Feel free to let me know in the comment thread if you've ever said any of these before.
1. Hey there. What can I do for you?
2. Would you like a big one or a little one?
3. I thought you were working Tuesday.
4. I haven't had to do anything today that caused me pain.
5. Mocha for Erica. Erica. Mocha.
6. Do you live around here?
7. I would try Salvation Army.
8. When I come back you better be ready to put in your order, otherwise you'll keeping doing badly in your job interview.
9. Oh, really?
10. I don't think anyone has noticed.
11. They'd be all like, hooray, we've finally penetrated the Muslim community.
12. Does that taste okay?
13. Oh, ok.
14. No, she was just a crazy person. A lune.
15. Hellooooo Kevin!
16. Whenever I lose my voice, I try to talk as much as possible.
17. It makes talking an adventure.
18. I was going to make a pie for his party anyway, so that could work out rather perfectly.
19. So uh give me a call and we can figure out a time.
20. Yesssssss.
21. Refill?
22. Your total will be $6.68 Jason Bennett.
23. And if you could just sign this copy for me.
24. How much are you gonna expand?
25. Do you have time to wait - I have to brew another pot.
26. But I know if I say like "hey it's too cold in here, turn down the AC" they'll change it, and I'll be all like "hey hey it's too hot in here." So I usually just wear a sweatshirt.
27. Hey, hows it going?
28. That shouldn't be a problem um I just need to talk to the employee who is working tomorrow. How many people will you have? Ok, 6-8 people is great.
29. Whooosh
(NOTE: The last one was posted on a gmail conversation. The rest were spoken word.)
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Second to Last Day of Printing. They're, like, Haikus.
Perceived punchlines are in bold to aid in comprehending hilarity.
Ah, Yes. The open road. Nothing quite like it.
The fresh air. The rolling hills.
I do wish there were a healthier selection of restaurants along the way.
A-ha! I think I smell a business opportunity.
That's not opportunity, Dad. We're passing a cattle farm.
GYM
Try our boot camp classes
I WAS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED!
I worry about Sakura playing in the waves. What if she encounters a shark?
Oh, I'm sure we can find a marine biologist who can stitch it back up.
Grrrrr.
Who is our sponsor?
Me. I don't enjoy fundraising.
Alfie's dad said his company could sponsor us.
That's the other reason.
Money is Money.
Some money is more expensive than other money
Alfie's dad wants to know if you got Alfie that pro contract yet.
So...we begin another day of unending summer fun!
You have prepared some fun green popsicles, and I have chosen a fine fun rerun of "F-Troop" for our television viewing pleasure!
Let the fun begin!
Uh-oh.
Cables out!
...at least we have fun popsicles.
I made 'em with string bean juice!
HEY! I SMELL RIBS!
YEAH! WITH BARBECUE SAUCE AND POTATO SALAD!
DRAT! IT'S JUST GRIMES' SHIRT.
?
"Your problems are caused by all-or-nothing thinking. It's either that, or you don't have any problems."
Congratulations!
We have reviewed your manuscript and wish to publish your incredible tale of survival...
Hi.
I'm your neighbor from two doors down.
Hi. I'm Sarah Bucket.
I'm Scott.
Nice to meet you.
Um...is this your tree?
Mwa Ha Ha Ha! Fools! The identity of the one who stole your precious plank of wood is at long last revealed!
Behold...
IT IS I!!
You know this guy?
No clue. You don't know him?
Harry, A Bar in Spain is Attracting customers by encouraging them to insult the Bartender.
the best insults Gets you a Free Drink and some tapas.
You know what would be More Fun?
If the customers PAID to be insulted...didn't you try that.
People stayed away in Droves.
It'll catch on eventually.
Ugh. You again.
THE PROBLEM WITH A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS.
"Marm! Stop begging!"
*meow
*meow
HI!
Never you mind whose ringtone this is!
ok...so what would Capt. Eddie do?
Think about it
oh...yeah...
ok...ready? One...Two...Three!
BELCH
P-Tooie
Woo-Hoo!
With the exception of gravity, that worked great.
Well, I didn't say it was a perfect plan
What are ya doin', Brutus?
I'm watching birds!
Nosy!
