Be Happy and Buy Me!

outdoor dinner party kinda porch

2011-09-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

so often my impressions of the city are through the noises i hear around me and that manage to wander up to whatever porch i'm sitting on.
i never see half the things i hear.
and i hear less than what i smell.
but i only really smell cigarettes right now.
i see cigarettes too. i could probably hear them if i tried.
but enough of smoking.
it happens sometimes. other times it doesn't happen.

but there's always a noise happening in the city.
i hear my roommates laughing inside.
i hear myself being too loud.
i hear people asking other people for beer, or for empty cans that used to have beer in them.
or bags rattling with lots of cans that used to have beer in them.
i hear a dog barking.
i hear crickets cricketing.
i hear nature and i hear man.
these are all sounds of life.
there's a sound of life happening in the weird house behind me.
a white lady i vaguely know is drunk and laughing really loudly.
or i'm guessing she's drunk from the time of night and how i usually see her back there.
i hope she's having a nice time.
i hear a couple on the street below me.
someone is wearing heavy shoes. and the guy says "riiiiiiight."
i hear the last buses for the day whistling into the station.
not too many people stand by the bus stop at this time of night.
but if it were earlier in the day i would hear them too.
once you're familiar enough with the sounds you can look at the city with your eyes closed.
i know that's a car not stopping long enough at the intersection of washtenaw and adams.
i hear another car going fast enough that it must be on hamilton.
i hear the last bus that was whistling moments ago make it's last trip out of ypsi.
it stops and beeps and lets more people on.
it gives a little fart and takes off again.
it turns right and i can hear this.
i hear myself tapping on the keyboard. my eyes are currently closed.
i can hear myself hitting the space bar.
and the enter key.
the other keys sound a little vague between eachother to know exactly which ones i'm hitting.
it feels quiet once you decide which noises are white noise:
crickets
lady laughing
cars
ambient buses leaving the station
when people walk by, or a noise comes from inside i see this as a distinct noise.
i get excited about them.
i'm capable of making so much noise in the city.
but it's a tuesday and i'm not feeling up for it.
most people aren't interested in hearing what noises i feel like giving off.
usually it's a mixture of george clinton, or abba, or my casio, or laughing too loudly.
it's a sign of being bored in my 20's with nothing else to do except be having fun on my porch.
a car is pulling up to my house...maybe it's for me? they turn off the car and i hear them open a door and they're stepping out. it sort of sounds like my friends.
but it's hard to hear because the white lady is laughing again, my roommate is talking about bottles, and yes it is for me. my friend just said hello to me.

Riki Tiki Speaks Words of Encouragement

2011-09-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

if this feels sort of fractioned off, it's because it's intended to be part of a larger piece. I've started working on a series of things attempting to explain the character of Riki Tiki Tavi and what they represent and the issues they've been put into the world to fight.
This was a smaller part I was feeling fairly settled with so figured I'd toss it into the internet tumble-box of crap, y'know, a blog.

and if a bunch of this seems Kenneth Koch-y inspired - yup.

Riki Tiki Speaks Words of Encouragement

Sometimes I cough and fear that it’s blood. I know that it’s bullets.

(Now, where are you?)
I’m driving through Dearborn on accident and it’s 9/11.
It’s 9/12 and I’m drinking a cup of coffee.

It’s some point in August and I’m emptying out a golden locket in Ann Arbor that hands have touched.
I’m not crying.
I’m looking for Riki Tiki. From her I can draw my strength.

It’s good to hear your voice brother.

Stop and look at the girl spinning the circles.
Think about her. Think about the circles.
Think about how great she is. Think about how she’s prettier than you.
Think about the circles she’s spinning and how useless they are.
Think about how great the circles are.
Think about her naked. Think about the circles naked.
But still the girl is just a dream, an image, as well as matter, as well as death.
The circles are the poem.

Write this poem until it becomes your life.
it is then your job to live your life in accordance with the poem.
For you are a dream as well as a god as well as a piss as well as a cycle hungry
carbon life form
You are a part of the earth as you learn to break the earth.

I was with you through the summer.
I was with you when you saw him.
I rejoice with the tall one
I fought the house with you
You’re a genius at resisting bullets.
Now I will enter inside of your golden locket and take you along with me.

A few things I have to say to you:
Remember, a full meal makes a slow mongoose.
Sometimes one can have a better time cleaning house than taking the world by storm.
You’ve created me through your prayers
You gave me a voice in your poems.
I saved you in the garden though you didn’t deserve me.
You believe in feelings and you know this to be true.
You know there to be external phenomena and internal impulses which decide how you interface to face.

And you know a bit of love. But can you live with love? Can you let it circulate?
Can you be held and hold back?
Can you say goodbye and mean something else?
Can you stroke hands?
Do you know nothing of prolonged eye contact?
Would you allow the warm tingling to spread from your fertile crescent out to the tips of your fingers and the lines of your lips and let them be guided to the one you love -
or have you become too jaded and insane my child?
Do you wake up so haughty every morning to believe the world will tear everything from you?
Are you too smart to believe the sun shines with more than one meaning?
Are you so sure you’ll never sit in his lap again, and reach for his hand and taste his lips?
No moment has an architect hell-bent to destroy you, my darling. But every moment has a start and an end you can only see afterward, and you function with him in moments of euphoria.
Are you so clever as to explain euphoria?
The sun rises too quickly and quietly some mornings, and for this I apologize.
But have you not the moon? Have you not late night breakfast?
Will you not hold hands on the street looking beautiful together?
Your tears are a beautiful seasoning, as is your sex - waste neither of them.
Wake up in the morning, stumble home and cry in the shower if you must because that is what you are feeling and I love your feelings.
They are yours and they are beautiful.
But you will never be asked to give up.
For were you not given the most beautiful hair, and eyes, the softest of skin and flowing of hands?
Weren’t you given your mind to stare out of those eyes and know the world happens only so very indirectly at you?
For what it means, it so rarely means to, and I’d rather you be held in the hands of the grasses by the river than to believe for a moment that you are alone.

The East quakes and then falls still. How much your life has changed.
But you still remain positioned somewhere between life and death and eating
and shitting and
sleeping and not sleeping.
It is all dreams and it is all waking in the Midwest,
in the heartlands, on the broken railroad tracks of the rustbelt.
You stand up for the bus as it comes and sit down as it leaves,
thinking of him and life and his life and being in a different circle than yours
and the levity of all these things.

The wind is the biggest difference for you now. But it is all still a cycle. And you can live through cycles my dearest darling.

Now I would like to leave you.
Hold the locket when you miss me
but know that it is only a locket, and those are only hands
and when you feel power through holding it
it comes from you.
May the wind always kiss your skin
and the rain always stroke your face
and the ground be firmly under your feet when you aren’t flying.

60's Pop Fetish

2011-06-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

I like to clumsily scour YouTube for videos I like - and if you're friends with me on Facebook and my newsfeed goes into your newsfeed, this fact is probably too obvious.

I've recently developed a deep and lasting love for old pop shows, with a recent infatuation on the 60's. There's something about the simplistic bombast (yes, I said simplistic bombast) of background dancers, backing bands, and maybe just old-timey hair-dos that get me going. Early television is always a blast to watch.
Here are some of my recent fun finds, hope you likey:

Del Shannon performing "Runaway" on the show Hollywood A Go-Go. What I know of this show, via Wikipedia, it was a not very long-running show based out of LA. It lasted for about a year ('64-'65) but featured some pretty famous peeps, such as like, Smokey Robinson, Aretha Franklin, James Brown, & Sonny Cher. I love this clip of Del Shannon. The go-go girls trotting around the stage just gets me.

The Shangri-las performing "Leader of the Pack"
I've been doing a certain amount of digging to figure out what show this is. There are two different leads. The first is from a YouTube commenter pointing out that the motorcycle rider is Robert Goulet, a Canadian entertainer - which makes them believe it is on his and his wife's (Carol Lawrence) show. However, I see no evidence of them ever having a show together.
The other is that it's from the game show "I've Got a Secret" on CBS. The video has "Game Show" icon on the top right, which makes this seem fairly likely. And perhaps since it's not such a pop show format leads to why the video is also so goofy.
Also I fully support motorcycles on stage.

Sylvie Vartan - Irrésistiblement Vidéo gotti57 sélectionnée dans Musique

Sylvie Vartan performing "Irresistiblement"
This video took me FOREVER to find (considering that we're on the internet, so really, not that long). Vartan is a favorite Ye-Ye girl of mine, and this is probably my favorite jam of hers. I'd read about this video, but hadn't been able to find it UNTIL NOW. This aired in December of 1968 on the show "Jolie Poupee", which is also the name of a song she performs later alongside a doll version of herself(cool vid too, I just like this song more.) Earlier in 1968 Vartan had been in a car accident, but was able to recover and go back on tour in a couple months - which may be why she goes slightly easier on herself in this video than she often does.

Small Faces performing "All or Nothing"
Well, okay, they're performing on the street, so this isn't exactly a pop show. But it's such a cool video of them, and I love the people walking in front of the camera and dropping coins in the hat(such greed. GOD.) This is apparently in Stockholm, though I'm not entirely certain.
I have burgeoning love for Small Faces and the Mods, as well as a huge boner for Steve Marriot. He's a great performer and his voice gives me the shivs. (Shivs: see Shivers)
I believe this was filmed 66ish-67ish.

Okee doke, that's all. Have a great day folks.

Some General Instructions

2011-06-19T16:54:00.000-07:00

Make sure to eat a varied diet of fruits and veggies. It'll increase your enjoyment of The Earth's flora. It also keep you happy and healthy, and it'll probably be easier to get laid. Remember that nobody likes an ugly bitch.

If you usually always wear a bra, sometimes don't wear it.

Remember how to read and write. These things will come in handy some day and you'll be glad you took the time out of your day to figure these out.

Nobody stares at your face as much as the entire world does. How often do you get to stare in your face? Make an effort to look at it more. Figure out it's curves. Remember it's fine lines. Anticipate future wrinkles but learn to appreciate the ones you've already acquired. It's fine to be disappointed in yourself and your life choices but don't wallow about stupid shits for too long.

Think of interesting cuss words and fun ways to spell them on the internet. Try saying: "I don't give a wigwam, for fux sake."

Remember that a lot of things are offensive to different cultures. You're just one culture. And you might be offending yourself at times.

Listen to hip-hop.

Find interesting ways to move your body. Then move your body that way around people you don't know very well and see if they treat you differently than other people do. But remember that this could simply be because you don't know them very well and they're just different. Of course, it could also be because you're moving differently.

It's often hard to know things for sure.

When you're on the phone with people, make sure to ask them what they're wearing. People appreciate other people being interested in them.

Try to go to the bathroom regularly. Be careful when you wash your hands. Make sure they're actually getting clean.

If you're bored, you can always try going to a museum. They're often free. Or else really expensive. That generally is an indicator of how interesting a museum is. If it's free it's probably because they don't have anything good and can't afford someone to work at the front counter anyway, and they figure they can save on labor if they just take away the need to collect money. As well as saving on machinery to ring people up. Credit card machines can be expensive, since no one has cash on them anymore.

If you have cash, try to exchange all the bills in for golden dollars. They're very special and are worth twice as much. You can get rich this way.
If you get a lot of golden dollars, put it in a clever sack and wear it around your waist. That way you can easily access your treasure, as well as have a good conversation piece.

Severe food allergies can be a menace. Try not to antagonize people who have them. You never know when they're going to snap.

Don't drink too much.

It's not a bad idea to try out being religious for awhile. And if it doesn't work for you, don't beat yourself up. You can always try out something else to give your life meaning. There's plenty of time for being wishy-washy with your eternity.

Do your laundry more than once a month. Don't waste water, but come on. If your clothes are smelly no one will really like being around you.

If you fall in love with someone, make sure to surprise them once in awhile. Get an exotic pet. Open the door wearing a tutu. Write them a poem. Make sure the poem doesn't suck so bad. But if it does suck, you can make up for the suckiness by playing minimalist guitar riffs and reading your poem over the music. Lots of shitty poets have found success in relationships this way.

If you don't have health insurance, be bitter about it. It's unfair and a method of passive aggressive long-term euthanizing. Your country is being a dick face.

When posing for pictures, don't try too hard. You want it to still look like you so that no one is disappointed when they see the real you.

As you go through life, you might find you need to marry for money. This is okay as long as you can be a good cook. They'll probably appreciate your contributions to the union, and not mind buying you good ingredients and clever flatware.

When out to dinner with other people, do not throw up onto other people's plates.

Remember that everything dies. You're dying. You're dying right now. Watch yourself in the mirror so you can see what death looks like.
Remember that you can't live without dying though. Remark upon this fact.
Tattoo it on your body so that you don't forget. As you grow older watch the tattoo morph with the sagging contours of your body. Pay attention to the liver spots that grow underneath the ink of the tattoo.
This will help you remember how true of a fact that all is.

Don't hurt people in ways that are dumb.

Slippers can be a very wise investment. They bring comfort and warmth around the home.

If you must have pets, don't ignore them.

Don't make lists that use letters to organize the points. That's going against what God created letters for. They are for making pictures of sounds - not for counting.

Don't stay at your house all day. Get outside. Spy on your neighbors. Stretch out. Run around the block. Play hopscotch with the neighbor kids. Go buy a fifth of whiskey. Drink the whiskey as you walk around in circles in your yard.
Once you have finished the fifth of whiskey, go out on the town and see who you can get to hang out with you. You might meet somebody nice who'll sleep with you, or maybe you can at least find a new friend who might sleep with you someday.
Don't give up if you meet no one at the first place you go. Try the park. Lots of lonely and nice people hang out at parks. But no matter how it turns out, at least you've already gotten out of the house today which means you can go back to your house and have a nice time sitting around and watching television.
Maybe there's some good reruns of Malcolm in the Middle on UPN. You like that show. It's humorous and silly but satisfying to watch. Don't get too frustrated during the commercials. You can always turn the television on mute during the commercials, or get up and fix yourself a ham sandwich. This will be nice to eat as well as help sop up the pool of alcohol sitting in your stomach from the fifth of whiskey.
Once you've made your sandwich, you can put it on a plate and grab a napkin, and maybe the commercials will be finished by then. You must be cautious because it's easy to miss the first 30 seconds, or even minute, of the show if you aren't quick enough. This can be disappointing and make the plot line rather confusing. With enough practice you'll probably be able to anticipate the length of commercial breaks, or learn the theme music to Malcolm in the Middle well enough to where you can run out of your kitchen and back over to your couch, with your sandwich and napkin, quick enough to where you don't miss anything.

If you go out on dates with people, be friendly and tell them you had a nice time. Unless you didn't. Don't lie to them. Only ever tell them the truth no matter how boring it is.

If you have a basket, put all of these pieces of advice inside of this poem in the basket. Carry that basket around with you so that you can remember this poem easily. If you're unsure how to act in a situation, confer with the basket. It'll know what you need to do. Relax and trust. You need to live your life to at least some extent.

Now, Go. The poem has ended. live in peace.

I'm Cold and It's a Sunday

2011-06-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

It's not hilarious - it's a sign of life.

I'm going to sit here and drink wine with one hand, but I'm going to set the glass down to type. These are two events that seem to be happening simultaneously - but it's a ruse. I'm tricking a huge giant who lives high in the sky and only sees me as tiny piece of dust, typing on a computer and drinking wine at the same time. But if he's could get off of his stupid ass sky house and take a real look at the goddam situation for once in his fucking life...maybe he would see that I don't drink wine while I type.

That's confusing and potentially hazardous to my computer. Idiot.

Another interesting development:
i just lit a cigarette and started smoking it. I had to stop typing altogether, AND not be drinking wine. The giant might see this as an anomaly, if he took the time to carefully watch (WHICH HE WOULDN'T. fuckin giants). he'd probably study it, until he sees a common enough pattern and realize that
"...this appears to be just another habit the tiny dust mite has. Though it is interesting to note that the creature seems to have less anxiety about performing the acts of 'typing' and 'smoking' simultaneously. I have noted a frequent, yet clumsy and haphazardous pattern of, what I have come to call, 'smoping' where the creature lackadaisically leaves a cigarette in her mouth and tries to type without getting too much smoke into it's small centered eyeballs."

