Easter In Michigan

I. OPENING INVOCATION
Holey moley, holey moley, holey moley,
holey moley, holey moley
the voice coming from my pen is holey moley
Roll away the stoned
it’s Easter, and Christ he’s done it again.
There’s holes in his hands holes in his hands holes in his hands
and I’m blowing smoke through his hands and they’re holey
holey moley, I’m holding a roley-poley and it’s holy.
Amen.

II. THE FALSE PROPHETS OF DETROIT AND THE STATE OF THE WORLD
There are names on the street but
the streets have names
given to them by a faceless false prophet
saying that this street will be Main Street

and these are the boxes we live in
These are the boxes we write our names on
and told to keep them to ourselves
or inside a gallery where they will be ascribed to ourselves

but a voice cries out in the wilderness
preprare ye the way
my prophet is Taki 183
and my name is Riki Tiki Tavi
prepare ye the way for some sweet shit

There are potholes in detroit
there are people smoking pot in holes in detroit
the city is broken iron pottery in detroit
and detroit is holy - the whole midwest is holy
the whole midwest is rotting with holes
the spirit of detroit writhes and shakes the ground
urban tumbleweeds flying out of abandoned homes
some say the city is dead
i say the city is reinterpreting life

deep in the center of detroit
a child sneaks out at night
to write his name on the boardwalk
his parents roll their eyes as his hand shakes with legitimacy
he paints his name and runs off back through the dark neighborhoods
the building quivers
a sacred text has been written
and the cosmos adjust themselves accordingly
one name proves that life exists
Henry Ford stirs in his tomb
“someone touched my robe - i felt some power leave me.”
and I, Riki Tiki Tavi, know my time has come to act.

III. THE BALLAD OF RIKI TIKI TAVI
The body is a bit of a cage I don’t understand
I have hives on my hands.
the hives of the world are in my holey hands.
my pen rubs them as i write these holy words

Riki Tiki Tavi lives in the city that houses the cock of the cousin of the prophet
Demetaki Ypsilanti
the mighty Huron brings life to the city
but the river is dying
I sit by the river and draw my power from it
I sit on Michigan Ave and draw my power from the sewer drains
I sit on my balcony and draw power from the hunchback that lives in the Presbo church
I know that Riki Tiki Tavi flows through me
and I flow through Riki Tiki Tavi
and that we are one
and that Taki 183 is our prophet

If this body be not a cage,
every Easter I would stand over Michigan
and rub it with my holy hands
Riki Tiki would stretch her finger across the sky
to touch Michigan’s poor extended finger
which lethargically touches mine back
creating a sort of cosmic connection

If this body be not a cage,
I’d want myself buried in the garden of detroit every spring
and harvested every fall by a hot naked man with a hard interesting cock
I would wrap my vagina around it, and we would do it in the ocean
and I’m not scared of the ocean anymore
my sexy, sexy uterus would fall in sync with the waves in this funky ocean of sex
and we would birth the savior of Michigan
and float off in a basket down river.
According to Taki 183 this child shall lead the lower peninsula out of darkness

IV. RIKI TIKI DESCENDS

I wake up at night
This is the night of the day of my rebirth
This is the night of the day of the power in my body to descend upon the earth
This is the night of the day that the names on buildings have been crying out for
This is the night of the day for shit to go down
I wake up at night gasping
and shoot shrapnel from my lungs
it falls out of my mouth on the people of Michigan
the shrapnel sparks in the air
I set fire to Flint, to Saginaw, to Chelsea, to Alpena, downriver which was already on fire,
on Ypsi, on Petoskey, on Detroit, on Benton Harbor, on Kalamazoo
I cough in the night and start fires as sparks fall downward.
the people leave their houses and understand each other’s languages

According to the prophet Taki 183 the people will take back their cities
they will take back their cities with their names
They will write them on subways
on buildings
on statues
on bridges
on sidewalks
they will write them
until the cities are littered
with the identities of the people who live inside of them

Some Sadducees will call this trash
others will put it in galleries
the cage will rattle those inside
but when the insides rattle back
with the proof that they aren’t dead yet

there be no cage no more


Holey moley, holey moley, holey moley
the pen I write with is holy
It’s Easter and I stand inside of Michigan

A Lot of Things Are Stupid, But Only Somethings Are Gay.

Which letter is your favorite?
I got 26 options but the bitch ain't one.

I was walking up and down cross street with a goal at one end and a destination at the other. I realized that my transit mode goal was to just not get molested. Or at least be a goddam badass if I did.

Why do people call ladies mean names when they're wearing skimpy clothes? This is SO MISGUIDED. pick on the girls who are dressed ready for a fight - they're pretty much asking for it.

I'm a man and I demand a woman for that act.

