Sunday, June 19, 2011

Some General Instructions

Make sure to eat a varied diet of fruits and veggies. It'll increase your enjoyment of The Earth's flora. It also keep you happy and healthy, and it'll probably be easier to get laid. Remember that nobody likes an ugly bitch.

If you usually always wear a bra, sometimes don't wear it.

Remember how to read and write. These things will come in handy some day and you'll be glad you took the time out of your day to figure these out.

Nobody stares at your face as much as the entire world does. How often do you get to stare in your face? Make an effort to look at it more. Figure out it's curves. Remember it's fine lines. Anticipate future wrinkles but learn to appreciate the ones you've already acquired. It's fine to be disappointed in yourself and your life choices but don't wallow about stupid shits for too long.

Think of interesting cuss words and fun ways to spell them on the internet. Try saying: "I don't give a wigwam, for fux sake."

Remember that a lot of things are offensive to different cultures. You're just one culture. And you might be offending yourself at times.

Listen to hip-hop.

Find interesting ways to move your body. Then move your body that way around people you don't know very well and see if they treat you differently than other people do. But remember that this could simply be because you don't know them very well and they're just different. Of course, it could also be because you're moving differently.

It's often hard to know things for sure.

When you're on the phone with people, make sure to ask them what they're wearing. People appreciate other people being interested in them.

Try to go to the bathroom regularly. Be careful when you wash your hands. Make sure they're actually getting clean.

If you're bored, you can always try going to a museum. They're often free. Or else really expensive. That generally is an indicator of how interesting a museum is. If it's free it's probably because they don't have anything good and can't afford someone to work at the front counter anyway, and they figure they can save on labor if they just take away the need to collect money. As well as saving on machinery to ring people up. Credit card machines can be expensive, since no one has cash on them anymore.

If you have cash, try to exchange all the bills in for golden dollars. They're very special and are worth twice as much. You can get rich this way.
If you get a lot of golden dollars, put it in a clever sack and wear it around your waist. That way you can easily access your treasure, as well as have a good conversation piece.

Severe food allergies can be a menace. Try not to antagonize people who have them. You never know when they're going to snap.

Don't drink too much.

It's not a bad idea to try out being religious for awhile. And if it doesn't work for you, don't beat yourself up. You can always try out something else to give your life meaning. There's plenty of time for being wishy-washy with your eternity.

Do your laundry more than once a month. Don't waste water, but come on. If your clothes are smelly no one will really like being around you.

If you fall in love with someone, make sure to surprise them once in awhile. Get an exotic pet. Open the door wearing a tutu. Write them a poem. Make sure the poem doesn't suck so bad. But if it does suck, you can make up for the suckiness by playing minimalist guitar riffs and reading your poem over the music. Lots of shitty poets have found success in relationships this way.

If you don't have health insurance, be bitter about it. It's unfair and a method of passive aggressive long-term euthanizing. Your country is being a dick face.

When posing for pictures, don't try too hard. You want it to still look like you so that no one is disappointed when they see the real you.

As you go through life, you might find you need to marry for money. This is okay as long as you can be a good cook. They'll probably appreciate your contributions to the union, and not mind buying you good ingredients and clever flatware.

When out to dinner with other people, do not throw up onto other people's plates.

Remember that everything dies. You're dying. You're dying right now. Watch yourself in the mirror so you can see what death looks like.
Remember that you can't live without dying though. Remark upon this fact.
Tattoo it on your body so that you don't forget. As you grow older watch the tattoo morph with the sagging contours of your body. Pay attention to the liver spots that grow underneath the ink of the tattoo.
This will help you remember how true of a fact that all is.

Don't hurt people in ways that are dumb.

Slippers can be a very wise investment. They bring comfort and warmth around the home.

If you must have pets, don't ignore them.

Don't make lists that use letters to organize the points. That's going against what God created letters for. They are for making pictures of sounds - not for counting.

Don't stay at your house all day. Get outside. Spy on your neighbors. Stretch out. Run around the block. Play hopscotch with the neighbor kids. Go buy a fifth of whiskey. Drink the whiskey as you walk around in circles in your yard.
Once you have finished the fifth of whiskey, go out on the town and see who you can get to hang out with you. You might meet somebody nice who'll sleep with you, or maybe you can at least find a new friend who might sleep with you someday.
Don't give up if you meet no one at the first place you go. Try the park. Lots of lonely and nice people hang out at parks. But no matter how it turns out, at least you've already gotten out of the house today which means you can go back to your house and have a nice time sitting around and watching television.
Maybe there's some good reruns of Malcolm in the Middle on UPN. You like that show. It's humorous and silly but satisfying to watch. Don't get too frustrated during the commercials. You can always turn the television on mute during the commercials, or get up and fix yourself a ham sandwich. This will be nice to eat as well as help sop up the pool of alcohol sitting in your stomach from the fifth of whiskey.
Once you've made your sandwich, you can put it on a plate and grab a napkin, and maybe the commercials will be finished by then. You must be cautious because it's easy to miss the first 30 seconds, or even minute, of the show if you aren't quick enough. This can be disappointing and make the plot line rather confusing. With enough practice you'll probably be able to anticipate the length of commercial breaks, or learn the theme music to Malcolm in the Middle well enough to where you can run out of your kitchen and back over to your couch, with your sandwich and napkin, quick enough to where you don't miss anything.

If you go out on dates with people, be friendly and tell them you had a nice time. Unless you didn't. Don't lie to them. Only ever tell them the truth no matter how boring it is.

If you have a basket, put all of these pieces of advice inside of this poem in the basket. Carry that basket around with you so that you can remember this poem easily. If you're unsure how to act in a situation, confer with the basket. It'll know what you need to do. Relax and trust. You need to live your life to at least some extent.

Now, Go. The poem has ended. live in peace.

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