This is a weird rant. I think it's over now.

But in other important news:
-Should I continue to stay out here? Should I go inside and make guacamole?
-I probably wouldn't get around to eating much guacamole tonight, honestly.
-But if I make it now I won't have to make it tomorrow. and guac really needs to sit a bit to be really delicious.
-whoa, what if my avocados still aren't ripe enough for all the squishing?
-maybe I'll just watch a movie and fall asleep. I have some pretty sweet movies laying around.
-I'm wearing a onesie for adult humans.
-upside: really comfy. downside: going to the bathroom.
-note: must input crotchal snaps into the adult human onesie.

Really though: typing in all caps is so joyous. It's like the running down a hill screaming for the internet.

Or being the weird autistic kid at the party.

There's a mostly dead cat whose been wandering around my house living the last dregs of his life near my porch. It's depressing and has got to be a bad omen.

I put the men in menstrual cycle.

I'm still cold and it's still Sunday. Fiddleeee deee.

Life makes it dreary march on the steps of my porch. Limping along with Space Aids.

this all sounds really depressing, but I'm not really sure I'm in a bad mood. Moods are just moods. They float around like tiny specks of dust moving and pushing nothing that really matters. and if you never clean you get a build up on the top of your record player, and it looks like you never use any of the cool toys you own.

Speaking of dust, I'm allergic to it. I'm allergic to fucking dust. How does that become an actual allergy? We're allegedly made from dust, and we're going to become dust again at some point. I was told that most Ash Wednesdays of my whole life. Does this all mean that I'm allergic to the state of not being alive?

I mean, that's actually a fair thing to say. But maybe a little redundant.

Unless, when I die, I'll just give myself a huge sneezing fit. And thats what death will be like. Pretty dumb, kinda weird, and really boring.

Easter In Michigan

2011-05-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

I. OPENING INVOCATION
Holey moley, holey moley, holey moley,
holey moley, holey moley
the voice coming from my pen is holey moley
Roll away the stoned
it’s Easter, and Christ he’s done it again.
There’s holes in his hands holes in his hands holes in his hands
and I’m blowing smoke through his hands and they’re holey
holey moley, I’m holding a roley-poley and it’s holy.
Amen.

II. THE FALSE PROPHETS OF DETROIT AND THE STATE OF THE WORLD
There are names on the street but
the streets have names
given to them by a faceless false prophet
saying that this street will be Main Street

and these are the boxes we live in
These are the boxes we write our names on
and told to keep them to ourselves
or inside a gallery where they will be ascribed to ourselves

but a voice cries out in the wilderness
preprare ye the way
my prophet is Taki 183
and my name is Riki Tiki Tavi
prepare ye the way for some sweet shit

There are potholes in detroit
there are people smoking pot in holes in detroit
the city is broken iron pottery in detroit
and detroit is holy - the whole midwest is holy
the whole midwest is rotting with holes
the spirit of detroit writhes and shakes the ground
urban tumbleweeds flying out of abandoned homes
some say the city is dead
i say the city is reinterpreting life

deep in the center of detroit
a child sneaks out at night
to write his name on the boardwalk
his parents roll their eyes as his hand shakes with legitimacy
he paints his name and runs off back through the dark neighborhoods
the building quivers
a sacred text has been written
and the cosmos adjust themselves accordingly
one name proves that life exists
Henry Ford stirs in his tomb
“someone touched my robe - i felt some power leave me.”
and I, Riki Tiki Tavi, know my time has come to act.

III. THE BALLAD OF RIKI TIKI TAVI
The body is a bit of a cage I don’t understand
I have hives on my hands.
the hives of the world are in my holey hands.
my pen rubs them as i write these holy words

Riki Tiki Tavi lives in the city that houses the cock of the cousin of the prophet
Demetaki Ypsilanti
the mighty Huron brings life to the city
but the river is dying
I sit by the river and draw my power from it
I sit on Michigan Ave and draw my power from the sewer drains
I sit on my balcony and draw power from the hunchback that lives in the Presbo church
I know that Riki Tiki Tavi flows through me
and I flow through Riki Tiki Tavi
and that we are one
and that Taki 183 is our prophet

If this body be not a cage,
every Easter I would stand over Michigan
and rub it with my holy hands
Riki Tiki would stretch her finger across the sky
to touch Michigan’s poor extended finger
which lethargically touches mine back
creating a sort of cosmic connection

If this body be not a cage,
I’d want myself buried in the garden of detroit every spring
and harvested every fall by a hot naked man with a hard interesting cock
I would wrap my vagina around it, and we would do it in the ocean
and I’m not scared of the ocean anymore
my sexy, sexy uterus would fall in sync with the waves in this funky ocean of sex
and we would birth the savior of Michigan
and float off in a basket down river.
According to Taki 183 this child shall lead the lower peninsula out of darkness

IV. RIKI TIKI DESCENDS

I wake up at night
This is the night of the day of my rebirth
This is the night of the day of the power in my body to descend upon the earth
This is the night of the day that the names on buildings have been crying out for
This is the night of the day for shit to go down
I wake up at night gasping
and shoot shrapnel from my lungs
it falls out of my mouth on the people of Michigan
the shrapnel sparks in the air
I set fire to Flint, to Saginaw, to Chelsea, to Alpena, downriver which was already on fire,
on Ypsi, on Petoskey, on Detroit, on Benton Harbor, on Kalamazoo
I cough in the night and start fires as sparks fall downward.
the people leave their houses and understand each other’s languages

According to the prophet Taki 183 the people will take back their cities
they will take back their cities with their names
They will write them on subways
on buildings
on statues
on bridges
on sidewalks
they will write them
until the cities are littered
with the identities of the people who live inside of them

Some Sadducees will call this trash
others will put it in galleries
the cage will rattle those inside
but when the insides rattle back
with the proof that they aren’t dead yet

there be no cage no more

Holey moley, holey moley, holey moley
the pen I write with is holy
It’s Easter and I stand inside of Michigan

A Lot of Things Are Stupid, But Only Somethings Are Gay.

2011-05-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

Which letter is your favorite?
I got 26 options but the bitch ain't one.

I was walking up and down cross street with a goal at one end and a destination at the other. I realized that my transit mode goal was to just not get molested. Or at least be a goddam badass if I did.

Why do people call ladies mean names when they're wearing skimpy clothes? This is SO MISGUIDED. pick on the girls who are dressed ready for a fight - they're pretty much asking for it.

I'm a man and I demand a woman for that act.

So anywayzos, I was walking up and down cross street and I was thinking about farting. farting is interesting and important. when do people do it? when do they decide it's okay to do it? who do they fart around? when do they decide it's cool to fart around someone? is that decision valid for life?

i'm just not as interested in who you've been with, where you work, what you wear or what you talk about as i am in the nature of your farting.

and maybe that's just a cute quirk of mine.

I would say I judge people who "never fart." except my best friend is a "never farter." to this day I've never heard fart. and I don't think she's "the worst person ever." just, y'know, maybe a freak.

it's hard to know what write about when I'm this tired.

i bought smokes from Tom's tonight - I never see those guys anymore. Probably cuz I'm 21 so the need to buy booze under age is lessened.

this needs to be done. life is falling off of it's

almonds everywhere.

Masturbating Only Happens When You Try

2011-04-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

sometimes i miss myself. then i realize, "oh hey, i've been here the whole time!" and that feels GREAT. really, i'm the friend that will never abandon me. i love myself. completely. in every single way.

sometimes i think about myself.

i'm so glad that i'm not without me. i'm really kind of fun.

i have an earnest face and only lie when its funny.
i have at least two ears.
i look funny in pictures, but sexier in real life.
that makes me better than most internets.

i make the world spin around and under me.
i am a breeze that messes up umbrellas and skirts.
but i like it, because i get to feel myself do something, and that makes me feel amazing.
and i like it when i feel amazing.

i wake up every day. there's never been a day that i've missed entirely. that's because it's a day that i get to wake up and spend with myself. i don't won't to close my eyes.
i don't want to miss a thing.

i'm so glad i get to be the girl pictured here. damn, girl.

i don't begrudge you for not being me.
that's part of why i like myself so much: i'm really generous with not hating people for not being anything like me.

in fact, it doesn't bother me one bit that they aren't me.
if they got to be me, i wouldn't be able to be.

i've been good at a number of things throughout my life, and that's really great.
sometimes i'm less good at things.
but i don't really care one way or another. either way, i get to be the person living inside of my spectacular form, animating my parts and watching myself succeeding or failing.
the outcome seems less significant when i think about it that way.

i wonder what the likelihood of me ending up being me was. 1 in a 1000? 1 in a 100bajakillion000? it's probably pretty high.

yo dog...what would it be like if i didn't luck out and end up being me? i might not like the other person i was pretending to be, as opposed to THIS person i ended up being. and being this person is PERFECTLY WONDERFUL.

really the more pertinent question is...this seems too good to be true..IS IT? am i REALLY me? or am i just suffering a hallucination and really i'm someone sucky.
like THIS guy:

oh MAN! he SUCKS!

i don't think i even know who that guy is!

i've been told: "y'know, if you love yourself so much why don't you MARRY you?"

that's a really good idea.

unfortunately, gay marriage is still illegal in michigan.

legalize marriage for all people so that i can marry myself, folks.

but then our kids would probably be the ubermensch who would end up being a real douchebag. it wouldn't be our fault - just the eugenic luck of the draw. sorry for ending the world guys.

it's true. i seen it.

Is it lunch time? Time for a disco pick me up!

2011-03-24T06:57:00.000-07:00

Let's start your disco pick me up on the slower side to make sure you don't pull anything.

George McCrae - Rock Your Baby (1974)

It's amazing when a song can make you feel like you're spirits are so high when you're dancing so slowly. But there's something to it: sometimes it's too exhausting to shake it fast (watch yourself). Take it down a notch and rock back and forth all sexy like.

Now that you're warmed up, try out some of this guy's killer moves.

Boney M - Daddy Cool (1976)

god, I love them. And thanks to Ian Murray in general for showing me them.

Meanwhile, in Spain:

Fussy Cussy - La Vita (1976)

Love the rocky direction that one takes, and the guitars at the end.

Gloria Gaynor - Honey Bee (1973)

That one was really sexy because it was about how boys are like bees and they should go around stinging chicks more often. Thats something I can really get behind, because, like, I like boys too.

Speaking of how hot and sexy boys are, check out these fine male specimens:

now that you've gotten off, I'd say your disco pick me up is complete, and you're ready to get back to work. I hope it was good for you (too). Thanks for playing!

Tha Alkaholiks and Flute Samples

2011-03-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

I was diggin' on Tha Alkaholiks earlier today and decided to post some of their videos.

Tha Alkaholiks came out of LA, though apparently two of the fellers are from exotic Cincinnati, Ohio. They're made up of DJ & producer E-Swift (Eric Brooks), and MC's J-Ro (James Robinson) and Tash (Rico Smith.) Thanks Wikipedia.

Here are some videos:

Tha Alkaholiks ft. Ol Dirty Bastard - Hip Hop Drunkies off of Likwidation in 1997.

Exciting song, it has this really noisy trashcan like bassline. I was excited that ODB made an appearance in this song, but uh, he seems to have missed the shooting for the video. Curious, especially during his short verse when they sort of awkwardly look at each other. But I'm pretty sure I saw Xzibit appear for a lulrandomz sighting.
Sweet whistle sample from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.

Tha Alkaholiks - The Next Level off of Coast II Coast, 1995.
Features the name "Dick Buttkiss" which I have some bizarre memory of hearing as a child. The bassline and horns reminded me of the 80s a bit, but it has this sort of dark keyboard line layered over it to make so much more 90s. Goofy bravado fun times.

Tha Alkaholiks - Lalala off of Firewater, 2006.
The video gives a sort of retrospective of the band, and has lots of cameos from smiley-faced West Coast rappers (you can say hi to Xzibit again). The song is pretty sweet, but really its all about the flute sample for me.

....and while I'm on about flute samples:

Dilated Peoples ft. Kanye West - This Way off of Neighborhood Watch, 2004.

This is the song that started my West Coast late 90's - early 2000's adventures today. A real clapper jam, Kanye is great, looking so fresh-faced and polo'd. And there's an escalator to heaven at the end. And you'll feel really inspired.

Ideas for Gabbie's Party

2011-01-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

Gabriela Augustinaitis asked me to help her think of a name for her upcoming 23rd birthday party. Here are a few ideas I had:

1. Gabriela's 40th Birthday Blowout!

2. Fabriela's Fabulous Fiesta!

3. Losing Your Virginity: a 17th birthday party.

4. Sacrificing Virgins: A 23 Part Series

5. Ritualistic Torture and the Politics of Cannibalism in the Industrial Age: A 23rd Birthday Party

6. Copying and Pasting: Not Just Another Repeat Birthday Party

7. Remember to Floss - It's My Birthday, After All: A Hygienic Tribute to the Life and Times of Gabriela Augustinaitis

8. A Hand Job to Remember

9. Everybody Evacuate the Building in a Calm and Orderly Fashion - This Party is Going to Blow.

10. Puttin' Bombs in Presents: Gabriela's 23rd Birthday/Death Party

11. The Roof is on Fire and Your Parents Never Loved You: Come On In, It's Gabbie's Birthday

12. Don't Be Annoying - I Only Have So Many Birthday's Left

13. Don't Be a Party Pooper, But Feel Free to Poop at the Party (if you need to.)

14. Gabriela turns XXIII!

15. Must Love Sequels: Gabbie's 23rd Birthday.

16. Nobody Gets Laid: Happy Birthday, Gabbie.

This House is Mostly Not on Fire

2011-01-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

Today was a day started with waking up. I woke up and tried to talk and couldn't find my voice, and so I panicked and coughed and squealed until better. Then I collapsed back onto my pillow and undid what I had done when I woke up.

In an hour I'll be on my way to Ikea.

An hour ago I got home from the library and made myself a fried egg and bacon sandwich. To be honest I did a bad job frying the bacon, and cooked my egg over hard as opposed to over easy because I was feeling too lazy to monitor it.

I like talking about food because I feel like I can be sincere about it. Where I can't be sincere about anything else, otherwise the Russians will kill me.

seeeeeeee??????

Feelings. Feelings. Feelings.

Here are a few pictures that explain feelings.

Right now I'm feeling glum/sulky.

I wish I was hugging an animate page. Who wouldn't want to? I know who wouldn't want to - this chick. BECAUSE SHE ALREADY IS.

Now I'm feeling furious/engaged!!!!!!!

Jokes I immediately thought of about Kimochis:

1. Am I just some sort of kimochi to you???!!
2. I think getting a kimochi is second base...I think.

This man is not happy to be holding a babby. The babby is happy to be held. Maybe this is the problem with the world.
Or that we see babby's as kimochis.

Or maybe babby's aren't kimochis and we think they are so the man is unhappy because he just realized the tiny human he is holding is only a feeling-less automaton, and really he just wants a toy with feelings inside.

I wonder at what point tiny humans get their first Feelings software installed. I'd say around age 3. Everything before that is just hunger and trapped gas.

This tiny human is trying out her new FeelingWare update. New Update includes:
-Happy Feelings
-Saucy Feelings
-Hot Dog Eating Preparation Face
-and Slightly Perturbed!

I'm actually beta testing some new software, and I've been really enjoying playing around with the Horny Feeling and Punch-Bitches-in-Face feeling. Still needs some bugs sorted out because sometimes you get horny and punch yourself in the face.

I think I should stop talking about software and gadgets because it's really obvious at this point that I don't know enough software lingo to adequately make jokes about it.

I know a few really good jokes about the smoking points of oils, though. Whooooowheeee!

Goddamm!!

What did the skillet say to the Olive Oil when it reached 375 degrees?

Oh baby, you're so hot...you're smoking!!

Ok bye.

And there was evening, and there was morning, the fifth day.