Why are erasers pink? It's not very manly!
I've learned a lot from the general
What could you learn from him?
Z
Well, one thing...
...Age doesn't bring wisdom
Ah, Yes. The open road. Nothing quite like it.
The fresh air. The rolling hills.
I do wish there were a healthier selection of restaurants along the way.
A-ha! I think I smell a business opportunity.
That's not opportunity, Dad. We're passing a cattle farm.
GYM
Try our boot camp classes
I WAS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED!
I worry about Sakura playing in the waves. What if she encounters a shark?
Oh, I'm sure we can find a marine biologist who can stitch it back up.
Grrrrr.
Who is our sponsor?
Me. I don't enjoy fundraising.
Alfie's dad said his company could sponsor us.
That's the other reason.
Money is Money.
Some money is more expensive than other money
Alfie's dad wants to know if you got Alfie that pro contract yet.
So...we begin another day of unending summer fun!
You have prepared some fun green popsicles, and I have chosen a fine fun rerun of "F-Troop" for our television viewing pleasure!
Let the fun begin!
Uh-oh.
Cables out!
...at least we have fun popsicles.
I made 'em with string bean juice!
HEY! I SMELL RIBS!
YEAH! WITH BARBECUE SAUCE AND POTATO SALAD!
DRAT! IT'S JUST GRIMES' SHIRT.
?
"Your problems are caused by all-or-nothing thinking. It's either that, or you don't have any problems."
Congratulations!
We have reviewed your manuscript and wish to publish your incredible tale of survival...
Hi.
I'm your neighbor from two doors down.
Hi. I'm Sarah Bucket.
I'm Scott.
Nice to meet you.
Um...is this your tree?
Mwa Ha Ha Ha! Fools! The identity of the one who stole your precious plank of wood is at long last revealed!
Behold...
IT IS I!!
You know this guy?
No clue. You don't know him?
Harry, A Bar in Spain is Attracting customers by encouraging them to insult the Bartender.
the best insults Gets you a Free Drink and some tapas.
You know what would be More Fun?
If the customers PAID to be insulted...didn't you try that.
People stayed away in Droves.
It'll catch on eventually.
Ugh. You again.
THE PROBLEM WITH A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS.
"Marm! Stop begging!"
*meow
*meow
HI!
Never you mind whose ringtone this is!
ok...so what would Capt. Eddie do?
Think about it
oh...yeah...
ok...ready? One...Two...Three!
BELCH
P-Tooie
Woo-Hoo!
With the exception of gravity, that worked great.
Well, I didn't say it was a perfect plan
What are ya doin', Brutus?
I'm watching birds!
Nosy!
Why are erasers pink? It's not very manly!
I've learned a lot from the general
What could you learn from him?
Z
Well, one thing...
...Age doesn't bring wisdom
Sunday, July 12, 2009
This lady talks loud, has saggy cheeks, and is also a liar.
1. Ow. My tummy hurts. Tummy tummy tummy.
2. I woke up today thinking the electric silence had settled onto my house because my alarm clock was blank and sad.
3. But my fan was going. So I was wrong.
4. Yesterday, I wrote this:
It has come to my immediate attention that the plumbing needs attention5. Then I wrote that over and over while not looking at the keyboard and not backspacing:
It has come to my immediate atetnion that th epllumbing needs atetnion
It has coemto timy immediate attention that tpulbming needs attention
Ithascome mto my immediate attention that the lpubming nedsattention
theithascometoimyimmediateattentionthattheplumbing needsattention
ithascometomymiimdeateattentionthatthepuumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingnedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmignneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsantetion
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyaatentionthatplubmingneedsatetion
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmginenedsattetnion
ithascaometomytattentionthatptheplubmingneedsattentio
ithascometomyattetionthatieplubminganeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyiemdatteiattentionthattheplubmignneesdsatatemiattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthathteplubmingneedsattetniont
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtelubimigneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatptheplbumingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediatemeiahtethaplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomymmediateattenitonthatplubmingneedsatetention
ithascometomyimmeidateattentionthathtpelubmingneedssatimatentig
theimahsidotkathwothathteplumbingneedsatteniton
tihasscometimyomatimmedateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
itahscometomyimmediateattenionthtathplubmingneedsattention
ithascomeitmyimeedateattentiontahtitplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmedaiteattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthatplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattenitionthatolumibngineedsattention
ithascometomyimddeiateattenitonthaplubmingneedsattateion
ithascometomimmediateatteniton
thathteplubmignitindmithascoetomyimmediateattentionthatplumbingeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsatteiton
