Masturbating Only Happens When You Try

sometimes i miss myself. then i realize, "oh hey, i've been here the whole time!" and that feels GREAT. really, i'm the friend that will never abandon me. i love myself. completely. in every single way.

sometimes i think about myself.

i'm so glad that i'm not without me. i'm really kind of fun.

i have an earnest face and only lie when its funny.
i have at least two ears.
i look funny in pictures, but sexier in real life.
that makes me better than most internets.

i make the world spin around and under me.
i am a breeze that messes up umbrellas and skirts.
but i like it, because i get to feel myself do something, and that makes me feel amazing.
and i like it when i feel amazing.

i wake up every day. there's never been a day that i've missed entirely. that's because it's a day that i get to wake up and spend with myself. i don't won't to close my eyes.
i don't want to miss a thing.

i'm so glad i get to be the girl pictured here. damn, girl.

i don't begrudge you for not being me.
that's part of why i like myself so much: i'm really generous with not hating people for not being anything like me.

in fact, it doesn't bother me one bit that they aren't me.
if they got to be me, i wouldn't be able to be.

i've been good at a number of things throughout my life, and that's really great.
sometimes i'm less good at things.
but i don't really care one way or another. either way, i get to be the person living inside of my spectacular form, animating my parts and watching myself succeeding or failing.
the outcome seems less significant when i think about it that way.

i wonder what the likelihood of me ending up being me was. 1 in a 1000? 1 in a 100bajakillion000? it's probably pretty high.

yo dog...what would it be like if i didn't luck out and end up being me? i might not like the other person i was pretending to be, as opposed to THIS person i ended up being. and being this person is PERFECTLY WONDERFUL.

really the more pertinent question is...this seems too good to be true..IS IT? am i REALLY me? or am i just suffering a hallucination and really i'm someone sucky.
like THIS guy:



oh MAN! he SUCKS!





i don't think i even know who that guy is!

i've been told: "y'know, if you love yourself so much why don't you MARRY you?"

that's a really good idea.

unfortunately, gay marriage is still illegal in michigan.



legalize marriage for all people so that i can marry myself, folks.

but then our kids would probably be the ubermensch who would end up being a real douchebag. it wouldn't be our fault - just the eugenic luck of the draw. sorry for ending the world guys.

it's true. i seen it.

Is it lunch time? Time for a disco pick me up!

Let's start your disco pick me up on the slower side to make sure you don't pull anything.



George McCrae - Rock Your Baby (1974)

It's amazing when a song can make you feel like you're spirits are so high when you're dancing so slowly. But there's something to it: sometimes it's too exhausting to shake it fast (watch yourself). Take it down a notch and rock back and forth all sexy like.

Now that you're warmed up, try out some of this guy's killer moves.


Boney M - Daddy Cool (1976)

god, I love them. And thanks to Ian Murray in general for showing me them.

Meanwhile, in Spain:


Fussy Cussy - La Vita (1976)

Love the rocky direction that one takes, and the guitars at the end.



Gloria Gaynor - Honey Bee (1973)

That one was really sexy because it was about how boys are like bees and they should go around stinging chicks more often. Thats something I can really get behind, because, like, I like boys too.

Speaking of how hot and sexy boys are, check out these fine male specimens:


now that you've gotten off, I'd say your disco pick me up is complete, and you're ready to get back to work. I hope it was good for you (too). Thanks for playing!

Tha Alkaholiks and Flute Samples

I was diggin' on Tha Alkaholiks earlier today and decided to post some of their videos.

Tha Alkaholiks came out of LA, though apparently two of the fellers are from exotic Cincinnati, Ohio. They're made up of DJ & producer E-Swift (Eric Brooks), and MC's J-Ro (James Robinson) and Tash (Rico Smith.) Thanks Wikipedia.

Here are some videos:

Tha Alkaholiks ft. Ol Dirty Bastard - Hip Hop Drunkies off of Likwidation in 1997.

Exciting song, it has this really noisy trashcan like bassline. I was excited that ODB made an appearance in this song, but uh, he seems to have missed the shooting for the video. Curious, especially during his short verse when they sort of awkwardly look at each other. But I'm pretty sure I saw Xzibit appear for a lulrandomz sighting.
Sweet whistle sample from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.

Tha Alkaholiks - The Next Level off of Coast II Coast, 1995.
Features the name "Dick Buttkiss" which I have some bizarre memory of hearing as a child. The bassline and horns reminded me of the 80s a bit, but it has this sort of dark keyboard line layered over it to make so much more 90s. Goofy bravado fun times.