2010-08-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

I WANNA COW!

I Want a DUCK. DO you people understand??? I know nothing. I fail on computers, Pleeeezzzz give me a DUCK!!!!!

it's not poop. it's a bee hive

I don't know how to make a duck - but i wold love to. i love ducks! i also agree with the cow. they should definitely do more animals.

There's a piece of poo, but I don't know how to make it.

I WANNA COW, DUCK, AN GECKO!!!!!! lol

i think there should be a frog and a cow and a i wanna know how to make a pice of poo.

i think there should be more animals and others

cool.... i can make the devil!!!! it really works:

here is my poop

wow u all r awkward ... who cares about poop i hhavta ipck it up outside after my dog..andmy cat..and my hamster AGH@!!!!

how do u make a creasent moon?

why isn't there an angel face!? I know all of these..but where the hell is the angel face???

cool and the monkey :(:) no wait thats a pig!!!!!

srry 2 all u bee luvrs out ther, but i agree with "Me"

cheasous crised you guyes get a life you say the same things the poop is what is the cow just cool down sit back in you chair and do nothing but think for a minute some people are lying face it the angel is ooo<>ooo yeah right no it is not i tryed it before get a grip go out side climb a tree walk to the park dont just sit next to the computer come on you will one day use glasses so thik just to see a capital letter if you carry on

Hey Everyone Forgot about the (devil)= }:)

NONE OF THESE WORK! CAN U GUYS SHUT UP PLEASE! I AM TRYING TO DO A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL ON EMOTICONS AND IT IS VERY DIFFICULT WHEN EVERYTHING I FIND IS A LIE. U ALL R LOZERS? WHY DO YOU SPEND UR TIME DOING THIS? I BET YOU THAT SOME OF YOU OUT THERE ON THIS SITE READING THIS ARE ADULTS! GET A LIFE! GO DO SOMETHING REAL FOR ONCE! INSTEAD OF SITTING ON YOUR BUTT! I LIVE IN PARIS, FRANCE AND I HAVE TO ADMIT I DON'T GET OUT TO MUCH, I GO OUT LIKE 2 TIMES A WEEK BUT I HAVE SCHOOL ALSO TO DEAL WITH AND HOMEWORK, SO MY EXCUSE MAKES SINCE. YOU ALLLLL NEED LIFES. AND THAT IS THAT.

Keeping the Romance Alive When Entering the Fire of Hades (That Toast Shit)

2010-07-31T15:18:00.000-07:00

this is the way you work a toaster
When properly worked, the toaster will return the favor
and work for you.

First, we should discuss how toasters came to be.
it is always important to start at the very beginning.
AT THE VERY BEGINNING
now if you can't sort this out you'll never get-
START AT THE BEGINNING!

for starters, people have been lighting bread on fire for years.
many toast skeptics wonder if we're even covering new ground.
oh Jean-Claude zee Americanz zink zey are so clever wif
zer bread caramlezing machinerrey!
Zer stupidity is zo zo charming!

The invention of bread dates back to the invention of beer.
The two walk hand in hand.
The yeast eaters, we calls them.
Actually we don't call them that because that isn't even right
and as a poet I'm not responsible for science.

The first instance of toast happened in the year 3047 Before Crust when a young boy left his sprouted grain bread between two hot slabs of rock. Young Logi figured his lunch would be ruined, but he loved his snack instead.
He topped it with grape jelly and feasted.

to this day, you too, even you, even you and your dumbass
can manage to scramble up some toast.
First you must prepare your sacrifice.

I recommend sliced bread
but
many cultures have used other articles for toasting
for 10's of 100's of years.
Speaking of which, this should be a communal event.
Gather your family and neighbors around the hearth for the toasting.
Hold hands.
Use this time to tell stories and exchange cultural values and norms.
Get to know the farmers who grow your food, so you can look them in the eye
and say
"Do you use pesticides? Well, punk, do ya?"

Now that you've prepared the sacrifice and gathered your social support system around you,
it is now time to plug in the toaster.
Do this quickly as to not irritate the spirits that live in the space between the outlet and the outside world.
This liminal space is their home and it deserves respect.

Oh god, I'm so sick of writing about toast now.
The toast muse
(if there depressingly enough is such a thing)
has certainly left me.
I've gotta wrap this shit up quiiiiiick.

oksowhatever, you plugged in your toaster, wooptydoo.
Now the electrical current flows in a figure 8 pattern down the cord
where it gets let in through the gate by the gatekeeper.

His name is Charles.

so Charles is like "hey, I guess you can come in"
and the current says "thanks Charles!"
At this point, put in your bread, and apply 2-5 lbs of pressure on the lever.
this signals the electrical current to light a cigarette.
And that is how it gets toasted.

Things to look out for and general troubleshooting:
1. Moist bread - allow your bread to dry slightly before toasting.
2. A cranky Charles - make sure to clean out the crumb tray regularly. It is his home.
3. Getting so bored with talking about toast
4. That you don't want to keep going
5. To keep the romance alive, try a variety of toppings.

And that is all you'll ever need to know about toast.

Social Interactions Make Me Feel Oooky Inside

2010-06-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

but not always.
if anything i've been the sort of kid who is good at talking and yammering away.
but when you see someone who
1. you haven't seen in awhile, and
2. you only ever sort of knew them and
3. you have nothing to talk about with them and
4.they're standing in line for coffee and you're coming back from the bathroom
5. you're dressed exceptionally silly today and they may or may not think it's cool but it's always hard to know for sure because you never really knew them very well

now, as a kid i could just walk by this person and not say hi to them or say hi to them and the full implications of my whim wouldn't really be considered by them because, hell, i'm just a kid.
but now that I'm supposed to be some asshole grown-up, social choices matter a lot more.

i feel like i never knew anything about social anxiety until this past year.
before that i was just always weird so i could do whatever i liked and people generally thought i was okay.
now its like omgholyshit it really does matter what i say.

and i've noticed that grown ups suck at talking often too. i never noticed that before - there were just some people i liked talking to and others that i didn't, and i would just not talk to the people i didn't like talking to. now i get stuck talking to people all the time, and notice that they aren't very good at it and i'm far too a-d-d for this convo.

such as, like, i was at a bridal shower recently and this lady sat next to me. she was about my mom's age. we start talking to each other, getting to small talk first base, and i ask her how she knows blah-blah-blah, and she says "oh, i'm blah-blah-blahs mother." and i'm like, "whoooa, really?" because this lady looked way too young to be blah-blah-blah's mom. then she's all like:

"oh wait, no i'm sorry. i'm blah-blah-blah's sister. i mean, wait, no, i'm blah-blah-blah's friend." in reaction to her, i presume my face looked kinda judg-ey at this point, because she looked a bit pained. she sighed then explained "i mean, we're just so close that sometimes i think of us as sisters."

"yeah right" i thought to myself. "you just got all tongue-tango-tied ms. lady. and that's kind of okay..in fact, i guess i prefer it to you having a really normal conversation with me. because if it was normal then i wouldn't have this cool story for my blog."

moving right along, though.
if you manage to snag a human into conversation with you, it presents different problems. i think we need more effective ways to get out of conversation.

1. there's the classy "i'm a cold-hearted british person" method of just nodding and saying "excuse me", which is a way of saying "i have to go investigate the impropriety of my daughter's actions who i haven't seen since she last eloped with some ruffian-hooligan half-assed Jane Austen pseudo-villain."

2. that seems like a pretty cool thing to do.

3a. but the problem with that is you really have to have an urgent thing to go do.
3b.what if you just want to not talk to this person anymore simply because you ran out of material, not because you hate them? nor because you have anything better to do?
you could just say something like "oh, i'm going to go mingle with other people." which at least is straight-forward, but what if you run into each other again? then it's like "oh hi, here i am still mingling with you. i thought i was going to go be somebody. instead i suck and went nowhere. sigh."

4. then there's the classic "drag other people into the conversation technique."

PERSON 1 (getting sick of the convo at this point because they have nothing interesting to say): oh yes, haha, (cough cough) that is very interesting indeed.
PERSON 2(also really have nothing else to say): yes, i think so as well. hmm...lalala.
PERSON 1: yup.
PERSON 2: haha
(PERSON 3, UNSUSPECTING FOOL, WALKS BY SIPPING A GIN N' TONIC MINDING THEIR OWN GODDAM BUSINESS)
PERSON 1: ohhh, person 3! we were just talking about something that would interest you!
PERSON 3: ohhhhhh...were you? (??)
PERSON 1: yes, we were talking about how interesting muskrat feces are.
AND BAM.
person 1 & 2 now have a new companion to ease the strain of the conversation ending, hopefully adding interesting material, and maybe giving 1 or 2 a chance to slip away.

i personally use this technique frequently and am a real fan. mostly because people don't catch on to what you're doing (which is playing real person checkers, in which you get to be a king and hop over people) and just think you're trying to help them get to know people.

5. then there's always the old "omg i need to get another drink/bathroom/cellphone/scratch my head/change my contacts/wrap a present/lock my keys in my car/find my purse/open a box/close a box/change a lightbulb/buy a new toothbrush/feed a fish"
which then gives you an opportunity to slip away - act like you're embarking on a task - but really strike up conversation with someone more interesting, or at least give you alone time.
it's similar to the self-important british elopement method, except you have no mystery and generally sound retarded.

6. of course you could always just walk away.

7. or be unpleasant.

those are really all the ideas i have.

everythings guns

2010-04-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

everythings guns
sticks are guns
knives
little tiny balloons
bread pudding is guns
dropping ice from a scoop into a cup is guns
everythings guns

the world is full of guns
bang bang
life is made of guns
tiny little guns
big fat guns
many many guns
big poppa guns
lady guns
itty bitty baby guns

a banana can be guns
a shoe
a fork
a laptop
a cellphone
a favorite gun is a piece of bread
anything is guns
everythings guns

pick up an item and give it a try:
pow pow pow
ptew ptew ptew
pop pop pop
so many guns
so.... so many
guns is all around us

i use my finger as a gun sometimes
thats a classic
flowers make a good one
a huge package of provolone cheese makes a good bazooka
a broomstick is a good choice too

there are some guns that are real guns
they are also guns
every living breathing thing is a guns

guns is what makes us breathe
guns is what makes us not breathe
here's a list of things which cannot be guns:
nothing.
everythings guns

Walking Poems: Poems Which Are Written While Walking

2010-02-24T15:48:00.000-08:00

It's been a bit since I've posted some of my own stuff, though, super promise, I've been more poetically active now than I ever have been in my whole life. My whole life hasn't been that long though...by the way.

I've been busy with the The Sexy Poets Society readings and blogs, and have been writing a lot of stuff for that. But I decided I might as well post some shit up for the feeling of permanence and completion. And because, well, I think they're neat.

Since most of my poems that I've come to really love have been formed as I've been walking (which is interesting as well, since I can't really write and walk at the same time - have tried. so "forming" them as I walk is a little more accurate, in case you're the kind of douche-bag who really cares about that. end parenthetical statement now.) around town, or up to the university, or to the coffee shop, or to work, or to take a piss on the street outside my house, I've come to cherish them more, and enjoyed looking at the poems as artifacts of my day to day interactions. I can look back at them and remember whatever instance I was referring to in the poem, which more often than not is a rather small and insignificant instance.

Here's two recent walking poems that I read at the last SPS reading (I actually read four, but I only feel like typing up two), posted here for your reading and giggling pleasure. I like these two because the first selection is SUCH a walking poem, like it's screaming "DUH I'M OUT FOR A MOTHAFUCKIN' STROLL", and the second one doesn't seem to reveal it's creation platform whatsoever.

Walking Poem #1
It's winter, but it's not really winter
I think
looking at the brown grass poking above the thin snow
at Riverside
but what I'm really thinking about is how
the grass looks like my legs this time of year
which only happens in winter
because I'm ashamed or something
I tiptoe down the ice and think of
something cool to say
The tryptych on the tips of their lips
crisply whispers a cryptic kiss
but I'm really thinking about
the old man coming out of the
old city hall carrying a wicker
basket
I'd like to say he's hobbling on the cobblestones
but really he's walking
Cool picnic basket, bro. I think, literally.
I stop walking on the bridge
and pull out my notebook to write this down
And that's where we're at now.

While writing this I received
2 phone calls:
1 from my mom which I ignored
1 from Brett Cimbalik which went straight to voicemail
for some reason
but I called him back
and then finished writing this poem

Walking Poem #2: Written on Sticky Notes Which is a Bad Idea
Do you really think you can
hold me accountable when
I don't know what the
I don't know what the
I don't know what the
I don't know what the
I don't know what the
FUCK I'm doing?
this android lieutenant
would like to be briefed on our mission, sir.
Mostly classified, lieutenant.
But sir, my lack of knowledge may compromise the mission!
I said MOSTLY classified lieutenant. Have a seat.
How familiar are you with the star system
Clapametheus?
Why, only in legend, bedtime stories, sir.
Well all I can tell you is that this ship
will be landing on the mother planet, Grugathon,
in the star system Clapametheus in 2 nanolightseconds.
Egads! Pardon me, but that sounds out right fantastical!
Fantastic doesn't even cut it, Lieutenant.
We'll be seeing sights that would stop the hearts
of most 4, 6 & 8 chambered beings.
Sights that android, para-android,
mammal & Flagrant Beasties
can't even imagine. But more
than the glittering fields or the purple skylines
or segmented crystal waterfalls -
in the star system Clapametheus lies our
last hope.
It's the last frontier, Lieutenant. (sigh)
In Clapametheus, the children of Abraham make
their final resting place. Oh, but
unfortunately 2 nanolightseconds is long since over
and I'll have to power you off for the descent,
Lieutenant.
But, but, power me off?
When will I be turned on again?
I too must see Clapametheus!
Sometime, Lieutenant, sometime.

And all became black.
I'm lost and unsure who this
disembodied voice narrating is.
Am I alive still?
Will I ever open my metal eyes and input the last hope?
Will I ever walk the shores of Clapametheus?
I am the loneliest android.

Thoughts during "On A Highway" by Animal Collective

2009-11-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

4 minutes and 36 second will have gone by by the time this is finished.
First the oceand little bumps skirt around with no idea for life and the circumstances that are not really all that forboding when you think about it right..heyyy anyone want a pencil?
You are the scariest little piece of hometown magic I've ever touched.
Copenhagen? Nah, I seriously doubt it.
How did they find you? Did they see you on the mountain when you were flagging down what was left of the country? Flying by inside a periscope?
Sometimes sentences are too long.
Some sentences are too short.
Most sentences are manifested in some way.
Thats a relatively safe assertion.

Silence for a little while. Maybe because I'm really excited about what the song is doing right now and lots of little voices tittling around for awhile. Jumbling around and I wonder if I should fix typos.
Not because they're such a linguistic fascination, but because I feel its sort of insincere to the exercise.
God I wish i was in a different country now. I wish I was in a small village and I had a garden.
I would sell vegetables from this garden on the side of the road.
And I would make scarves. I would make scarves from the wool from the sheeps from the neighbors that live a mile down the road from me and my garden.
And maybe my husband could work in the town, or maybe he could work at home. But we could go on walks in the dark at night and splash in the river.

And now, a word from our sponsors:

2009-11-08T05:54:00.000-08:00

It's official: The UK loves Shapes most of all. I get at least 200 hits a day from people googling Shapes from the UK.

I don't deserve to be awake right now. I'm tired, I drank a lot, my tummy wants food, and I can't sleep.
But all I have is cheesecake right now.
It's like I keep accidentally spoiling myself rotten, and I'm not particularly pleased with it, but if it were any other way I'd feel like I was missing out.

Is this what being in your 20s is all about?

A little snippet of Kenneth 'cause this is my mood right now:

from "To My Twenties"
Kenneth do you have a minute?
And I say yes! I am in my twenties!
I have plenty of time! In you I marry,
In you I first go to France; I make my best friends
In you, and a few enemies. I
Write a lot and am living all the time
And thinking about living. I loved to frequent you
After my teens and before my thirties.
You three together in a bar
I always preferred you because you were midmost
Most lustrous apparently strongest
Although now that I look back on you
What part have you played?