ithascometomyimmediatattentionthatplubmignnedsattention
ithascometomyimdediatattentiotnathplubmignedsattention
ithascotmomyimmediateatttnionthatplubmignneedsatttion
6. Then I wrote it while reading a story that Ian was telling me about a gorilla.
it has domet o my atteniont ahtplubming needs atteniton
ita hscme to my attention that plubming needsa tention
it has come to my attention that plubmig the neesatt
ehit has come to my attention tkathe atptne
ithas hoemt o m aytentioned atn dpthe plubming needs atettnion
it has coem to my adtowktj the daily plumbing tneeds attehos
it hascometo my attention that eplbi the bplugming wheedsa tento
it ha scome to wideht so abne the plumbing eenedsa toethat
ithwieofkan theti attnetptlwiethw
ehtowkd ahte moce to my wotkat dawg tjwotea pwitjw thbplumginb the needsa toet wha
ttnetiwht plubmginb with tahto ia tettenio the plbuing needsa ttention
athi htas hdc obhaveoc ome to my tattneto that ehplbumignb needs attentino
it has come tow pdumb sod steowk datthet plubming needsa ttention
ait has come ot my ashtwot abeve thatplumbing needsa
tit has come to my imdattention the plbujthe pgng enedsa ttention
hwat it has that oev ave thou have tppanthteplubming thneddsa ttention
ahve ttoajw ehyouave atteniton hte pblugminb have tyou aveeeht ave toh atent
have tha tevoekt alt wohvat ehok jt ewoa thave tho k
have tyou dahs to cme to attention taot wpl ave the ogorialla
the fot aks fow ekf attento n
the tha plubming neds attention
the pbus fowme woek the oald vevjw oa t
avofkw iat hav socomeing tow ding wo th may s ttent aow kdf eowkt ha eoe t
hat ekow dmt how tplutig bint he
aotkw dfow daks thwow
the gokf wlsob iwthe createure
ahtoef eiruthw dlfow
thathi hate has ocme to my attetnotiw the lade
thate dolave thao you that
thefoa veht oaieht plamgltit lia htate whave frealyy about athe pboreaa ble the howle
the nd
7. Points of Interest: the word "ogorialla" 13 lines up from the bottom.
8. I had a dream last night that I was wearing a really great skirt, but with my underpants down around my ankles. People would say "Hey, great skirt. Weird...underpants."
9. I woke up and sifted through my pile of clothes that's graces the threshold to my closet, and got embarrassed thinking about how I wore my underpants around my ankles the day before.
10. I was ashamed.
11. Later I remembered it was a dream.
12. Yesterday I had a lot of really interesting thoughts.
13. Today is looking okay too.
14. But not, like, GREAT.
15. These people are doing a crossword puzzle. Apparently it's hard today. Apparently its always harder on Sundays. Apparently they always gets together on Sundays to do the crossword puzzle.