So anywayzos, I was walking up and down cross street and I was thinking about farting. farting is interesting and important. when do people do it? when do they decide it's okay to do it? who do they fart around? when do they decide it's cool to fart around someone? is that decision valid for life?

i'm just not as interested in who you've been with, where you work, what you wear or what you talk about as i am in the nature of your farting.

and maybe that's just a cute quirk of mine.

I would say I judge people who "never fart." except my best friend is a "never farter." to this day I've never heard fart. and I don't think she's "the worst person ever." just, y'know, maybe a freak.


it's hard to know what write about when I'm this tired.

i bought smokes from Tom's tonight - I never see those guys anymore. Probably cuz I'm 21 so the need to buy booze under age is lessened.

this needs to be done. life is falling off of it's

almonds everywhere.

Masturbating Only Happens When You Try

sometimes i miss myself. then i realize, "oh hey, i've been here the whole time!" and that feels GREAT. really, i'm the friend that will never abandon me. i love myself. completely. in every single way.

sometimes i think about myself.

i'm so glad that i'm not without me. i'm really kind of fun.

i have an earnest face and only lie when its funny.
i have at least two ears.
i look funny in pictures, but sexier in real life.
that makes me better than most internets.

i make the world spin around and under me.
i am a breeze that messes up umbrellas and skirts.
but i like it, because i get to feel myself do something, and that makes me feel amazing.
and i like it when i feel amazing.

i wake up every day. there's never been a day that i've missed entirely. that's because it's a day that i get to wake up and spend with myself. i don't won't to close my eyes.
i don't want to miss a thing.

i'm so glad i get to be the girl pictured here. damn, girl.

i don't begrudge you for not being me.
that's part of why i like myself so much: i'm really generous with not hating people for not being anything like me.

in fact, it doesn't bother me one bit that they aren't me.
if they got to be me, i wouldn't be able to be.

i've been good at a number of things throughout my life, and that's really great.
sometimes i'm less good at things.
but i don't really care one way or another. either way, i get to be the person living inside of my spectacular form, animating my parts and watching myself succeeding or failing.
the outcome seems less significant when i think about it that way.

i wonder what the likelihood of me ending up being me was. 1 in a 1000? 1 in a 100bajakillion000? it's probably pretty high.

yo dog...what would it be like if i didn't luck out and end up being me? i might not like the other person i was pretending to be, as opposed to THIS person i ended up being. and being this person is PERFECTLY WONDERFUL.

really the more pertinent question is...this seems too good to be true..IS IT? am i REALLY me? or am i just suffering a hallucination and really i'm someone sucky.
like THIS guy:



oh MAN! he SUCKS!





i don't think i even know who that guy is!

i've been told: "y'know, if you love yourself so much why don't you MARRY you?"

that's a really good idea.

unfortunately, gay marriage is still illegal in michigan.



legalize marriage for all people so that i can marry myself, folks.

but then our kids would probably be the ubermensch who would end up being a real douchebag. it wouldn't be our fault - just the eugenic luck of the draw. sorry for ending the world guys.

it's true. i seen it.

Is it lunch time? Time for a disco pick me up!

Let's start your disco pick me up on the slower side to make sure you don't pull anything.



George McCrae - Rock Your Baby (1974)

It's amazing when a song can make you feel like you're spirits are so high when you're dancing so slowly. But there's something to it: sometimes it's too exhausting to shake it fast (watch yourself). Take it down a notch and rock back and forth all sexy like.

Now that you're warmed up, try out some of this guy's killer moves.


Boney M - Daddy Cool (1976)

god, I love them. And thanks to Ian Murray in general for showing me them.

Meanwhile, in Spain:


Fussy Cussy - La Vita (1976)

Love the rocky direction that one takes, and the guitars at the end.



Gloria Gaynor - Honey Bee (1973)

That one was really sexy because it was about how boys are like bees and they should go around stinging chicks more often. Thats something I can really get behind, because, like, I like boys too.

Speaking of how hot and sexy boys are, check out these fine male specimens:


now that you've gotten off, I'd say your disco pick me up is complete, and you're ready to get back to work. I hope it was good for you (too). Thanks for playing!

Tha Alkaholiks and Flute Samples

I was diggin' on Tha Alkaholiks earlier today and decided to post some of their videos.

Tha Alkaholiks came out of LA, though apparently two of the fellers are from exotic Cincinnati, Ohio. They're made up of DJ & producer E-Swift (Eric Brooks), and MC's J-Ro (James Robinson) and Tash (Rico Smith.) Thanks Wikipedia.

Here are some videos:

Tha Alkaholiks ft. Ol Dirty Bastard - Hip Hop Drunkies off of Likwidation in 1997.