My roommate just said "Congratuacheesecake." I suppose I deserve that.

After my roommate said that, and I typed that, I started watching light reflecting off of my hair in the glare of my laptop.
I don't like looking at exclamation points when I'm tired and hungover.
Such as like, this pains me:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is what I say when I see that:
"OMG STOP JUMPING ON THAT DAMN TRAMPOLINE AND SCREAMING ABOUT SEX YOU DAMN KIDS."
but really? There's no trampoline - there's just lines and dots, okay? Lines and dots. Chew that one up and digest it. MFin' lines and dots.

Maybe I need to start knowing more intrepid young adventurers.

To fill you in on what just happened: I wrote the above sentence, looked at it disgruntled, and then wandered into the kitchen and ate a leftover half-piece of cheesecake. Matt and I know what we're doing with that cheesecake. Congratuacheesecake, everyone.
So I ate that, then I watched this girl wandering around outside of our neighboring apartment builiding. The building is about 20 feet away from our kitchen window so too many private experiences are shared. But she was wandering around with her white comforter over her head and obviously unsure of what she should be doing with it. Get your shit together, I said to her through the window. What are you doing with it? You're wandering back and forth. You're a mess, and EVERYONE is watching you. Everybody knows that you're just wandering around with a fluffy comforter over your head, probably hung-0ver. I wasn't sure if she was going to go picnic and lie down on it,or if she was throwing it in the dumpster. Eventually she flung it over what's left of an old laundry line, clumsily and sadly. Then she kept peeking under it, maybe to check for tiny monsters.
Gretchen: "Oh! she must be German."
Theresa: "Because she needs to figure her shit out?"
Gretchen: "No, Germans air out their comforters a lot."
See, I guess that makes sense.
I'm just crotchety and over-stimulated. If I can't handle someone airing out their comforter, I don't think I could handle intrepid young adventurers. At least not yet.

Queueueueueueueueueueueueueue - interesting point, eh?

Janet, who I'm talking with over the World Wide Web, just said this:
mmmm No, but I don't live with any Brits so our food is generally "international". Do steer clear of the Kipper though. Beware the Kipper! Oh it is soo not worth it. gag.

I believe she might be right.

It's amazing how many things I can do within one blog post:
-Berate neighbors
-Eat cheesecake
-Bitch about exclamation points
-Bitch about British cuisine
-Talk to a friend in another country
-Talk to two roommates
-Take headache medicine
-Half-heartedly wash a few dishes
-Read Kenneth Koch
-Feel hungry

Well I'd say this about wraps up this episode of "The Ornery Ponderings of HangOverVille: Theresa Blogs Instead of Sleeps." I've had a wonderful time, and I hope you have too. See you next week!

Preliminary Reports Suggest Results to be Lamer Than Facebook Projected

2009-10-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

It's not that I don't think about my poems, its just that I'll lose my nerve if I don't have a five minute turn around from inspiration to creation. The difference between thinking and thinking hard is propaganda. NAZI propaganda - the only kind there is.

Well I don't know about you but I'd rather end this conversation midsentence. before I make any tumbling errors in brevity or start talking about nature or some shit like a big faker whose words don't flow as quick as they could so instead they
stop and quiver before writing their words and shake out a few more syllables from their pen and hope that no one has noticed
what A BIG FAKER they are but it's ok.
It's hard to put this stuff together sometimes so relax. baby there are other scraps
to chew on and more morsels to remember at just the right moment before you finally drop your hands
and lean in for the most memorable kiss of your life.
Trust me. We'll remind you. about it.
Couldn't forget if we tried like a bunch of assholes sitting around waiting for the biggest chili cook-off ever to get going. No No Stevenson, the hot chilis go over there. God what an asshole.
Maybe we should just go sneak off for a quick cuddle.

The fall is so lovely this time of year.
I got a 10$ traffic ticket from the city of Ypsilanti. I wrote 1/3 of a poem on the envelope they gave me. Should I mail it in that way? It's like fighting the man, but in a really lame way.

Here's a list of things that I'm not doing right now:
-Sitting inside of an infrared sauna
-Listening to Kurt Cobain talk
-Pretending I'm from the Middle Ages
-Eating noodles
-Licking a dictionary
-Wearing an orange bandanna
-Fighting big time crime in a little city
-Writing a poem on the back of a parking ticket
-Sweating

Can you guess what I'm doing right now??

Remembering to Make Out and Other Stories

2009-10-11T13:16:00.001-07:00

Meh. It's been awhile. I haven't felt like writing poetry (or shitting it out, or whatever I do). All I feel like doing is reading about nature and farming and how to stop buying things.
Which is pretty rad I guess.
Bad for blogging.
Right now I'm sitting at work, with a dirty plate next to me that used to have homemade pizza on it (my mommy made it) and also a water bottle which I'd say is only 1/8th full of water right now.

Between what I just wrote and writing this, I finished my water, turned down the music (it got randomly loud and I can't stand that), then talked with Ian about why my blog keeps getting so many hits. But just about shapes, and I only get tons of hits in random spurts from particular countrys (currently, it's the UK who is interested in shapes.)
Turns out, though, I am the first Google image result if you search "Shapes". I'm pretty proud of myself.

Here is a little ditty I just came up with:

Spiders spider Why do you spider Are you a spider? Magic potion, evil lotion crazy finessing carpal tunnel don't forget the pudding package.

Here's a bunch of written noises you can say outside to yourself - but only if you'd like.

SCHHHHHHHHH
PLONK (a personal favorite)
SPPPONNNNNNGGGG
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRLLLLLL
KRRRR
OPRRRRR
TAJATAJATAJATAJATAJA
BLOOPBOOP
GORPY GORPYGORPYGORRRR
PANDA

Interestingly enough that last noise is also a word. That word looks like this: Panda.

Here's a picture of a Panda:

Most, but not all, pandas are black and white.

Are pandas are a part of your life? Try to take some time out of your day, every day, for pandas. It's easy if you can make it into a routine! One easy way to remember to think of pandas is every time you go to the bathroom, sit there quietly, and ponder pandas and their mysteries. That way you can do what you need to do, and incorporate pandas. Soon enough you and pandas will be closer than you have ever imagined you could be!

Worked for me.

I'm intrigued by the idea of another piece of pizza.

(thanks one way or another

2009-08-31T07:04:00.001-07:00

A sentence enclosed by only an opening parentheses denotes a secret which was not kept.

Babel poetry has really been doing it for me lately. Check out Marshall's blog for more info on his invention.

The following poem doesn't strictly adhere to the tenants of Babel poetry originally laid down by its founder, but like I said, its been almost three years. Also, way to go Google Translator - I had to switch to Yahoo! Babel Fish because Google Translator was too good and wasn't providing enough hilarity. Thanks Yahoo for still suckin'.

(thanks one way or another

Be visible with realness, with realness good ironical this accurately, all ppl where there is a result which is identical

Appear real, really good ironic this it is precisely

Your watching genuine area, genuine area good

You look truly, good satirizes this is correctly truly
YOU look at the effective good, truly ironic
Too badly pulls it, I didn' t knows that! Your eye constitution is very pretty!

It is thick the mark badly pulls it, I didn' t intellectual road that! Your Mark the eye eyeball constructs forming right very pretty mark!

Leaving medical raw harmony
Possession side effect right homology. Your Righteousness is true.
This Resident in one direction right one type elephant acutane.
Your eye make-up is pure beautiful!
I purely helped me.
I purely is escape yet respectively, means that work will break you as ever with, a but on the front of opposition, purely there is different his thing!

your oogmake-up is so pretty!

I scrutinize for 3 cycles
All side effects are the same. You are correct.
That which writes in the knob where he [sopreden] persona it is important:

Drinks permits juicily!! The hydration is the main key!!
Drinks permits Multi waters!! Right principal key spoon for water joint work!!
PARTS OF DRINKS OF WATER!! The hydration is the main key!!
Part!! of scandal beverage Receiving is an important key!!
Part!! the beverage of scandal to obtain important key!!
MANY THE DRINKS WATER! ! The hydratie is the most important key!

1. So u has or has does the skin, and the ur sisters have or have the greasy skin, and u has the golden hair and ur sis has the strange brown hair, still completely extremely resembled u the girl (has not likely greasy either does skin to make one look like different or anything),

2. So The u possession or possession dried characteristic skin skin, and the ur elder sister younger sister possession or possession oil greasy the mark skin skin, and u possession gold sends harmony ur sis possession old mysterious the brown color hair, the still way complete extremely phase elephant u woman child (non- elephant possession oil greasy either dried characteristic skin skin use human watching happening coming different or east duty no west)

3. thus u it has or had the dry skin and ur the brother she has or she had the oily skin and u they have the blonds hair and ur the $sis she has brown hair strange and however the girls u globally similarly (no as the possession the oily or dry skin makes the persons appears different or nothing)

4. where There is a dry skin and or consequently is u and blonds heads and a brown head which is strange the sibling who is to UR she or she is a oily skin and to u them there are UR $sis her there is and the young girl u similar but world-wide, when (the possession makes the meteor dry skin person, is different, or, anything does not appear),

5. where the dry skin and/or or consequently u and the head of blonds and brown head which is strange offset which to UR it or it oily skin and to u they there UR of $sis it there and small girl u similar but possession makes with meteor persona of dry skin, friend, or, that -[nibyd] it does not appear), it world, when

6. thus you have or had dry the skin and ur with the sister or had the skin oily and fair its to have and ur has to you located the bizar brown its and yet completely similar umeisjes (if it to have or dryness of the oily skin makes different people look at or n' import what),

thanks in any event
regardless of how the impression, thanks
in any event thanks
thanks anyway
(thanks one way or another
in any case the thanks

Your Dream Car Away!

2009-08-25T06:47:00.000-07:00

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If you feel like this blog post needs explanation, feel free to ask me in the comment thread. Otherwise, let it touch your heart in whatever way seems right.

Skip to the End for Links to Pictures of Phallic Structures

2009-08-22T09:46:00.001-07:00

1. This coffee tastes so damn good. Like sinnamon. It's so good it's sinnnnful. Hm. Good joke.
2. I was in North Carolina all last week.
3. I woke up this morning and there was a mime directing foot traffic at the corner of Huron and Michigan.
4. This city becomes such a dumb and silly circus during the Heritage festival. For some reason I can't ever take Ypsi seriously.
5. And there's no parking on my street.
6. The coffee we had in North Carolina was pretty good, but nothing is topping this right now. Unless I had a cigarette. But I don't smoke anymore. Except for sometimes.
7. There's this car-crushing event going on in depot town. Donate a car, and then WATCH IT DIE! Stick around for the Young Children event.
8. I cleared out my overflowing Spam box without thinking today. What a disappointment - it was ripe for a poem. Now I'll have to wait for next week's harvest.
9. I bought little tiny baby red fruits from the co-op today. I got them because they were cute. They were also relatively inexpensive.
10. I haven't had a beer in a week. A beer sounds really delicious.
11. Between the last point and this point, I checked out a couple blogs, and sneezed twice. Before I write the next point, I'm going to get up and blow my nose.
12. Between the last point and this point, I blew my nose, as promised - but. I also greeted Marshall, asked him if he was sticking around for awhile, he said yes. But he also couldn't hear me the first time I asked. This keeps happening. Have I been talking quieter the past few days?
13. A mystery, for sure.
14. ...
15. I LISTENED TO THE KIDS ON STRIKE SHOW THIS MORNING. IT WAS COOL. THEY PLAYED A REALLY GREAT SONG ABOUT A GUY NOT WANTING TO GO TO WORK AND JUST WANTING TO PRACTICE HIS TRUMPET. KIND OF LIKE THAT DRUM SONG BUT INSTEAD IT WAS TRUMPETS.
16. Between that last point and this one, I asked Marshall why I got almost 800 hits on my blog last week, mostly from countries in Eastern Asia and the South Pacific.
17. Midway through typing up that last point and this one, we discussed starting an affirmative action program to have white people mug other white people who are thinking that a black person is about to mug them.
18. I'm almost out of coffee.
19. I got 336 hits on Tuesday alone.
20. And they all were from a Google image search (don't know the search term), that linked to my entry about shapes. Which I wrote in June.
21. Did that side of the world all of a sudden decide they were interested in Shapes?
22. I know I've always been interested in shapes.
23. I'M A PARAKEET I'M A PARAKEET PARA PARA PARA PARA PARAKEEEEEEEEEEE
24. Between that last point and this point I decided not to put the last "t" on parakeet.
25. t
26. I made up for it in number 25.
27. While I was in North Carolina, I climbed a mountain in order to stand atop a huge phallus.
28. "They" "call" "it" "Chimney Rock."
29. I would call it Cock Rock.
30. It weirded me out that the park didn't try and capitalize on this in some kitschy way. Even the already kitschy tourist shops didn't sell "Climb Atop Chimney Rock - Giggle Giggle Snort" t-shirts. I wondered if there was something wrong with me and I was like that kid in that one movie who saw penises everywhere. But then my boyfriend's mom agreed with me.
31. OH THANK GOD.
32. It didn't bother me that this thing existed and was a tourist attraction - it just bothered me that nobody was pointing at it in wonder and excitement. I live in a town with a huge stone penis as a landmark, and trust me we're anything but classy about it. Why? Because it's a huge stone penis. That's why.
33. Phallus Shapes.
34. Reason for point 33: To continue cropping up in the search results for all the people in Australia, New Zealand and the Republic of Korea who are anxiously googling the word "shapes." And maybe get some porn-hungry people, too.

Watching People Watching People Pop Pimples

2009-08-11T16:54:00.001-07:00

try watching this high// omg holy shit
if that lady does not shut up
you know that shit is just disgusting!
use any kind of antibiotics in this case....don't eat chicken, burger
or any kinds of food with oil and choles..eat well (posively early) don't smoke.
You are right, Katy. Mostly Brits use the word spelt. I hate when people come on YouTube
and think they're the 'shit' and they don't know shit themself.
I love this :) Ahhhaaa i have a headache..
or Duac gel.
It's an antibiotic and acidic gel
prognathous peter piper prudently picked a poorly prepared putrid pack
of pukey poison pickled peppered puss packed pimples
ha i got i pete piper picked a pack of pikeled peppers peter piper picked
thats what the lady is saying listen carefully
i use clearisil and it works great

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa h holy shit discusting bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh bleh bleh bleh
what's the name of the song?
ant that a kick in the head
are those mentos
this is sick
fuck take3 ashot gun!!!!!!!!!!1
it would be funny if his piense would be a pimple lol he would confuse the sperm
and acne hahahahahaha goosebumps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...
wtf lol
what happend at the end? did he pop his face or what? ?????

its a BOIL....they have medicine for that.
I remember when I got a pimple under my armpit. Hurt like a motherfucker. Until
I grabbed and twisted the thing until it exploded. It felt so good after that.
i had the same thing THIS CRAP HURTS LIKE HELL
OMFG. YOUR ARM JUST TOOK A SHIT
idk but wtf why'd he smell it?? lmao
ah ouch it looks like that really hurts. how did you get it?
ouch!
how does this even fucking happened?
lol
wtf!! GROSS DUDE!!
u shuld get that shit checked out

LOL !!
is ja wie n siamesischer zwilling O_o
lol
omfg i fucken puked
Buy a new camera, tell Jody to get another Zit and make another movie
wtf! why am i watching this!!
get a better camera
so thats were dolly partons boob went.
Kids say hello to your new baby
haha...lol! :)

i don't think that is a pimple looks like a boil
oh, im british and i'm a little cunt
hahaha
NO U
fat ass soft cocks
Oh wow, this man is a big baby, I've seen kids with bigger "owies" act more like
men, for God's sake.
it's not done. if it still hurts that much then it's still full o' stuff!
hardee-har -har!!
doo-da-doo-da, camp town lady sings this song doo-da-doo-da haa haa whats all that do de dar gr?? Looks like what the swedish chef would say (remember Jim Henson's Muppets?)
what are you talking about?