16. "Sumpter" was one of the answers to their puzzle
17. I'm wearing a tick-tock click-clock. Ticktock ClickClock TickClock TockClick ClockTick
18. TickleCock
19. It's never too late to start planning for the future.
20. So why start now?
21. A Hand Grenade Sand Parade!
2. I woke up today thinking the electric silence had settled onto my house because my alarm clock was blank and sad.
3. But my fan was going. So I was wrong.
4. Yesterday, I wrote this:
It has come to my immediate attention that the plumbing needs attention5. Then I wrote that over and over while not looking at the keyboard and not backspacing:
It has come to my immediate atetnion that th epllumbing needs atetnion
It has coemto timy immediate attention that tpulbming needs attention
Ithascome mto my immediate attention that the lpubming nedsattention
theithascometoimyimmediateattentionthattheplumbing needsattention
ithascometomymiimdeateattentionthatthepuumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingnedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmignneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsantetion
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyaatentionthatplubmingneedsatetion
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmginenedsattetnion
ithascaometomytattentionthatptheplubmingneedsattentio
ithascometomyattetionthatieplubminganeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyiemdatteiattentionthattheplubmignneesdsatatemiattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthathteplubmingneedsattetniont
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtelubimigneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatptheplbumingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediatemeiahtethaplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomymmediateattenitonthatplubmingneedsatetention
ithascometomyimmeidateattentionthathtpelubmingneedssatimatentig
theimahsidotkathwothathteplumbingneedsatteniton
tihasscometimyomatimmedateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
itahscometomyimmediateattenionthtathplubmingneedsattention
ithascomeitmyimeedateattentiontahtitplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmedaiteattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthatplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattenitionthatolumibngineedsattention
ithascometomyimddeiateattenitonthaplubmingneedsattateion
ithascometomimmediateatteniton
thathteplubmignitindmithascoetomyimmediateattentionthatplumbingeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsatteiton
ithascometomyimmediatattentionthatplubmignnedsattention
ithascometomyimdediatattentiotnathplubmignedsattention
ithascotmomyimmediateatttnionthatplubmignneedsatttion
6. Then I wrote it while reading a story that Ian was telling me about a gorilla.
it has domet o my atteniont ahtplubming needs atteniton
ita hscme to my attention that plubming needsa tention
it has come to my attention that plubmig the neesatt
ehit has come to my attention tkathe atptne
ithas hoemt o m aytentioned atn dpthe plubming needs atettnion
it has coem to my adtowktj the daily plumbing tneeds attehos
it hascometo my attention that eplbi the bplugming wheedsa tento
it ha scome to wideht so abne the plumbing eenedsa toethat
ithwieofkan theti attnetptlwiethw
ehtowkd ahte moce to my wotkat dawg tjwotea pwitjw thbplumginb the needsa toet wha
ttnetiwht plubmginb with tahto ia tettenio the plbuing needsa ttention
athi htas hdc obhaveoc ome to my tattneto that ehplbumignb needs attentino
it has come tow pdumb sod steowk datthet plubming needsa ttention
ait has come ot my ashtwot abeve thatplumbing needsa
tit has come to my imdattention the plbujthe pgng enedsa ttention
hwat it has that oev ave thou have tppanthteplubming thneddsa ttention
ahve ttoajw ehyouave atteniton hte pblugminb have tyou aveeeht ave toh atent
have tha tevoekt alt wohvat ehok jt ewoa thave tho k
have tyou dahs to cme to attention taot wpl ave the ogorialla
the fot aks fow ekf attento n
the tha plubming neds attention
the pbus fowme woek the oald vevjw oa t
avofkw iat hav socomeing tow ding wo th may s ttent aow kdf eowkt ha eoe t
hat ekow dmt how tplutig bint he
aotkw dfow daks thwow
the gokf wlsob iwthe createure
ahtoef eiruthw dlfow
thathi hate has ocme to my attetnotiw the lade
thate dolave thao you that
thefoa veht oaieht plamgltit lia htate whave frealyy about athe pboreaa ble the howle
the nd
7. Points of Interest: the word "ogorialla" 13 lines up from the bottom.
8. I had a dream last night that I was wearing a really great skirt, but with my underpants down around my ankles. People would say "Hey, great skirt. Weird...underpants."
9. I woke up and sifted through my pile of clothes that's graces the threshold to my closet, and got embarrassed thinking about how I wore my underpants around my ankles the day before.
10. I was ashamed.
11. Later I remembered it was a dream.
12. Yesterday I had a lot of really interesting thoughts.
13. Today is looking okay too.
14. But not, like, GREAT.
15. These people are doing a crossword puzzle. Apparently it's hard today. Apparently its always harder on Sundays. Apparently they always gets together on Sundays to do the crossword puzzle.
16. "Sumpter" was one of the answers to their puzzle
17. I'm wearing a tick-tock click-clock. Ticktock ClickClock TickClock TockClick ClockTick
18. TickleCock
19. It's never too late to start planning for the future.
20. So why start now?
21. A Hand Grenade Sand Parade!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
SHAPES: The Epitome of Empowerment
I'd like to dedicate this journal entry to Shapes.
They are all around us.
They move the world around us.