Tha Alkaholiks - Lalala off of Firewater, 2006.
The video gives a sort of retrospective of the band, and has lots of cameos from smiley-faced West Coast rappers (you can say hi to Xzibit again). The song is pretty sweet, but really its all about the flute sample for me.

....and while I'm on about flute samples:


Dilated Peoples ft. Kanye West - This Way off of Neighborhood Watch, 2004.

This is the song that started my West Coast late 90's - early 2000's adventures today. A real clapper jam, Kanye is great, looking so fresh-faced and polo'd. And there's an escalator to heaven at the end. And you'll feel really inspired.

Ideas for Gabbie's Party

Gabriela Augustinaitis asked me to help her think of a name for her upcoming 23rd birthday party. Here are a few ideas I had:

1. Gabriela's 40th Birthday Blowout!

2. Fabriela's Fabulous Fiesta!

3. Losing Your Virginity: a 17th birthday party.

4. Sacrificing Virgins: A 23 Part Series

5. Ritualistic Torture and the Politics of Cannibalism in the Industrial Age: A 23rd Birthday Party

6. Copying and Pasting: Not Just Another Repeat Birthday Party

7. Remember to Floss - It's My Birthday, After All: A Hygienic Tribute to the Life and Times of Gabriela Augustinaitis

8. A Hand Job to Remember

9. Everybody Evacuate the Building in a Calm and Orderly Fashion - This Party is Going to Blow.

10. Puttin' Bombs in Presents: Gabriela's 23rd Birthday/Death Party

11. The Roof is on Fire and Your Parents Never Loved You: Come On In, It's Gabbie's Birthday

12. Don't Be Annoying - I Only Have So Many Birthday's Left

13. Don't Be a Party Pooper, But Feel Free to Poop at the Party (if you need to.)

14. Gabriela turns XXIII!

15. Must Love Sequels: Gabbie's 23rd Birthday.

16. Nobody Gets Laid: Happy Birthday, Gabbie.

This House is Mostly Not on Fire

Today was a day started with waking up. I woke up and tried to talk and couldn't find my voice, and so I panicked and coughed and squealed until better. Then I collapsed back onto my pillow and undid what I had done when I woke up.

In an hour I'll be on my way to Ikea.

An hour ago I got home from the library and made myself a fried egg and bacon sandwich. To be honest I did a bad job frying the bacon, and cooked my egg over hard as opposed to over easy because I was feeling too lazy to monitor it.

I like talking about food because I feel like I can be sincere about it. Where I can't be sincere about anything else, otherwise the Russians will kill me.

seeeeeeee??????

Feelings. Feelings. Feelings.

Here are a few pictures that explain feelings.



Right now I'm feeling glum/sulky.



I wish I was hugging an animate page. Who wouldn't want to? I know who wouldn't want to - this chick. BECAUSE SHE ALREADY IS.

Now I'm feeling furious/engaged!!!!!!!



Jokes I immediately thought of about Kimochis:

1. Am I just some sort of kimochi to you???!!
2. I think getting a kimochi is second base...I think.



This man is not happy to be holding a babby. The babby is happy to be held. Maybe this is the problem with the world.
Or that we see babby's as kimochis.

Or maybe babby's aren't kimochis and we think they are so the man is unhappy because he just realized the tiny human he is holding is only a feeling-less automaton, and really he just wants a toy with feelings inside.

I wonder at what point tiny humans get their first Feelings software installed. I'd say around age 3. Everything before that is just hunger and trapped gas.



This tiny human is trying out her new FeelingWare update. New Update includes:
-Happy Feelings
-Saucy Feelings
-Hot Dog Eating Preparation Face
-and Slightly Perturbed!

I'm actually beta testing some new software, and I've been really enjoying playing around with the Horny Feeling and Punch-Bitches-in-Face feeling. Still needs some bugs sorted out because sometimes you get horny and punch yourself in the face.


I think I should stop talking about software and gadgets because it's really obvious at this point that I don't know enough software lingo to adequately make jokes about it.

I know a few really good jokes about the smoking points of oils, though. Whooooowheeee!



Goddamm!!

What did the skillet say to the Olive Oil when it reached 375 degrees?

Oh baby, you're so hot...you're smoking!!


Ok bye.

And there was evening, and there was morning, the fifth day.

I WANNA COW!

I Want a DUCK. DO you people understand??? I know nothing. I fail on computers, Pleeeezzzz give me a DUCK!!!!!

it's not poop. it's a bee hive

I don't know how to make a duck - but i wold love to. i love ducks! i also agree with the cow. they should definitely do more animals.

There's a piece of poo, but I don't know how to make it.