A Smattering of Short Poems

2009-08-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

Monkey on Crack

i put my 16 inch up that monkeys ass
that y he is making those faces
that was so wrong
wish it was longer
i expected to see a monkey on crack
that was so gay
it' s funny
HAHA HIS MOUTH
Oh man, this classic...
sujay
lol

Funny Hamsters

padrig harontin hamster style
lolz!!!!
i love the part where the hamster were eating and
when one hamster was giving flowers lolz
I used to have hamster but they all die and they don't last long
The second to last pic was a guinea pig, from the old blockbuster commercials...:/
Cute otherwise
...?
that was interesting.......i guess......
shreck sucks
I miss the Blockbuster Bunny and Guinea Pig :(
coool

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I Have a Dream

I have a dream !
respect :D
from an asian
hey...you don't know whats the real meaning of that speech!!! he wants EQUAL
treatment between black American and white American..
i was kidding what retard thinks that african americans came from kanada illegally
as immogrants that just retarded. i was makin fun of retarded racists who know shit :)
ignorant...
lmao
why are you al so rascist u shitheads i hate all u gay rascisct raggots im proud
ofbeing black alluwhite hatrs go back to ur fuckin gay hovels!
...wowfan199...what you saying makes no sense, you accusing white of racist
but you a homophobic...keep it real...hate is hate!
i got shivers from this speech...simply amazing

Monastery Mustard

if you have nothing nice to say, dont say it because it will hurt they're feelings
Awesome way to help serve others and for people to make a donation to a good cause.
Check your attitudes at the door and listen to what they were trying to do!
God loves all his children
Vol - God loves you too :)
I like atheist mustard just as much as relious mustard. That's cause mustard
is mustard. Same goes for people...unless some idiot starts to talk out loud about
their religion to me. Keep it to yourself please, but pass me the mustard. =)
You're right see you on the other side ---wait, I won't because you'll be burning in hell.
Sure you want to take that chance?
Before you start bashing a religion take a moment to learn about it.

Someday

nickelback always has dramatic videos
This song is so legendary!!
I want to make love to it!
The video is also so fucking awesome!!!
May absolut favorit song :D Nickelback are the greatest!
omfg, beautiful video, beautiful song, soo sad :(
cool
Ok..The owner of WMG caa go fuck himself at night he's dumb!
WMG claimed enoguh shit, That's why WMG's YouTube profile is all
gone they only have hte friedns and subscribers and subscriptions and on videos
they used ot haave videos and no they don't thats hwy WMG is
claiming videos now!
A LOT OF VIDEOS!
eu amo ele
Linda a musica!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
luv it
i love dis song!!!!!!!!!!

Pus Cyst on Back Popped Squeezed Exploded

Please keep us updated on how he's doing. I hope it won't come back!
OMG WTF vomit. sooo disgusting.
WTF thatsa disgusting LOL
what is a cyst exactly?
thats his fat
Kind of looked like what an union ring looks inside.
I'm never eating union rings again.
Great video! Good job draining cyst...doctor couldn't have done better
Spaghetti anyone?
WOW
nasty and fascinating!
Completely agree with u!

ESPN College Football

2009-08-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

I think: Today is bite-sized. no no no. You're bite-sized.
NO. Seriously.

1. I did Tae Bo in my living room today. My roommate watched me for a bit. The house across from ours had their curtain open a bit. I wondered if they were watching me too. Then I wondered if I had the opportunity to watch myself do Tae Bo if I would take it.

2. There's this kid sitting on the couch (he's itching his scalp right now.) I know him because he's an old friend of mine's little brother (bro) - but I don't think he knows me. His brother and him look pretty much the same, which always pissed off my friend because his brother is gay. My friend was a bit of a homophobe. Probably still is. I haven't seen him in years.

3. I think I pinched a nerve in my neck. Any headward rightwise movement hurts. I'm sitting exceptionally still right now. At least neck-up. My fingers are moving. My legs are crossed under the table.

4. But anyway, so this gay-brother of my friend is probably a really nice kid, but I've never liked him. I was reading an EMU publication once and recognized this kid's name. The publication had printed about five his poems, and was screaming "Oh my god. We love this guy." I thought that was neat, but thought his poetry was boring and stupid. Not stupid. Mostly boring.

5. I made chocolate covered strawberries for my roommates today. I dipped the strawberries in chocolate and rum, and then I dipped them again.

6. So, I thought to myself "hey, if this hack can get into this publication, I bet you anything my poetry could get into it." I submitted a few of my poems. Absolutely none of them got in.

7. My best friend's future husband's sister is sitting at the table in front of me. She's talking with people I don't know. She turned around earlier to tell me that I'm the most ridiculous person she's ever met. I wasn't sure how to respond because it's 5 pm, and I'm on my first cup of coffee. Not to sound like an addict, but I am.

8. Marshall told me it was probably better that I didn't get into the EMU publication. Means I'm more interesting or something. I like to agree with that, and think "oh, my poetry is just too new and controversial." But it's always hanging over my head that maybe my poetry is just boring and stupid.

9. That would mean that my post-friend's gay brother was right all along. He's still scratching his scalp, by the way.

10. Looks like he's working on a poem right now, too. I keep staring at him. I'm so sorry. You seem like a really decent guy - but this is all your fault.

11. As of yesterday, I want to perform stand-up comedy routine's in art galleries. But first I have to figure out stand-up comedy. Then I have to sell it to the curators like I'm doing something besides just stand-up comedy. Unless they're awesome. Then they won't care.

12. Shit. He just looked at me. Maybe he knows.

13. Have you ever wondered if anyone has ever written a whole blog entry about you?

14. This is thought 14.

15. This is thought 14.

16. This is thought 14.

17. My coffee wasn't very hot when I got it. Kinda like it that way.

18. I walked past the new-ish pizza place that nobody is going to (their fault. they're a very, very boring pizza place. or so it seems. i've never gone there.) This little girl was sitting on a barrier in the parking lot. She sat with her legs up like a spider and glared at me.

19. I wanted to buy a syringe from Meijer today. It was to pump up the strawberries with rum.

20. I couldn't find any, so I made a sales associate nervous in front of her manager, who then fielded the question of if they had any syringes.

21. Turns out they didn't have any. Instead I bought this huuuuge meat-marinade-inserter which, to make a boring story short, didn't work.

22. He asked me calmly if it was for medical use.

23. I told him no. It was for boozing strawberries.

24. It's interesting to me that I said "sales associate." I laid in bed the other morning thinking about how much that term pisses me off. Or more so that that term has to exist.

25. Call them your damn employees, or staff, and treat them well. Cut out the damn lip service of calling them "associates." fuck you meijer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

26.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

27. For the first string of exclmation points, I pressed the key each time - making staccato exclamation points. The second string, I just held the key down. You probably can't tell the difference, but if you can, feel free to let me know in the comment thread. BELOW.

Common Misconceptions About Things Which Don't Matter

2009-08-03T10:17:00.000-07:00

And my mom's gonna kill me because I'm using deodorant with aluminuminnit

and there has to be a way of figuring this out

Hello this is the _________ this is ________ speaking.

Underline blank spacey things are pronounced like this:

“KKAHHHCHAAAHKAHAHHACHAHAAA”

and that is pronounced like static

Don't predictive text me, asshole, like you can ever guess what I'm gonna write next

I'm a renegade

Renegade

I'm a KKKAHHHHCHAAAKHHAKAHCHHAAAA

in the beginning was the word was the word was the word was the word

and the word was with God God God God God God GodGodGodGodGodGod

and the word was _________________

and we're shaking as we're doing this

and the word was God

in the beigning was the word wasnd thword was god

In the beginning was the Word

the Word

the bird is the word

the word is the bird and the word was god and god made the birds with the wordy birdy bird bird

He was in the beginning with God

All things were made with him and without him nothing was made nothing was made nothing was made nothing mawasamdwhatodntongit was made

and my mom is gonna KILL me

I'm using DEODORANT

and it has ALUMINUMinnit

I'm shaking

Oh my Word I'm shaking

Oh my God I'm shaking

(What an obvious connection)

(Did you notice how I said “oh my word” then I said “oh my God”)

(I did that to highlight the Bible passages I just quoted, because they talk about god and words and like how they're the same and stuff)

paragraph BREAK

nothing was made

that has been made

not even lemonade was made

and that's a promise but I'm scared of that promise

and I'm trembling in my boots

in him was lfie and the lfie was tehlight of men.

Because that's something that makes sense. Get it?

Nothing was made til the light of men was lifed.

Til was the men of nothing light was lifed made.

the ligh of men.

KAHHAHCHCAAHHKKK

and if you life fish and grits and all that pimp shit

everybody let me hear you say Oh yay-er

KKKAHAHAHHKKKKAHCAAA

Where my ladies at?

What

Where my ladies at?

What

Throw yo hands up

KAKKKKKKK

Common Misconceptions About Things Which Don't Matter

Lightbulbs – come on down!
Thinking things about stuff
Dishwasher Detergent – Try a free sample, today!
Very large rodents and their mannerisms
The Female Sex: Where Do They Keep It?
Just how angry are you?
Airborne diseases
_____________________________________

CHHHHH

The light shines in the darkness

and the darkness has not overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it overcome it

but when it does

we be all like _______________________

Damn predictive text predicting my shit. It can predict the word “predict” now. My words are making themselves. I'm just the great typer and you can go make yourself and stuff and I'll just sit back and push things

KKAAHHHCHAHAKAHHAHAHCHAKAHAAAA

but if the darkness over comes it...we'll be here.

we're walking pooping artifacts that this is as real as it gets

...arti-cats

Collection of Things I've Said Today (Not Exhaustive)

2009-07-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

Feel free to let me know in the comment thread if you've ever said any of these before.

1. Hey there. What can I do for you?

2. Would you like a big one or a little one?

3. I thought you were working Tuesday.

4. I haven't had to do anything today that caused me pain.

5. Mocha for Erica. Erica. Mocha.

6. Do you live around here?

7. I would try Salvation Army.

8. When I come back you better be ready to put in your order, otherwise you'll keeping doing badly in your job interview.

9. Oh, really?

10. I don't think anyone has noticed.

11. They'd be all like, hooray, we've finally penetrated the Muslim community.

12. Does that taste okay?

13. Oh, ok.

14. No, she was just a crazy person. A lune.

15. Hellooooo Kevin!

16. Whenever I lose my voice, I try to talk as much as possible.

17. It makes talking an adventure.

18. I was going to make a pie for his party anyway, so that could work out rather perfectly.

19. So uh give me a call and we can figure out a time.

20. Yesssssss.

21. Refill?

22. Your total will be $6.68 Jason Bennett.

23. And if you could just sign this copy for me.

24. How much are you gonna expand?

25. Do you have time to wait - I have to brew another pot.

26. But I know if I say like "hey it's too cold in here, turn down the AC" they'll change it, and I'll be all like "hey hey it's too hot in here." So I usually just wear a sweatshirt.

27. Hey, hows it going?

28. That shouldn't be a problem um I just need to talk to the employee who is working tomorrow. How many people will you have? Ok, 6-8 people is great.

29. Whooosh

(NOTE: The last one was posted on a gmail conversation. The rest were spoken word.)

Second to Last Day of Printing. They're, like, Haikus.

2009-07-23T05:59:00.000-07:00

Perceived punchlines are in bold to aid in comprehending hilarity.

Ah, Yes. The open road. Nothing quite like it.
The fresh air. The rolling hills.
I do wish there were a healthier selection of restaurants along the way.
A-ha! I think I smell a business opportunity.
That's not opportunity, Dad. We're passing a cattle farm.

GYM
Try our boot camp classes
I WAS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED!

I worry about Sakura playing in the waves. What if she encounters a shark?
Oh, I'm sure we can find a marine biologist who can stitch it back up.
Grrrrr.

Who is our sponsor?
Me. I don't enjoy fundraising.
Alfie's dad said his company could sponsor us.
That's the other reason.
Money is Money.
Some money is more expensive than other money
Alfie's dad wants to know if you got Alfie that pro contract yet.

So...we begin another day of unending summer fun!
You have prepared some fun green popsicles, and I have chosen a fine fun rerun of "F-Troop" for our television viewing pleasure!
Let the fun begin!
Uh-oh.
Cables out!
...at least we have fun popsicles.
I made 'em with string bean juice!

HEY! I SMELL RIBS!
YEAH! WITH BARBECUE SAUCE AND POTATO SALAD!
DRAT! IT'S JUST GRIMES' SHIRT.
?

"Your problems are caused by all-or-nothing thinking. It's either that, or you don't have any problems."

Congratulations!
We have reviewed your manuscript and wish to publish your incredible tale of survival...

Hi.
I'm your neighbor from two doors down.
Hi. I'm Sarah Bucket.
I'm Scott.
Nice to meet you.
Um...is this your tree?

Mwa Ha Ha Ha! Fools! The identity of the one who stole your precious plank of wood is at long last revealed!
Behold...
IT IS I!!
You know this guy?
No clue. You don't know him?

Harry, A Bar in Spain is Attracting customers by encouraging them to insult the Bartender.
the best insults Gets you a Free Drink and some tapas.
You know what would be More Fun?
If the customers PAID to be insulted...didn't you try that.
People stayed away in Droves.
It'll catch on eventually.

Ugh. You again.
THE PROBLEM WITH A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS.

"Marm! Stop begging!"

*meow
*meow
HI!
Never you mind whose ringtone this is!

ok...so what would Capt. Eddie do?
Think about it
oh...yeah...
ok...ready? One...Two...Three!
BELCH
P-Tooie
Woo-Hoo!
With the exception of gravity, that worked great.
Well, I didn't say it was a perfect plan

What are ya doin', Brutus?
I'm watching birds!
Nosy!

Why are erasers pink? It's not very manly!
I've learned a lot from the general
What could you learn from him?
Z
Well, one thing...
...Age doesn't bring wisdom

This lady talks loud, has saggy cheeks, and is also a liar.