They ARE the world around us.
Say hello to...
My immediate favorite is the parallelogram, but I could be persuaded otherwise.
WHY SHAPES?
An excellent question. The answer to it is below.
The function of Shapes is to house color. Just like how white picket fences house gardens, and gardens house houses, and houses house you - Shapes were created and are maintained for one single purpose: giving color a place in our universe.
THE HISTORY OF SHAPES
Before Shapes were invented (archaeologists call this the "Pre-Shape Era," heretofore abbreviated "P.S.E.") , Colors were forced to scatter throughout the world. Chaos was Color's only master, and Wreckless Abandon its only describing adjective.
The picture above is a Scientist's rendering of the world during the P.S.E.
What a stupid and ugly mess it was.
Fortunately, in 1756 a group of inspired young Venetians formed The Diplomatic and Creative Aesthetic Committee of the World and Other Places. T.D.C.A.C.W.O.P. was lead by the then unrecognized genius, though now formally acknowledged, Alexander Graham Bell.
They sequestered themselves inside of a shapeless-room and came up with the solution to the chaotic shit-hole of Earth: SHAPES. With Shapes, the Earth could finally keep Color in tidy and neat portals, and we could organize, reorganize, and process Color.
It brought empowerment to the lower-classes, and stability to the floundering aristocracy.
IN WHAT HISTORICAL EVENTS HAVE SHAPES "LENT A HAND?"
Shapes have "lent many a hand." Here's just a handful of examples:
-The Fording of the Seine
-The American Silver War
-Numerous "Golf Pro and Tennis Ho" parties.
-The Chinese Cultural Revolution
-The Discovering of the Internet
-The Great Soup Drought of 2011
WHAT ARE SHAPES FAVORITE COLORS?
Tangerine.
WHAT DO SHAPES HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
Not a whole lot, actually. Shapes are nearly autonomous structures that receive minimal government subisidies in the U.S.A., U.K. and many other E.U. countries. Countries in Africa, Asia, South America, and the many Countries inside of Canada have borrowed Shapes from World Banks in order to jump-start their own Shape-programs. The banks are luckily able to offer these loans at relatively low-interest rates.
Besides the minimal tax dollars that go toward maintaining Shapes, they can keep themselves fed and watered.
Below are photos of Shapes. Some of them may surprise you! But remember, Shapes are everywhere.
Open your mind to the possibility of Shapes.
I hope you've enjoyed looking and thinking about Shapes with me! I hope that the information was concise and educational. Luckily the internet makes access to this knowledge easy and affordable. Such as like, I was able to write this whole entry in less then 20 minutes. In times past, people would have to go to college to learn all this stuff.
Remember what the Girl Scouts of America taught us: A circle is round. It has no end. That's how long I want to be your friend.
They are all around us.
They move the world around us.
They ARE the world around us.
Say hello to...
My immediate favorite is the parallelogram, but I could be persuaded otherwise.
WHY SHAPES?
An excellent question. The answer to it is below.
The function of Shapes is to house color. Just like how white picket fences house gardens, and gardens house houses, and houses house you - Shapes were created and are maintained for one single purpose: giving color a place in our universe.
THE HISTORY OF SHAPES
Before Shapes were invented (archaeologists call this the "Pre-Shape Era," heretofore abbreviated "P.S.E.") , Colors were forced to scatter throughout the world. Chaos was Color's only master, and Wreckless Abandon its only describing adjective.
The picture above is a Scientist's rendering of the world during the P.S.E.
What a stupid and ugly mess it was.
Fortunately, in 1756 a group of inspired young Venetians formed The Diplomatic and Creative Aesthetic Committee of the World and Other Places. T.D.C.A.C.W.O.P. was lead by the then unrecognized genius, though now formally acknowledged, Alexander Graham Bell.
They sequestered themselves inside of a shapeless-room and came up with the solution to the chaotic shit-hole of Earth: SHAPES. With Shapes, the Earth could finally keep Color in tidy and neat portals, and we could organize, reorganize, and process Color.
It brought empowerment to the lower-classes, and stability to the floundering aristocracy.
IN WHAT HISTORICAL EVENTS HAVE SHAPES "LENT A HAND?"