Exciting song, it has this really noisy trashcan like bassline. I was excited that ODB made an appearance in this song, but uh, he seems to have missed the shooting for the video. Curious, especially during his short verse when they sort of awkwardly look at each other. But I'm pretty sure I saw Xzibit appear for a lulrandomz sighting.
Sweet whistle sample from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.

Tha Alkaholiks - The Next Level off of Coast II Coast, 1995.
Features the name "Dick Buttkiss" which I have some bizarre memory of hearing as a child. The bassline and horns reminded me of the 80s a bit, but it has this sort of dark keyboard line layered over it to make so much more 90s. Goofy bravado fun times.



Tha Alkaholiks - Lalala off of Firewater, 2006.
The video gives a sort of retrospective of the band, and has lots of cameos from smiley-faced West Coast rappers (you can say hi to Xzibit again). The song is pretty sweet, but really its all about the flute sample for me.

....and while I'm on about flute samples:


Dilated Peoples ft. Kanye West - This Way off of Neighborhood Watch, 2004.

This is the song that started my West Coast late 90's - early 2000's adventures today. A real clapper jam, Kanye is great, looking so fresh-faced and polo'd. And there's an escalator to heaven at the end. And you'll feel really inspired.

Ideas for Gabbie's Party

Gabriela Augustinaitis asked me to help her think of a name for her upcoming 23rd birthday party. Here are a few ideas I had:

1. Gabriela's 40th Birthday Blowout!

2. Fabriela's Fabulous Fiesta!

3. Losing Your Virginity: a 17th birthday party.

4. Sacrificing Virgins: A 23 Part Series

5. Ritualistic Torture and the Politics of Cannibalism in the Industrial Age: A 23rd Birthday Party

6. Copying and Pasting: Not Just Another Repeat Birthday Party

7. Remember to Floss - It's My Birthday, After All: A Hygienic Tribute to the Life and Times of Gabriela Augustinaitis

8. A Hand Job to Remember

9. Everybody Evacuate the Building in a Calm and Orderly Fashion - This Party is Going to Blow.

10. Puttin' Bombs in Presents: Gabriela's 23rd Birthday/Death Party

11. The Roof is on Fire and Your Parents Never Loved You: Come On In, It's Gabbie's Birthday

12. Don't Be Annoying - I Only Have So Many Birthday's Left

13. Don't Be a Party Pooper, But Feel Free to Poop at the Party (if you need to.)

14. Gabriela turns XXIII!

15. Must Love Sequels: Gabbie's 23rd Birthday.

16. Nobody Gets Laid: Happy Birthday, Gabbie.

This House is Mostly Not on Fire

Today was a day started with waking up. I woke up and tried to talk and couldn't find my voice, and so I panicked and coughed and squealed until better. Then I collapsed back onto my pillow and undid what I had done when I woke up.

In an hour I'll be on my way to Ikea.

An hour ago I got home from the library and made myself a fried egg and bacon sandwich. To be honest I did a bad job frying the bacon, and cooked my egg over hard as opposed to over easy because I was feeling too lazy to monitor it.

I like talking about food because I feel like I can be sincere about it. Where I can't be sincere about anything else, otherwise the Russians will kill me.

seeeeeeee??????

Feelings. Feelings. Feelings.

Here are a few pictures that explain feelings.



Right now I'm feeling glum/sulky.



I wish I was hugging an animate page. Who wouldn't want to? I know who wouldn't want to - this chick. BECAUSE SHE ALREADY IS.

Now I'm feeling furious/engaged!!!!!!!



Jokes I immediately thought of about Kimochis:

1. Am I just some sort of kimochi to you???!!
2. I think getting a kimochi is second base...I think.



This man is not happy to be holding a babby. The babby is happy to be held. Maybe this is the problem with the world.
Or that we see babby's as kimochis.

Or maybe babby's aren't kimochis and we think they are so the man is unhappy because he just realized the tiny human he is holding is only a feeling-less automaton, and really he just wants a toy with feelings inside.

I wonder at what point tiny humans get their first Feelings software installed. I'd say around age 3. Everything before that is just hunger and trapped gas.



This tiny human is trying out her new FeelingWare update. New Update includes:
-Happy Feelings
-Saucy Feelings
-Hot Dog Eating Preparation Face
-and Slightly Perturbed!

I'm actually beta testing some new software, and I've been really enjoying playing around with the Horny Feeling and Punch-Bitches-in-Face feeling. Still needs some bugs sorted out because sometimes you get horny and punch yourself in the face.


I think I should stop talking about software and gadgets because it's really obvious at this point that I don't know enough software lingo to adequately make jokes about it.

I know a few really good jokes about the smoking points of oils, though. Whooooowheeee!



Goddamm!!

What did the skillet say to the Olive Oil when it reached 375 degrees?

Oh baby, you're so hot...you're smoking!!


Ok bye.