2009-07-12T09:04:00.002-07:00

1. Ow. My tummy hurts. Tummy tummy tummy.
2. I woke up today thinking the electric silence had settled onto my house because my alarm clock was blank and sad.
3. But my fan was going. So I was wrong.
4. Yesterday, I wrote this:

It has come to my immediate attention that the plumbing needs attention5. Then I wrote that over and over while not looking at the keyboard and not backspacing:
It has come to my immediate atetnion that th epllumbing needs atetnion
It has coemto timy immediate attention that tpulbming needs attention
Ithascome mto my immediate attention that the lpubming nedsattention
theithascometoimyimmediateattentionthattheplumbing needsattention
ithascometomymiimdeateattentionthatthepuumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingnedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmignneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsantetion
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyaatentionthatplubmingneedsatetion
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmginenedsattetnion
ithascaometomytattentionthatptheplubmingneedsattentio
ithascometomyattetionthatieplubminganeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyiemdatteiattentionthattheplubmignneesdsatatemiattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthathteplubmingneedsattetniont
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtelubimigneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatptheplbumingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediatemeiahtethaplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomymmediateattenitonthatplubmingneedsatetention
ithascometomyimmeidateattentionthathtpelubmingneedssatimatentig
theimahsidotkathwothathteplumbingneedsatteniton
tihasscometimyomatimmedateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
itahscometomyimmediateattenionthtathplubmingneedsattention
ithascomeitmyimeedateattentiontahtitplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmedaiteattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthatplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattenitionthatolumibngineedsattention
ithascometomyimddeiateattenitonthaplubmingneedsattateion
ithascometomimmediateatteniton
thathteplubmignitindmithascoetomyimmediateattentionthatplumbingeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsatteiton
ithascometomyimmediatattentionthatplubmignnedsattention
ithascometomyimdediatattentiotnathplubmignedsattention
ithascotmomyimmediateatttnionthatplubmignneedsatttion

6. Then I wrote it while reading a story that Ian was telling me about a gorilla.
it has domet o my atteniont ahtplubming needs atteniton
ita hscme to my attention that plubming needsa tention
it has come to my attention that plubmig the neesatt
ehit has come to my attention tkathe atptne
ithas hoemt o m aytentioned atn dpthe plubming needs atettnion
it has coem to my adtowktj the daily plumbing tneeds attehos
it hascometo my attention that eplbi the bplugming wheedsa tento
it ha scome to wideht so abne the plumbing eenedsa toethat
ithwieofkan theti attnetptlwiethw
ehtowkd ahte moce to my wotkat dawg tjwotea pwitjw thbplumginb the needsa toet wha
ttnetiwht plubmginb with tahto ia tettenio the plbuing needsa ttention
athi htas hdc obhaveoc ome to my tattneto that ehplbumignb needs attentino
it has come tow pdumb sod steowk datthet plubming needsa ttention
ait has come ot my ashtwot abeve thatplumbing needsa
tit has come to my imdattention the plbujthe pgng enedsa ttention
hwat it has that oev ave thou have tppanthteplubming thneddsa ttention
ahve ttoajw ehyouave atteniton hte pblugminb have tyou aveeeht ave toh atent
have tha tevoekt alt wohvat ehok jt ewoa thave tho k
have tyou dahs to cme to attention taot wpl ave the ogorialla
the fot aks fow ekf attento n
the tha plubming neds attention
the pbus fowme woek the oald vevjw oa t
avofkw iat hav socomeing tow ding wo th may s ttent aow kdf eowkt ha eoe t
hat ekow dmt how tplutig bint he
aotkw dfow daks thwow
the gokf wlsob iwthe createure
ahtoef eiruthw dlfow
thathi hate has ocme to my attetnotiw the lade
thate dolave thao you that
thefoa veht oaieht plamgltit lia htate whave frealyy about athe pboreaa ble the howle
the nd

7. Points of Interest: the word "ogorialla" 13 lines up from the bottom.
8. I had a dream last night that I was wearing a really great skirt, but with my underpants down around my ankles. People would say "Hey, great skirt. Weird...underpants."
9. I woke up and sifted through my pile of clothes that's graces the threshold to my closet, and got embarrassed thinking about how I wore my underpants around my ankles the day before.
10. I was ashamed.
11. Later I remembered it was a dream.
12. Yesterday I had a lot of really interesting thoughts.
13. Today is looking okay too.
14. But not, like, GREAT.
15. These people are doing a crossword puzzle. Apparently it's hard today. Apparently its always harder on Sundays. Apparently they always gets together on Sundays to do the crossword puzzle.
16. "Sumpter" was one of the answers to their puzzle
17. I'm wearing a tick-tock click-clock. Ticktock ClickClock TickClock TockClick ClockTick
18. TickleCock
19. It's never too late to start planning for the future.
20. So why start now?
21. A Hand Grenade Sand Parade!

SHAPES: The Epitome of Empowerment

2009-06-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'd like to dedicate this journal entry to Shapes.
They are all around us.
They move the world around us.
They ARE the world around us.

Say hello to...

My immediate favorite is the parallelogram, but I could be persuaded otherwise.

WHY SHAPES?
An excellent question. The answer to it is below.

The function of Shapes is to house color. Just like how white picket fences house gardens, and gardens house houses, and houses house you - Shapes were created and are maintained for one single purpose: giving color a place in our universe.

THE HISTORY OF SHAPES
Before Shapes were invented (archaeologists call this the "Pre-Shape Era," heretofore abbreviated "P.S.E.") , Colors were forced to scatter throughout the world. Chaos was Color's only master, and Wreckless Abandon its only describing adjective.

The picture above is a Scientist's rendering of the world during the P.S.E.

What a stupid and ugly mess it was.

Fortunately, in 1756 a group of inspired young Venetians formed The Diplomatic and Creative Aesthetic Committee of the World and Other Places. T.D.C.A.C.W.O.P. was lead by the then unrecognized genius, though now formally acknowledged, Alexander Graham Bell.

They sequestered themselves inside of a shapeless-room and came up with the solution to the chaotic shit-hole of Earth: SHAPES. With Shapes, the Earth could finally keep Color in tidy and neat portals, and we could organize, reorganize, and process Color.

It brought empowerment to the lower-classes, and stability to the floundering aristocracy.

IN WHAT HISTORICAL EVENTS HAVE SHAPES "LENT A HAND?"
Shapes have "lent many a hand." Here's just a handful of examples:
-The Fording of the Seine
-The American Silver War
-Numerous "Golf Pro and Tennis Ho" parties.
-The Chinese Cultural Revolution
-The Discovering of the Internet
-The Great Soup Drought of 2011

WHAT ARE SHAPES FAVORITE COLORS?
Tangerine.

WHAT DO SHAPES HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
Not a whole lot, actually. Shapes are nearly autonomous structures that receive minimal government subisidies in the U.S.A., U.K. and many other E.U. countries. Countries in Africa, Asia, South America, and the many Countries inside of Canada have borrowed Shapes from World Banks in order to jump-start their own Shape-programs. The banks are luckily able to offer these loans at relatively low-interest rates.
Besides the minimal tax dollars that go toward maintaining Shapes, they can keep themselves fed and watered.

Below are photos of Shapes. Some of them may surprise you! But remember, Shapes are everywhere.
Open your mind to the possibility of Shapes.

I hope you've enjoyed looking and thinking about Shapes with me! I hope that the information was concise and educational. Luckily the internet makes access to this knowledge easy and affordable. Such as like, I was able to write this whole entry in less then 20 minutes. In times past, people would have to go to college to learn all this stuff.

Remember what the Girl Scouts of America taught us: A circle is round. It has no end. That's how long I want to be your friend.

Answers to Questions Nobody is Asking

2009-06-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

But maybe we should start asking these questions.

It's sort of like a dating service for lonely questions.

Q. Why are there guys "working" on an"electric box" on my street, and why is it taking them three weeks to do "it"? Are they government spies?
A. Absolutely not. Any high-quality shoe should work just fine.

Q. What's your favorite place to go out for burgers?
A. Open the garage, and it'll be to your left, right next to the bike.

Q. What's a good way to earn some extra cash during a recession?
A. The giraffe is the fastest land animal.

Q. Where can I buy a high quality Ethiopian Yirgacheffe?
A. The key is the universal key for the whole church, and the janitor probably has a copy.

Q. How is orange?
A. Very good.

Q. Where's the bathroom?
A. This town used to center around a large glass factory, which explains the high volume of sea glass to be found on the shore.

Q. What can I get you to drink?
A. I'm only in Berlin for a week, so thanks, but no thanks.

Q. What's your new novel about?
A. We have access to hundreds of mortgage loan packages: Commercial, Residential, Reverse mortgages, FHA, VA and up to 80% LTV hard earned money.

Q. Why are they stocking so many expensive wine imports?
A. Moccasins are actually very comfortable, and inexpensive to make!

Q. How are you doing?
A. Perfectly adequate, considering my health and current living situation.

barreling through e.e. cummings

2009-06-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

I give you my translation of e.e. cummings' legendary, and graceful,work "in just-". In the original he carefully considers the placement of letters, words, and sounds, and only uses the Upper Case twice.

To remedy that, I will employ my translation mechanism, which converts every single letter into an Upper Case letter.

Activate Translation Mechanism.
TRANSLATION MECHANISM ACTIVATED.


in Just- by E.E. CUMMINGS

IN JUST-
SPRING   WHEN THE WORLD IS MUD-
LUSCIOUS THE LITTLE
LAME BALLOONMAN

WHISTLES   FAR   AND WEE

AND EDDIEANDBILL COME
RUNNING FROM MARBLES AND
PIRACIES AND IT'S
SPRING

WHEN THE WORLD IS PUDDLE-WONDERFUL

THE QUEER
OLD BALLOONMAN WHISTLES
FAR   AND   WEE
AND BETTYANDISBEL COME DANCING

FROM HOP-SCOTCH AND JUMP-ROPE AND

IT'S
SPRING
AND
       THE

                   GOAT-FOOTED

BALLOONMAN    WHISTLES
FAR
AND
WEE

Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2 (spoken by Hamlet, to Rosencrantz). Typed with Caps Lock on.

2009-06-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

I WILL TELL YOU WHY; SO SHALL MY ANTICIPATION PREVENT
YOUR DISCOVERY, AND YOUR SECRECY TO THE KING AND
QUEEN MOULT NO FEATHER. I HAVE OF LATE - BUT WHEREFORE
I KNOW NOT - LOST ALL MY MIRTH, FORGONE ALL CUSTOM OF
EXERCISES; AND INDEED IT GOES SO HEAVILY WITH MY
DISPOSITION THAT THIS GOODLY FRAME, THE EARTH, SEEMS TO
ME A STERILE PROMONTORY, THIS MOST EXCELLENT CANOPY,
THE AIR, LOOK YOU, THIS BRAVE O'ERHANGING FIRMAMENT,
THIS MAJESTICAL ROOF FRETTED WITH GOLDEN FIRE, WHY,
IT APPEARS NO OTHER THING TO ME THAN A FOUL AND PESTILENT
CONGREGATION OF VAPORS. WHAT A PIECE OF WORK IS A MAN!
HOW NOBLE IN REASON, HOW INFINITE IN FACULTIES,
IN FORM AND MOVING HOW EXPRESS AND ADMIRABLE,
IN ACTION HOW LIKE AN ANGEL, IN APPREHENSION HOW LIKE
A GOD! THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD, THE PARAGON OF ANIMALS!
AND YET, TO ME, WHAT IS THIS QUINTESSENCE OF DUST? MAN
DELIGHTS NOT ME - NO, NOR WOMAN NEITHER, THOUGH BY
YOUR SMILING YOU SEEM TO SAY SO.

Act 1 Scene 1: O, She Doth Teach The Torches To Burn Bright (Spoken by Romeo). Typed with Caps Lock on.

2009-06-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

O, SHE DOTH TEACH THE TORCHES TO BURN BRIGHT!
IT SEEMS SHE HANGS UPON THE CHEEK OF NIGHT
LIKE A RICH JEWEL IN AN ETHIOPE'S EAR;
BEAUTY TO RICH FOR US, FOR EARTH TOO DEAR!
SO SHOWS A SNOWY DOVE TROOPING WITH CROWS,
AS YONDER LADY O'ER HER FELLOWS SHOWS.
THE MEASURE DONE, I'LL WATCH HER PLACE OF STAND.
AND, TOUCHING HERS, MAKE BLESSED MY RUDE HAND.
DID MY HEART LOVE TILL NOW? FORSWEAR IT, SIGHT!
FOR I NE'ER SAW TRUE BEAUTY TILL THIS NIGHT.

Guess Where I was Sitting

2009-06-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

Coffee Holy Shit Hot Not.
Twitching finger.
Duma key duma key dumdumdumduma Key.
Lite-Murmur. Diet tumor.
Hello. I got Cash Money.
Why not, Brazil? WHY THE HELL NOT.
Scrape.
Shuffle, pour...anticipating next noise.

The man is a gnome. The man looks like a gnome. But instead he's just a person.
Inaudible order. The gnome-man is being very quiet.
Literally suing.
Interesting observation? So many poems full of interesting observations.
Mrk Mynrd.
What a boring observation this is: basements are underground rooms.
Gnome-man has a friend who looks so wholesome.
Oh wait, they aren't friends.
Plankton. Puh-lank-ton.
Dear Diary, today I wish to have no use whatsoever.
Sniff.
You Anarchic Little Prick - stay on your side of the dream pool.
I guess gnome was a bitch.
.
I mean
I guess gnome was a bit harsh.
I just heard the most beautiful sound in the block. And it was a dog barking.
Like that one guy's poem was about who sucks and his poem sucks but it was about a dog barking along with Beethoven and I think maybe he didn't like that the dog was barking which isn't the reason why the poem sucks but is part of why he sucks
Japanese influenced clothing
Flu influenced clothing
Flu influenced flu
Another dumb observation: the past few sentences were influenced by the flu.

It's better to hide in the awning of the stupid then to boldly step forward and say that what you have done is clever
Thank you Confucius.
if Kanye West is the new Confucius, then the world is a good place.
Thank you dishwasher.
Your swishing is so beautiful.
Wait, no, that's the roaster.
Screw you dishwasher.
Click clack click clack
Arthur Miller - Timebends
TimeBends?
Timeb Ends?
Perhaps more of a statement: TIME BENDS
Thick.
Other good words (excluding Thick):
Start
Seven
Nominative
Lansing
Ethereal
You useless piece of loving kindness.

Cardinals.
Cardanals.
Forgot to take allergy medication. Poem ending.
Fin.

Clairvoyance?

2009-02-25T15:39:00.001-08:00

It's frustrating to hear the busy signal of a friend when you're trying to tell them great news.
It's weird to think that it's frustrating to hear a busy signal when they're almost entirely extinct at this point. We have voicemail now. Why am I frustrated to hear the busy signal of a friend? How less frequent it is than their voice! And most certainly of a ringing phone!
What a beautiful, beautiful, repetitious beep.
More like an irritating throb that never reaches a climax.
It just keeps going 'til I hang up, holding onto my great news for later. Stuck inside my mouth.
The busy signal is my friend at this point.
Buh Buh Buh to you too, mister.
Sorry to gender a noise.
I just drank steamed milk. It was delicious.
I feel really guilty for not enjoying a sound. Especially one that is so endangered.
It's just that I have really great news, and I wanted to tell it now, not later, because I'm at work and it's spring break so all the students are gone and I have nothing to do. Except I have a lot to do, but not a whole lot that I really want to do right now, so I'm listening to a busy signal.
It's really not all that bad.
Phone must be off the hook. Nobody talks this long.

As one of five digits, and as companion to four fingers

2009-02-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

The thumb
The thumb is the lateral-most digit of the hand.
The pinky
The little finger, often called the pinky in American English and pinkie in Scottish English (from the Dutch word pink, meaning little finger), is the most ulnar and usually smallest finger of the human hand.
Opposite the thumb, next to the ring finger.
The ring finger
The ring finger is the fourth digit of the human hand, and the second most ulnar finger, located between the middle finger and the little finger.
The index finger
The index finger, also referred to as, pointer finger, forefinger, trigger finger, digitus secundus, or digitus II, is the second finger of a human hand.
The middle finger
The middle finger (also the long finger and usually the longest finger) is the third digit of the human hand, located between the index finger and the ring finger. It is also called the third finger, digitus medius, digitus tertius, or digitus III in anatomy. Mainly used by Mr. Myncia

(who the hell is mr. myncia)
In many Western countries extending only the middle finger and sometimes along with the thumb of the same hand, is an offensive and obscene gesture, colloquially known as "flipping a bird" or "Flipping someone off." In some cultures, the middle finger is used as an index, to point things out.
I use my middle finger to make money

It is located between the first and third digits - that is, between the thumb and the middle finger. It is usually the most dextrous and sensitive finger of the hand, though not the longest.
The English word "finger" has two senses, even in the context of appendages of a single typical human hand:

1. The four digits, not including the thumb.
2. Any of the five digits.
According to László A. Magyar, the names of the ring finger in many languages reflect an ancient belief that it is a magical finger. It is named after magic or rings, or called nameless.

The ring finger on this hand is circled.

There is some evidence that the ratio between the lengths of the index finger and the ring finger may be modulated by androgen exposure in the uterus.
this is the right ring finger. this is the right ring finger. this is the ring fight finger. this is the finger right ring. hell, this is your right ring finger

Hello, I am the thumb. I am one of five, companion of four.
Hello, thumb.
Hello thumb!
Why 'ello mate!
Heya thumb.

In the USA a pinky swear or pinky promise is made when a person wraps one of their pinky fingers around the other person's pinky and makes a promise.

This is a picture of the pinky finger extended.

pinky pink. dinky dink. pinky.

Also in Japan, holding up a little finger while speaking of two people signifies that they are in a relationship.
Similarly, in Indonesia, when a man points his little finger downward it is a signal that he needs to urinate

So many fingers so many thumbs! So many monkeys drumming on drums!

In Australia, when a male driver is showing signs of road rage, women hold up their pinkie fingers.