Shapes have "lent many a hand." Here's just a handful of examples:
-The Fording of the Seine
-The American Silver War
-Numerous "Golf Pro and Tennis Ho" parties.
-The Chinese Cultural Revolution
-The Discovering of the Internet
-The Great Soup Drought of 2011
WHAT ARE SHAPES FAVORITE COLORS?
Tangerine.
WHAT DO SHAPES HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
Not a whole lot, actually. Shapes are nearly autonomous structures that receive minimal government subisidies in the U.S.A., U.K. and many other E.U. countries. Countries in Africa, Asia, South America, and the many Countries inside of Canada have borrowed Shapes from World Banks in order to jump-start their own Shape-programs. The banks are luckily able to offer these loans at relatively low-interest rates.
Besides the minimal tax dollars that go toward maintaining Shapes, they can keep themselves fed and watered.
Below are photos of Shapes. Some of them may surprise you! But remember, Shapes are everywhere.
Open your mind to the possibility of Shapes.
I hope you've enjoyed looking and thinking about Shapes with me! I hope that the information was concise and educational. Luckily the internet makes access to this knowledge easy and affordable. Such as like, I was able to write this whole entry in less then 20 minutes. In times past, people would have to go to college to learn all this stuff.
Remember what the Girl Scouts of America taught us: A circle is round. It has no end. That's how long I want to be your friend.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Answers to Questions Nobody is Asking
But maybe we should start asking these questions.
It's sort of like a dating service for lonely questions.
Q. Why are there guys "working" on an"electric box" on my street, and why is it taking them three weeks to do "it"? Are they government spies?
A. Absolutely not. Any high-quality shoe should work just fine.
Q. What's your favorite place to go out for burgers?
A. Open the garage, and it'll be to your left, right next to the bike.
Q. What's a good way to earn some extra cash during a recession?
A. The giraffe is the fastest land animal.
Q. Where can I buy a high quality Ethiopian Yirgacheffe?
A. The key is the universal key for the whole church, and the janitor probably has a copy.
Q. How is orange?
A. Very good.
Q. Where's the bathroom?
A. This town used to center around a large glass factory, which explains the high volume of sea glass to be found on the shore.
Q. What can I get you to drink?
A. I'm only in Berlin for a week, so thanks, but no thanks.
Q. What's your new novel about?
A. We have access to hundreds of mortgage loan packages: Commercial, Residential, Reverse mortgages, FHA, VA and up to 80% LTV hard earned money.
Q. Why are they stocking so many expensive wine imports?
A. Moccasins are actually very comfortable, and inexpensive to make!
Q. How are you doing?
A. Perfectly adequate, considering my health and current living situation.
It's sort of like a dating service for lonely questions.
Q. Why are there guys "working" on an"electric box" on my street, and why is it taking them three weeks to do "it"? Are they government spies?
A. Absolutely not. Any high-quality shoe should work just fine.
Q. What's your favorite place to go out for burgers?
A. Open the garage, and it'll be to your left, right next to the bike.
Q. What's a good way to earn some extra cash during a recession?
A. The giraffe is the fastest land animal.
Q. Where can I buy a high quality Ethiopian Yirgacheffe?
A. The key is the universal key for the whole church, and the janitor probably has a copy.
Q. How is orange?
A. Very good.
Q. Where's the bathroom?
A. This town used to center around a large glass factory, which explains the high volume of sea glass to be found on the shore.
Q. What can I get you to drink?
A. I'm only in Berlin for a week, so thanks, but no thanks.
Q. What's your new novel about?
A. We have access to hundreds of mortgage loan packages: Commercial, Residential, Reverse mortgages, FHA, VA and up to 80% LTV hard earned money.
Q. Why are they stocking so many expensive wine imports?
A. Moccasins are actually very comfortable, and inexpensive to make!
Q. How are you doing?
A. Perfectly adequate, considering my health and current living situation.
Monday, June 15, 2009
barreling through e.e. cummings
I give you my translation of e.e. cummings' legendary, and graceful,work "in just-". In the original he carefully considers the placement of letters, words, and sounds, and only uses the Upper Case twice.
To remedy that, I will employ my translation mechanism, which converts every single letter into an Upper Case letter.
