are the good days! Welcome, Chaos, you foul master!"), I will post a series of links to pictures that I think are pretty:
Remember: No reason to think our alphabet is the only one around. Lots of other languages have equally important and interesting alphabets.
In a similar vein, I thought this was an excessively interesting suggestion.
Have you ever met this woman? If I ever met her, I would tell her a happy thing. She looks so sad. I found her by Google Image Searching "Smacky the Insufferable." That is not a good example of a happy thing.
This is a picture of Pablo Neruda with a statue of a breasty lady behind him. Sorry to spoil the surprise!
This picture presents a lot of interesting points for discussion. What I find of particular interest is that the man's photobucket.com address implies that his name is "Adam Lester." Oh, if only his middle name was "Oliver." See if you can put that all together.
Sometimes, I do require a professional clown.
This is a link a to the color blue.
Google searching the color purple is a huge pain in the ass because of THAT DAMN BOOK! Sorry, I'm really emotionally caught up in this. This is the best example of it that I can get for now.
I'm gonna go do that picture now. I miss you. I miss you all.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Were those my glory days, and these my other days? Were those REALLY my glory days?
I live in terror of finding out how many triangles there are.
Why is my stomach making those weird sensations? What have I done to deserve this?
Do I need to order coffee for the shop today? What if I forget?
I get paid today. What if it's not enough?
IS IT EVER ENOUGH?
What if I do dare to eat a peach? One time, I ate an apple and contracted an allergy. It closed my throat. I went to the allergy doctor, and they tested me for a lot of things, besides apples. They said I could go either way with peaches: happiness or death.
Maybe I woke up too early today.
I think today could go either way.
Today isn't a poetic day. Today is a clunky and endearing today. Today fell off the shelf on top of my head, and I thought Oh, what a dust jacket.
In some ways it's nice to have lost my youth. I have an excuse to sit around and stare at the cat. I have an excuse to ensure my consumption of breakfast.
Lonely, lonely, my life is boney.
I have an excuse to say no to that next drink. Except I normally don't. That's not a function of age. That's a function of sourness.
Turn down the loud! I'm souring in here. And clutching my aged limbs to myself. If I wrap them tightly enough, they'll mummify and quit aging.
I should probably go out to Ann Arbor today.
I'd much rather just stay here on the couch. This couch used to belong to my Grandma. She grew old, too.
Growing old guarantees at least one thing: death. But it can go both ways. It can never go either way.
Death is as mysterious as peaches.
Hello Death, you sly peach!
Was hast du jetzt gemacht?
I might be yet tired.
Why do my words always hump the left margin?
They're clinging to the left margin with their scraggly finger nails crying out OH GOD DON'T DROP ME.
It's 9:22 and the bells rang 5 times.
That makes less sense. But in making less sense, the bells make sense. Whenever they establish a pattern, I get scared that my queries have been in vain, and I've just been observing a completely normal pattern of nature that some other scientists figured out long ago and I was simply too lazy to read the report.
"Ding-Dong, Bing Bong: An Exploration Into the Bells of Ypsilanti which Ring on the :22's"
Yes. That will be my report. I will be famous. Makin' so much moonnneeeeyyyy.
Dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Pat, fat, sat, rat, mat, gnat, hat, bat, cat, eat.
I think I'll go back to bed for a wee sleepsies. My anxieties weren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. Except for the one where I thought I'd lost my youth. Oooeeee...that was bad.