More finger porn for your enjoyment.
This picture is of a human hand - index finger extended.

No picture of middle finger available.
Black sheep of the bunch...Middle finger has gone down a poor path.
We don't talk about middle finger in front of dad.

That's not just a finger. It's so much more than just a finger.
That's all we should really say about the middle finger.

I am the thumb.
I am the beginning of the hand.
I am the sign of approval.
I am the grip.
I am the straw that broke the camel's back.
I am the curve.
I am the space bar.
I am one of five, companion of four.
Thumby thumb thumb, thanks for the thumb.

I Apologize

2009-02-01T07:03:00.000-08:00

I A Pile of Eyes

I'm sorry. I'm in a state of trying to discover myself through different blog layouts.

Have I been unhappy because I've been using templates? Or have I been using templates because I'm unhappy?

I like to call this version "poop chic." It took me at least 5 minutes to find acceptable shades of brown to lay against each other. At least I feel original and less inclined toward self-deprecation now.

In order for this not to be a dreadfully narcissistic post (The whole world holds their breath as Theresa switches from color scheme to color scheme. Bracing themselves against their seats as she changes the font color from black to egg-white. "No! Not that one! Gone are the good days! Welcome, Chaos, you foul master!"), I will post a series of links to pictures that I think are pretty:

Remember: No reason to think our alphabet is the only one around. Lots of other languages have equally important and interesting alphabets.

In a similar vein, I thought this was an excessively interesting suggestion.

Have you ever met this woman? If I ever met her, I would tell her a happy thing. She looks so sad. I found her by Google Image Searching "Smacky the Insufferable." That is not a good example of a happy thing.

This is a picture of Pablo Neruda with a statue of a breasty lady behind him. Sorry to spoil the surprise!

This picture presents a lot of interesting points for discussion. What I find of particular interest is that the man's photobucket.com address implies that his name is "Adam Lester." Oh, if only his middle name was "Oliver." See if you can put that all together.

Sometimes, I do require a professional clown.

This is a link a to the color blue.

Google searching the color purple is a huge pain in the ass because of THAT DAMN BOOK! Sorry, I'm really emotionally caught up in this. This is the best example of it that I can get for now.

Breakfast.

I'm gonna go do that picture now. I miss you. I miss you all.

Anxieties at 9 In the Morning

2009-01-30T06:10:00.000-08:00

Is my youth gone?
Were those my glory days, and these my other days? Were those REALLY my glory days?
I live in terror of finding out how many triangles there are.
Why is my stomach making those weird sensations? What have I done to deserve this?
Do I need to order coffee for the shop today? What if I forget?
I get paid today. What if it's not enough?
IS IT EVER ENOUGH?
What if I do dare to eat a peach? One time, I ate an apple and contracted an allergy. It closed my throat. I went to the allergy doctor, and they tested me for a lot of things, besides apples. They said I could go either way with peaches: happiness or death.
Maybe I woke up too early today.
Maybe not.
I think today could go either way.
Today isn't a poetic day. Today is a clunky and endearing today. Today fell off the shelf on top of my head, and I thought Oh, what a dust jacket.
In some ways it's nice to have lost my youth. I have an excuse to sit around and stare at the cat. I have an excuse to ensure my consumption of breakfast.
Lonely, lonely, my life is boney.
I have an excuse to say no to that next drink. Except I normally don't. That's not a function of age. That's a function of sourness.
Turn down the loud! I'm souring in here. And clutching my aged limbs to myself. If I wrap them tightly enough, they'll mummify and quit aging.
I should probably go out to Ann Arbor today.
I'd much rather just stay here on the couch. This couch used to belong to my Grandma. She grew old, too.
Growing old guarantees at least one thing: death. But it can go both ways. It can never go either way.
Death is as mysterious as peaches.
Hello Death, you sly peach!
Was hast du jetzt gemacht?
I might be yet tired.
Why do my words always hump the left margin?
They're clinging to the left margin with their scraggly finger nails crying out OH GOD DON'T DROP ME.
It's 9:22 and the bells rang 5 times.
That makes less sense. But in making less sense, the bells make sense. Whenever they establish a pattern, I get scared that my queries have been in vain, and I've just been observing a completely normal pattern of nature that some other scientists figured out long ago and I was simply too lazy to read the report.
"Ding-Dong, Bing Bong: An Exploration Into the Bells of Ypsilanti which Ring on the :22's"
Yes. That will be my report. I will be famous. Makin' so much moonnneeeeyyyy.
Dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Pat, fat, sat, rat, mat, gnat, hat, bat, cat, eat.

I think I'll go back to bed for a wee sleepsies. My anxieties weren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. Except for the one where I thought I'd lost my youth. Oooeeee...that was bad.

To Tampa and Back (or Lines Written a Few Minutes Before and After Flying a Few Miles Above the Earth)

2008-11-29T07:12:00.000-08:00

As I set about to recontextualize my travel experience and drink coffee at the airport as I think "hey, I can drink beer at the airport" if I'd like
and I'd like except its 6:45 in the morning
I watched a man grope the fountain and felt a poem-like diarrhea coming out of me.

Recontextualizing the Airport in the Wake of My New-found Adulthood

1. Airport travel is no longer besmirched with carrying bags that belong to my mother.
2. Travel is no longer confusing. Either I'm less panicky, or we always had complicated flights, or my dad was teeming with questions.
3. Travel is lonelier-like.
4. I can stop and look at the damn fountain as long as I like!
5. TSA guy who I gave my receipt to instead of my boarding pass, who scoffed at me - what a hottie.
6. The Detroit airport doesn't have smoking rooms. But if it did I could smoke. Except I quit smoking.
7. Only go to the bathroom when I need to go - which isn't nearly as often as the female conglomerate and male stronghold of my family.
8. No loud almond-crunching while we wait for our flight. The airport doesn't play loud enough music to mask that sound.
9. The Atlanta airport had smoking rooms. They were sick!
10. The boy standing in line to the desk is adorable. He is also five. He can't see over the counter as daddy talks to the lady behind the huge silver wall. What do they talk about? Boring stuff.
11. The lady across from me is drinking Big Joe's coffee. I'm drinking Starbucks. I'd rather drink anything else besides Starbucks. Maybe she'll switch with me.
12. I just ate delicious buttered bread. There's more in my bag - I'll eat it soon.
13. If THEY ever made a movie of my life, I would want them to have a 3 minute static shot of me eating bread because that is so much more of life than the time I saved a tribe of babies from imminent peril in the Ozarks. In that moment, one would know just how much I like bread, how I hate crumbs on me, and how I have a bent against airport food because my parents never ate it.
14. Start eating airport food.
15. Big Joe's lady looks like a depressed sleepy bird. Poor lady.
16. Sad Bird left me. Now I feel a little sad. Fly away little birdie; find better poaching ground.
17. Big News! I just got paged! Over the intercom! No, and this time it's not terrorism. I got moved to a window seat so that a baby can sit by their parent. No kidnapping for me. Or parent napping, for that matter, under the watchful eye of the baby. I might be able to do some windownapping!
18. Sad Bird came back to find her seat filled by a besuited man with big, jocular eyes and too little hair for his age. He stares bravely forward. Sad Bird drifted to a new seat, and sunk into despondency.
19. Now the lady behind the huge silver wall is reassigning the shit out of this plane! How big is this baby?
20. If the plane was hijacked by a tribe of Ozarkian militant babies, do you think people would be less likely to defend themselves? Hell I wouldn't want to beat up a baby.
21. I'm not sure this is a poem anymore.
22. The airport is a roaring poem.
23. Standing on the moving walkway is really stupid.
24. That lady had red hair! I didn't care for her boots. The man with her probably cares for her boobs. They have to be cared for like waxing a car.
25. A bigger boy just tackled his smaller cousin, and they both fell. A lady screamed Cousins!
26. I think we're boarding now onto our drastically shifted plane. Here's to infant militantism.
27. I never want to forget what a big deal this is. I'm staring at the top of clouds, watching the sunlight dance through their stringy membranes. Dare I turn a cold shoulder?
28. Recontextualization may be complete: I'm drinking at the airport. The magical threshold has been crossed and it tastes like Sam Adams.
29. On my way home now. I was reading Frank, but decided writing could be better. Oddly enough I'm the only one reading poetry at the Jose Cuervo bar in Tampa. Does that make me awesome or an asshole?
30. It's funny to stereotype people at an airport.
"Damn Tampanian hicks."
"But I'm from FRAHNCE."
31. Bartender keeps staring at my Frank book. Closeted poesyphile?
32. When I walked in here, she said:
"Hello there, welcome to Jose Cuervos. Know what you want or do you need a minute?
What I wanted to say:
"Wow, what a creative name for a tequila bar. How'd you think of that?"
What I said:
"Ooh! I'll need a minute. I've always wanted to drink at the airport!"
I'm fuckin' adorable.
33. Have to fly in 15 minutes. Gee, so much beer to drink. Hope I don't miss it!
34. Well, I guess I'm boarding in 15 minutes. Quite different than flying.
35. Only near attractive man in this joint (enjoyed use of word joint) is wearing a nice scarf and has squinty eyes. Maybe he's tired? Lonely?
Lonely, lonely, my life is boney.
Bonely.
36. I think he's drunk.
37. Lady next to me is one of those hot 41 year old types. She's drinking Michelob Light. Bottled.
38. Yeah, I think I'm an airport asshole. Is this what I grew up to be?
39. Or maybe everyone is cynical at airports - sitting around judging all the nincompoops.
40. How odd that we would be that way. It's a perfect place to make friends! A playground of weapon-free waiters who are BORED.
41. Smile! I'm bomb-free!
42. My favorite is that the government strips us down to our stockings as we walk through the metal detectors. How cozy is that?
43. Well, need both hands now. Is this the end? This part really was just the epilogue.

Poem

2008-11-15T13:23:00.000-08:00

I am a sort of cloudy day sadist
unmoved by the shining sun

I nod my violent approval to the frigid breeze
that renders impotent none but the cloudless sky

The quivering alleys fill their potholes with rain
for my triumphant yellow boots to disembowel
I slosh through Cross Street
and cast a perverted gaze to the gray

I ignore the sagging blue pectorals of sky!

How I beg the clouds to drape their curtainous bodies
over the sun and darken
the golden veneer that crops on the brick

Let this puddle be the sky

and my yellow rain boots be the sun

I am the screaming demon of this day
and will beat the joy out of its bleak hips

the Earth will sigh today
Gloomy Thursday shines for no one.

2008-11-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

Hung-over from Halloween #1
I will show you fear with my hand full of pencil.
I would like you to remember this
The gloaming sneaks on the thrashing boardwalk to usurp my happenstance

and it would be really nice
if you could remember that

My hair will float upward in the breeze
see my tender flying locks as a sign of hope
a flag floating

That all boingling bongaling boinkle brings safety

and harmonious memory
to all skywalking midget farmers
float float float little hairs!
hope is left in your capable follicles

As you wrap me in your romance
I'll ask "hey - rowomance?"

Hung-over from Halloween #2

I am filled to the brim with impermanence
and by I I mean I I mean I mean I mean I mean I
like your legs but not those tiny shorts on them
I either like the performance or the thing itself
not some awkward peep show of all your extracurricular yet equally exciting parts
I saw a reflection of a biker up a hill
I saw that
I saw that reflection
I saw a reflection of that
He biked that hill good.

Hung-over from Halloween #3
I will show you fear with my hands full
of many miscellaneous objects
that they never said were frightening(theytheythey)
but I will show you fear in them
with my hands full
of them

Now now now now wait a minute there mister
Their gaze the gaze they gaze and they just watch
me trot myself past them in my little shorts

they're just so tiny

I'm not sure they care much for them
Perhaps I'll go change into something bigger

October is the cruelest month.

Ugly Mug Breakfast Poem - Tuesday Morning

2008-10-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

The world was all a bluster and

the wind was painted with smiles
Frankie called it an Eeyore morning

But we were happy!
A happy Eeyore morning!

And I was happy amidst

the swirling yellow pillars

the umbrellas lifting their skirts
to the wet aesthetic Ypsi was wearing

Eeyore held us under his dark donkey paw
We liked it and grinned on the way to class
'til the wind whisked our smiles away

Note: On a far more important note...
After a year of working at The Common Cup, I've finally seen the Men's Bathroom. This whole time there has been a green pillar, and I had no idea! We don't get a green pillar!

Aubree's Dinner Poem - Wednesday Night

2008-10-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

If this is your bag, then this is your wallet.

If this is your table, then this is your waitress.

If this is your coat rack, then this is your fleece.
If this is your picture, then this is your face.
If this is your daughter, then this is your family.
If this is your hair, then this is your hijab.
If this is your urine, then this is your problem.
If this is your cubicle, then this is your work.
If this is your house, then this is your party.
If this is your sock, then this is your smell.
If this is your empty beer glass, then this is your drunken walk home.
If this is your spider, then this is your pet.
If this is your hand, then these are my cold fingers.
If this is your butt, then these are your pants.
If this is your friend's, then this is all just a big mistake.
If this is your oyster, then this is your world.
If this is your education, then this is your career.
If this is your garbled speech, then this really doesn't make a lot of sense.
If this is your dictionary, then this is your language.
If this is your long, pensive glance, then here is my coy, heartless dismissal.
If this is your jaw dropping, then these are his secrets.
If this is your floor, then this is my ceiling.
If this is your roadkill, then this is your car.
If this is your death, then this is it.

Worms and Other Such Fantastical Creatures

2008-09-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

Life never keeps you just sitting there - in a figurative way. Literally, well, yes, sometimes. But at least my experience with this "Life" guy is that he generally pushes you out of your Lazy Boy and onto the carpet, off the carpet and onto the rug, off the rug and onto the ottoman, and from there the sky is the limit.

Sometimes, you're checking your bank account, to see how much you overdrew your account this pay period (because you're a huge moron, and that orange shirt was just so damn cute), and your friend that mysteriously left the area a few months ago to become a rock star, calls you from Chicago to tell you that he is becoming a rock star. You then sit, wondering why TCF Bank's Online Banking system makes no sense whatsoever, and how Mr. Life managed to sneak this one up on you. I mean, this time you were paying attention.

We're growing up guys, and our lives are becoming excited. In the next year, I'm going to be graduating, trying to open a tea shop, and having to figure what exactly it means to be a "real adult" (as opposed to a mythical one) and how much I need to "give up in order to make that happen." Friends are going to be moving away and coming back. Relationships are going to start and end. People are growing and changing, for better for worse, and the world is this big undulating wave pool where everyone is floating around trying not to sink in their cute little orange elbow floaties that they still wear because they're too scared to take them off ever since they almost drowned when they were nine years old because they "Abandoned Kayak!" when their sister told them to because she forgot how to steer back to shore and they figured they were heading to China.
But really, undulating wave pool was what I was going for there. Nothing ever stays the same.
Sometimes, it's very exciting. Your friend calls you to tell you that his life has become a fairy tale, but he's still your friend, and his life is still real, though all evidence is pointing toward otherwise. He's finally getting to live the life he's always wanted to, and everything he's been working for is seemingly falling in his deserving lap.
Who ever expected that to happen to anyone? Are my dreams going to come true? What about yours? What are they?

Well, I'm over the top excited, baffled, and well, excited. I probably overdrew my bank account, but we'll figure that out later.
I'm 21 now, by the by. Buy me beer.

That's what you said?