Activate Translation Mechanism.
TRANSLATION MECHANISM ACTIVATED.
To remedy that, I will employ my translation mechanism, which converts every single letter into an Upper Case letter.
Activate Translation Mechanism.
TRANSLATION MECHANISM ACTIVATED.
in Just- by E.E. CUMMINGS
IN JUST-
SPRING WHEN THE WORLD IS MUD-
LUSCIOUS THE LITTLE
LAME BALLOONMAN
WHISTLES FAR AND WEE
AND EDDIEANDBILL COME
RUNNING FROM MARBLES AND
PIRACIES AND IT'S
SPRING
WHEN THE WORLD IS PUDDLE-WONDERFUL
THE QUEER
OLD BALLOONMAN WHISTLES
FAR AND WEE
AND BETTYANDISBEL COME DANCING
FROM HOP-SCOTCH AND JUMP-ROPE AND
IT'S
SPRING
AND
THE
GOAT-FOOTED
BALLOONMAN WHISTLES
FAR
AND
WEE
Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2 (spoken by Hamlet, to Rosencrantz). Typed with Caps Lock on.
I WILL TELL YOU WHY; SO SHALL MY ANTICIPATION PREVENT
YOUR DISCOVERY, AND YOUR SECRECY TO THE KING AND
QUEEN MOULT NO FEATHER. I HAVE OF LATE - BUT WHEREFORE
I KNOW NOT - LOST ALL MY MIRTH, FORGONE ALL CUSTOM OF
EXERCISES; AND INDEED IT GOES SO HEAVILY WITH MY
DISPOSITION THAT THIS GOODLY FRAME, THE EARTH, SEEMS TO
ME A STERILE PROMONTORY, THIS MOST EXCELLENT CANOPY,
THE AIR, LOOK YOU, THIS BRAVE O'ERHANGING FIRMAMENT,
THIS MAJESTICAL ROOF FRETTED WITH GOLDEN FIRE, WHY,
IT APPEARS NO OTHER THING TO ME THAN A FOUL AND PESTILENT
CONGREGATION OF VAPORS. WHAT A PIECE OF WORK IS A MAN!
HOW NOBLE IN REASON, HOW INFINITE IN FACULTIES,
IN FORM AND MOVING HOW EXPRESS AND ADMIRABLE,
IN ACTION HOW LIKE AN ANGEL, IN APPREHENSION HOW LIKE
A GOD! THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD, THE PARAGON OF ANIMALS!
AND YET, TO ME, WHAT IS THIS QUINTESSENCE OF DUST? MAN
DELIGHTS NOT ME - NO, NOR WOMAN NEITHER, THOUGH BY
YOUR SMILING YOU SEEM TO SAY SO.
YOUR DISCOVERY, AND YOUR SECRECY TO THE KING AND
QUEEN MOULT NO FEATHER. I HAVE OF LATE - BUT WHEREFORE
I KNOW NOT - LOST ALL MY MIRTH, FORGONE ALL CUSTOM OF
EXERCISES; AND INDEED IT GOES SO HEAVILY WITH MY
DISPOSITION THAT THIS GOODLY FRAME, THE EARTH, SEEMS TO
ME A STERILE PROMONTORY, THIS MOST EXCELLENT CANOPY,
THE AIR, LOOK YOU, THIS BRAVE O'ERHANGING FIRMAMENT,
THIS MAJESTICAL ROOF FRETTED WITH GOLDEN FIRE, WHY,
IT APPEARS NO OTHER THING TO ME THAN A FOUL AND PESTILENT
CONGREGATION OF VAPORS. WHAT A PIECE OF WORK IS A MAN!
HOW NOBLE IN REASON, HOW INFINITE IN FACULTIES,
IN FORM AND MOVING HOW EXPRESS AND ADMIRABLE,
IN ACTION HOW LIKE AN ANGEL, IN APPREHENSION HOW LIKE
A GOD! THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD, THE PARAGON OF ANIMALS!
AND YET, TO ME, WHAT IS THIS QUINTESSENCE OF DUST? MAN
DELIGHTS NOT ME - NO, NOR WOMAN NEITHER, THOUGH BY
YOUR SMILING YOU SEEM TO SAY SO.
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