Saturday, July 31, 2010

Keeping the Romance Alive When Entering the Fire of Hades (That Toast Shit)

this is the way you work a toaster
When properly worked, the toaster will return the favor
and work for you.

First, we should discuss how toasters came to be.
it is always important to start at the very beginning.
now if you can't sort this out you'll never get-

for starters, people have been lighting bread on fire for years.
many toast skeptics wonder if we're even covering new ground.
oh Jean-Claude zee Americanz zink zey are so clever wif
zer bread caramlezing machinerrey!
Zer stupidity is zo zo charming!

The invention of bread dates back to the invention of beer.
The two walk hand in hand.
The yeast eaters, we calls them.
Actually we don't call them that because that isn't even right
and as a poet I'm not responsible for science.

The first instance of toast happened in the year 3047 Before Crust when a young boy left his sprouted grain bread between two hot slabs of rock. Young Logi figured his lunch would be ruined, but he loved his snack instead.
He topped it with grape jelly and feasted.

to this day, you too, even you, even you and your dumbass
can manage to scramble up some toast.
First you must prepare your sacrifice.

I recommend sliced bread
many cultures have used other articles for toasting
for 10's of 100's of years.
Speaking of which, this should be a communal event.
Gather your family and neighbors around the hearth for the toasting.
Hold hands.
Use this time to tell stories and exchange cultural values and norms.
Get to know the farmers who grow your food, so you can look them in the eye
and say
"Do you use pesticides? Well, punk, do ya?"

Now that you've prepared the sacrifice and gathered your social support system around you,
it is now time to plug in the toaster.
Do this quickly as to not irritate the spirits that live in the space between the outlet and the outside world.
This liminal space is their home and it deserves respect.

Oh god, I'm so sick of writing about toast now.
The toast muse
(if there depressingly enough is such a thing)
has certainly left me.
I've gotta wrap this shit up quiiiiiick.

oksowhatever, you plugged in your toaster, wooptydoo.
Now the electrical current flows in a figure 8 pattern down the cord
where it gets let in through the gate by the gatekeeper.

His name is Charles.

so Charles is like "hey, I guess you can come in"
and the current says "thanks Charles!"
At this point, put in your bread, and apply 2-5 lbs of pressure on the lever.
this signals the electrical current to light a cigarette.
And that is how it gets toasted.

Things to look out for and general troubleshooting:
1. Moist bread - allow your bread to dry slightly before toasting.
2. A cranky Charles - make sure to clean out the crumb tray regularly. It is his home.
3. Getting so bored with talking about toast
4. That you don't want to keep going
5. To keep the romance alive, try a variety of toppings.

And that is all you'll ever need to know about toast.

1 comment:

awitchtrying said...

So funny! Thanks for posting this.