I WANNA COW, DUCK, AN GECKO!!!!!! lol

i think there should be a frog and a cow and a i wanna know how to make a pice of poo.

i think there should be more animals and others

cool.... i can make the devil!!!! it really works:

here is my poop

wow u all r awkward ... who cares about poop i hhavta ipck it up outside after my dog..andmy cat..and my hamster AGH@!!!!

how do u make a creasent moon?

why isn't there an angel face!? I know all of these..but where the hell is the angel face???

cool and the monkey :(:) no wait thats a pig!!!!!

srry 2 all u bee luvrs out ther, but i agree with "Me"

cheasous crised you guyes get a life you say the same things the poop is what is the cow just cool down sit back in you chair and do nothing but think for a minute some people are lying face it the angel is ooo<>ooo yeah right no it is not i tryed it before get a grip go out side climb a tree walk to the park dont just sit next to the computer come on you will one day use glasses so thik just to see a capital letter if you carry on

Hey Everyone Forgot about the (devil)= }:)


NONE OF THESE WORK! CAN U GUYS SHUT UP PLEASE! I AM TRYING TO DO A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL ON EMOTICONS AND IT IS VERY DIFFICULT WHEN EVERYTHING I FIND IS A LIE. U ALL R LOZERS? WHY DO YOU SPEND UR TIME DOING THIS? I BET YOU THAT SOME OF YOU OUT THERE ON THIS SITE READING THIS ARE ADULTS! GET A LIFE! GO DO SOMETHING REAL FOR ONCE! INSTEAD OF SITTING ON YOUR BUTT! I LIVE IN PARIS, FRANCE AND I HAVE TO ADMIT I DON'T GET OUT TO MUCH, I GO OUT LIKE 2 TIMES A WEEK BUT I HAVE SCHOOL ALSO TO DEAL WITH AND HOMEWORK, SO MY EXCUSE MAKES SINCE. YOU ALLLLL NEED LIFES. AND THAT IS THAT.

Keeping the Romance Alive When Entering the Fire of Hades (That Toast Shit)

this is the way you work a toaster
When properly worked, the toaster will return the favor
and work for you.

First, we should discuss how toasters came to be.
it is always important to start at the very beginning.
AT THE VERY BEGINNING
now if you can't sort this out you'll never get-
START AT THE BEGINNING!

for starters, people have been lighting bread on fire for years.
many toast skeptics wonder if we're even covering new ground.
oh Jean-Claude zee Americanz zink zey are so clever wif
zer bread caramlezing machinerrey!
Zer stupidity is zo zo charming!

The invention of bread dates back to the invention of beer.
The two walk hand in hand.
The yeast eaters, we calls them.
Actually we don't call them that because that isn't even right
and as a poet I'm not responsible for science.

The first instance of toast happened in the year 3047 Before Crust when a young boy left his sprouted grain bread between two hot slabs of rock. Young Logi figured his lunch would be ruined, but he loved his snack instead.
He topped it with grape jelly and feasted.

to this day, you too, even you, even you and your dumbass
can manage to scramble up some toast.
First you must prepare your sacrifice.

I recommend sliced bread
but
many cultures have used other articles for toasting
for 10's of 100's of years.
Speaking of which, this should be a communal event.
Gather your family and neighbors around the hearth for the toasting.
Hold hands.
Use this time to tell stories and exchange cultural values and norms.
Get to know the farmers who grow your food, so you can look them in the eye
and say
"Do you use pesticides? Well, punk, do ya?"

Now that you've prepared the sacrifice and gathered your social support system around you,
it is now time to plug in the toaster.
Do this quickly as to not irritate the spirits that live in the space between the outlet and the outside world.
This liminal space is their home and it deserves respect.

Oh god, I'm so sick of writing about toast now.
The toast muse
(if there depressingly enough is such a thing)
has certainly left me.
I've gotta wrap this shit up quiiiiiick.

oksowhatever, you plugged in your toaster, wooptydoo.
Now the electrical current flows in a figure 8 pattern down the cord
where it gets let in through the gate by the gatekeeper.

His name is Charles.

so Charles is like "hey, I guess you can come in"
and the current says "thanks Charles!"
At this point, put in your bread, and apply 2-5 lbs of pressure on the lever.
this signals the electrical current to light a cigarette.
And that is how it gets toasted.

Things to look out for and general troubleshooting:
1. Moist bread - allow your bread to dry slightly before toasting.
2. A cranky Charles - make sure to clean out the crumb tray regularly. It is his home.
3. Getting so bored with talking about toast
4. That you don't want to keep going
5. To keep the romance alive, try a variety of toppings.

And that is all you'll ever need to know about toast.