2008-08-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

completely overwhelmed.
hospital food blows. I want chicken.
cheeeeeeesecake.
so happy the US took back the lead in medal count! 21 US, 20 China! We love you Michael Phelps!!!
"The one thing that is consistent in life is betrayal."

i wish, i wish, upon a star.
yarg.

too in love with humorous turns of phrase.
looking at a masters in forensic psychology.
amazingly happy.
the greatest.
contemplating the power of memory.

up north singing in the woods : ) Gotta love being a choir dork.
a great guy. Let's get together.
almost done working.
fucking living up what he earned.

in cali and unsure of what to do with her self.
misses Ray Bay.... as a sidenote Mary Sarah is also astonished that her child is in kindergarten and thus she feels old.
updating his MICHIP website!
letting everyone whos been in contact know that i havent and wont have time to reply until i get back to ohio in the 16th...:)

a frisky dingo.
grumpy.

counting down the days to head up north.
content.
in Davis and loving the Paul Taylor dance intensive!!! =) and realizing she moves in two weeks! crazy!!
playin' the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun.
glad Nicole is home.

soooooooo Lalala teehee!
I Love the Olympics!!!
everything happens for a reason!!

just learned that birds can explode from gas build up...
pondering love.
wondering about her life's purpose. Is it to nap?

fucking excited about the new studio!
officially a student at Eastern!!!!!!!!!!!!
back swimming ^_^.

feeling sick ! ut ohhh.
overwhelmed by how present God was at Pine HIills. Praise the Lord!
chillin.
...

needing a change!
saying goodbye Black Moses :(.

counts down to her move: 9 days!
going to band camp!
remembering why she will never live in Monroe.

wants Chelsey to upload pictures!
painting her toes aqua.
livin' the dream.
back in Michigan and missing Tennessee!
.
live through this.
hanging out with Brandon today.
gone into food coma.
knows who wins.

annoyed.

happy Nikki's Kidney is working :)
"me, i'm a scene. I'm a dramaqueen...i'm the best damn thing your eyes have ever seen!"
going to Cedar Point - along with her whole family on the Donnelly side.
content.'

playing a show at West Park in Ann Arbor on Wednesday. There's a potluck at 4, and the show starts at 6; with the Versificators.
watchin Menace II Society - THE ORIGINAL!
tryin to do gymnastics off the couch & jumpin off of Ricky..its fun!

boxing the stars.

leaving on a jet plane...or in a car? You will find out someday :)
sitting with kelsey and jeremy.
très très malade.. =(.

(not really) wondering what he's to do with 10 pounds of leftover burgers and brats .
now the one doing the continuous smiling.

going to play the game and get it cheaper!!
sayn"I KNEW I WAS GONE SEE U AGAIN" R.I.P. 2 THE BIG MAC MR. BERNIE MOTHA FUCKIN MAC. IN HEAVEN MAINE GIVIN EM SOME "TROUBLE TROUBLE" KEEP US LAUGHN POWER965.
fuckin WORK.
home and had best be seeing you before you leave forever. Yeah, you, that Babe that's moving to St. Louis. Or any one of you Babes moving to Seattle.

waiting patiently for the Cruise.
calming down to some early Cabaret Voltaire.
having an amazing summer! WOAHHH!!!!
still in awe.

making lattes and happiness.
soo excited for cones...the vehicle for ice cream!!!!
chillin.
officially unpacked. now to start packing...

sore and has no voice but got to stare at and work with Drew B, Ellen Paige, Juliette Lewis, Jimmy Fallon and Eve all day. Plus very cute roller derby girls.
ready to rock and roll.
in Maine- it smells funny.
down and out....
going to the Willow Run Air Show. Anyone want to come? Grillin on the side of the road while drinking beer as we watch kick ass planes all day. Sat. & Sun.

so glad it's friday!
bored.
enjoying life.
workin' on dat der power drill. hm hm. Yes sir.

stressed out...
gonna scrapbook all weekend!!

The Boy Who Cried Communism

2008-08-05T08:34:00.000-07:00

He gave a little cough
Is this what I sound like?
cough
Look I'm not entirely sure what nature ever did for me but I've been told a lot of stuff
that we're supposed to do for each other and for others and pretty much the whole world
is suppose to
first base each other willingly of course into oblivion of course otherwise
the world isn't flattening
and that's the global economy you see - makeouts, and sneaking hands down each other's shirts
just so damn curious.

Dammit, McCarthy! You got us again!
Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
And how are we supposed to believe when you are we supposed
how are we supposed to and how are we supposed...
Hoohoohoohoohoohoo!

That's truly amazing.
I was just watching the movie, and then I was first-base freedomed
rocket-shipped to somebody's lunar basement. god the stars are no closer out here.

if you're THAT bored
we can just make out
the red, white and blue
that cuts my teresticle landscape against the universe.

He winked.
Let's save my planet, baby.

Blowhard (or The Ventriculatory MassWhale)

2008-07-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

I thought something felt a little funny yesterday. It was hard to pin it down due to my recent acquirement of full-throttle absent-mindedteenism (not a word), or my decision that cigarettes were last years news. Turns out it wasn't anything to do with me - things were just a little funny.

After finding out that one of my best friends from high school now lives down the street from me, I had a stigmata over my kitchen sink. Whether or not this was due to my finding out he lives down the street from me remains unclear. The particular stigmata I had was the one where Jesus readjusts his crown of thorns on his head, and consequently pricks six out of ten of his fingers. Six out of ten of my fingers (about 6/10 of them, or 3/5 if you use the metric system) started gushing blood, for no reason in particular - besides the stigmata of course. Only one of them was really split open, so I wiped up the other cuts, and put band aid over the seriously stigamatad one. The Little Finger That Could bled through that band aid, another one, and yet another one, before I was able to leave the house to go to work. Oh, the valiant bleeding. Keep on bleeding little buddy! You're so brave!

As I exited my house stage right, and approached my four-wheeled steel horse of valor and consequence, I noticed a strange pile of garbage abutting the entrance to my carriage of guilt and glory. "Bizarro." I thought, "though this is Ypsi. Naymind, not bizarro." But I as I neared the pile of garbage, I started getting the eerie feeling that the garbage was familiar. In fact, it kind of looked like...no, not..."could it...is it MY garbage? But of course it is! I can recognize my garbage from anywhere! Heavens, this garbage is the garbage that used to live inside my car!"

-1 bottle of mostly empty Victoria Secret lotion, left-over from my sister's habitation of said automobile.
-10 batteries, their life-death status unknown.
-2 bags half-eaten snacks from recent road trip to Tennessee.
-5,000 receipts, memorializing the purchase of cigarette packages (lo, the days of yore!)

Now, why would anyone ever want to go into my sapphire-encrusted transportation mechanism of serendipity and shyness, pull out handfuls of garbage, and leave them there?
At this point, I started to use my head, instead of my heart. I came to this conclusion:
Someone had gone treasure-diving in my car!

But really, the joke is on them. The mostly empty bottle of Victoria's Secret lotion and 2 bags of half-eaten snacks were really the best things in there. For no reason in particular, I had taken my iPod out of my car the night before, leaving the only other valuable, but pretty much useless, item in there, which is my cd-to-tape adapter. They took the adapter. Good for them. I would hate for them to leave empty handed - what kind of hospitality is that?

I mean, really. I hope they don't go smearing my reputation around Ypsi by telling everyone what a gross, useless quadped roar-box I have, or how I truly own nothing that costs more than $10.47.

The tale ends with me cleaning up the garbage with my blood-stained fingers, and quietly exiting the city. A weird spell, a tepid air, and a morose ghost fell upon Ypsi yesterday. Let us exercise the demon and let the city sleep at last.

Finally, a movie that accurately represents an entire species.

2008-06-14T06:10:00.000-07:00

I had an idea for a short story yesterday, but as I worked it out in my head, I realized it wouldn't be anything more than a romantic comedy. Heavens! We don't need more of those! So I decided to do what everyone in Hollywood does when they are entirely out of good ideas: Make it about Penguins!
Here's the voice-over from the trailer:

She's a girl, who's making her way in the Big City.
He's a down-home boy from the South Pole.
Her writing career has finally taken off.
He's finally met her.
The only problem is...

"See, I can't write unless my heart is broken."
"So that's why you're always waddling around dejectedly!"
"It's not emotional - it's just my work."
"Damn girl! You need to find a line between work and play!" (Hearty laughter)

She's addicted to having her heart broken.
He's addicted to her.

"I've never seen flippers move that way before."

Will this salt water lover risk her job for the one guy who could make her happy for the rest of her life?

"I mean, he's no Emperor Penguin." (Hearty Laughter) "But there's something in his plumage."

Or will she trick him into breaking her heart for the sake of a story...just like all the other guys?

The critics are saying
"Finally, a movie about real penguins."
"A hilarious, toboggoning romp!"

The only mature comedy with full-frontal penguin nudity, and all the laughs that will get you Puffin!
This summer, see the movie that dares to ask the ultimate question - What Will a Penguin Do For Love?

This summer, don't miss out on the writer's block:

The Pen is Mightier Than the Guin

Sooooo...what do you guys think? Besides, of course how retarded the critics who previewed the movie are. A tobogonning romp? What were they thinking?

But I think it's a winner, and I'm pitching it to Aaron Harburg in the morning.

Be Inspired by Life's Tender Succulence

2008-06-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

I've always hated the adorable posters people have hanging up, shamefully, in weird parts of their house, that are titled "Life's Little Instructions" or "Lessons I've Learned" or "Things I Know Now Because I'm So Damn Old but You're Still a Teenager, So Listen Up, Screwhead." These, sadly, usually permeate society and become cutesy adages, and, consequently, infallible wisdom.
So, to be proactive about my loathing, I decided to make my own.

Life's Little Instructions

Go into the priesthood. Wear socks. Become a man. Don't be overly frightened of bats. Stop to creepily stare at the roses. Wash your dishes immediately after use, otherwise they get crusty and a lot harder to wash. Don't hold it in - just go to the bathroom, and always take into consideration the germs you're encountering by giving them names. Wink at old men, then call them creepy behind their backs. If you don't have a coping mechanism, make one up! The internet is all around us, so be careful where you fart. Remember the ducks, for when you get older, they will haunt you in the night. Dance like no one knows you're a quadriplegic. Wash behind your ears out of duty, never out of desire. Children are inherently creepy, and that's why they always put them in horror movies.

But above all else - wear clothes that are memorable, otherwise you might forget and think you're naked.

Jack and Coke, and feeling Bloggy!

2008-06-01T21:48:00.001-07:00

I've started viewing my life in haikus. Haikus in the good way - not in the way that annoying, prescriptivist weirdos who find enjoyment in useless restriction like them. (Given that description, I'm not sure anyone fits that build.) (Hooray for talking in parentheses!) ((Double parentheses denote a secret))

So yeah, haikus. Viewing my life in captured moments. They generally turn out to be paragraphical moments, instead of silly 5-7-5 lines that don't make sense in any particular way.

I realized that most rap songs nowsadays are haikus. Take, for example, "Get Low" by Flo-rida. The song, or at least the chorus ,which is all that my ineptitude is able to decipher, deals entirely with him seeing a girl in a club, and what that's like. He sees a girl, apple-bottom jeans, furry boats, and she's smacking her butt. He describes what he's wearing, and that's about it. Lame? I think not. He's describing a poignant moment in his life. It's easy to doubt the sincerity (since we generally connect sincerity with morality) in the song (though maybe he REALLY likes furry boots!),...but the point is the capturing of the moment, got it?

When I look back at my life, I generally see it in Polaroid snapshots, and moments that I treasure in my life. I work in moments. Anything longer than that indefinable space of time I can't handle for meaning. Ten minutes in time holds no meaning. All I can seem to capture is the beauty in that moment, and what the insertion of myself into that moment creates.

At this point, I would normally make a silly Top 10 list of my favorite moments, which would be an entirely farcical, and a potentially clever exploration....but I don't feel like it. Moments are too sacred, and I wouldn't dream of sharing the ones that actually mattered to me on the internet - The Whore of Information. Moments are sacred pieces of fleshy-life, encapsulated in a block of ice, that we're trying to find a freezer big enough to keep it in. Once the ice melts off, all you have left is quickly perishable flesh that holds no beauty.

Metaphors aside, I'm tired and going to bed. Tell me your thoughts on the matter, haikus, and how nice my butt is. I think your's is pretty awesome.

I Love Me

2008-05-17T06:24:00.000-07:00

I just ate the most friggin delicious coffeecake in the whole world. How does a cake that good even exist?
Well I guess it doesn't anymore. All gone. So sad.

I didn't get much sleep last night, at least not enough to work an 8-hour shift today. But before you go sob for my sorry-little-tired-hiney (Yellow Polka Dot Bikini!), let's look at the facts:

HAND-SLAMMING FACT: I had four hours of sleep last night.

TRUTH: My job at the coffee shop currently consists of sitting around, and stalking people on Facebook for 8 hours, ooh and drinking lots of tea.

HAM-SLAMMING TRUTHFACT: This isn't so bad!

Except I'm not sure I know what's real anymore. These two people are here right now, and I think I accidentally forced the guy to pay for both of them, though I'm pretty certain that they meant to pay separate. Ha, now they're on a date. And keep looking at me awkwardly, like I'm some creepy, dilapidated vulture...not so far from the truth!

GLISTENING HAM TRUTH: I am a vulture.

I'm so depressed that coffeecake is gone!

Alright, I'll just make a Top 10 list and get out of here.

THERESA'S TOP 10 FAVORITE FINGERS:
10. Left-Hand pinky
9. Left-hand pointer
8. Right-hand ring-finger
7. Right-hand pinky
6. Left-hand middle finger
5. Right-hand thumb
4. Left-hand thumb
3. Left-hand ring finger
2. Right-hand middle finger
1. Right-hand pointer

CONGRATULATIONS RIGHT-HAND POINTER! You've done your accusatory work so well over the past 20 years, that you came in at Number One! Keep up the good work, Pointer!

For all my fingers that didn't make the Top Ten List this year, keep trying! If you can dream it, you can do it!

The Joy of Humans

2008-05-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

I've always had an easier time expressing cynicism towards humans, and telling them that they're generally pretty stupid. This is the main reason why I believed for awhile that I was Mark Twain in a past life, but obviously this was thrown out since he's not British. Obviously, I was a British subject in a past life, and quite possibly, a rock star.

TANGENT:
Recently, I was told I look like Keith Richards. British Rock Star. Ugly git. I told the two men that told me that they were assholes and should go away. They giggled to themselves, and tried to further explain their reasoning (something about my hair-piece), but I got away too quickly to be healed from their slanderous remarks.

UNTANGENT:
Where was I? Oh yeah, I'm not Mark Twain. I know this since deep down I've always had such an incredible affection for humans and their quirks, mannerisms, and plights. It just hurts a bit too much to show love sometimes. I am a rock, I am an island.
My Grandma died this past Saturday. I loved her dearly. She was one of my favorite people, and a great friend of mine. She was the kind of human that I just really, really liked. I get so sad when I think about how she won't be around anymore, won't invite me over to dinner, won't be around to make us Pineapple Coffeecake and her Jello salad. She won't be poking things with her cane, or making snarky comments about circumcision. I won't be able to do crossword puzzles with her anymore, or watch Jeopardy with her.
This makes me very sad.
And it's all the little stuff like this that makes me sad. All the little, silly things that she has done for me and my family that I love and treasure about her.
In a frenzied search for meaning, I find myself trying to only look at self-designated profundities, none of which hold any more meaning than the memory of my Grandma making mint tea.

That's what makes me think Humans are just so neat. We scurry around at break-neck speeds, panic at our follies, and despair at our lack of progress. We get so worried about things. But then we're able to slow down enough to notice that we're really, really stinkin' cute. The ways that we entertain ourselves, joking around together, and trying so hard to stamp the universe with our precious authenticities, are so much more important than the over-arching meaning we seem to be on a constant quest for.

I think God has been trying to show me how he sees people. And if it is God showing me these glimpses of His Heart, then it's pretty unexpected.
First, I was driving to work. I was almost to Golfside, thinking about nothing particularly important. Then my mind wandered to gesticulation, and thinking about how people speak with their hands. Sometimes their hands just get so wild, traveling around their bodies, slicing air with the blades of their fingers, in such a desperate attempt to communicate. My heart filled with love for humans. How cool is that. Gesticulation. Golly.

The second was just today. I was Stumbling through the Great Internet, and watched a music video the Navy made for the song "Hey Ya." I started crying halfway through it. It was just so beautiful to see all these people happily goofing around together, and enjoying themselves. How magical is it that they cared enough about doing something funny, so that bored people like me can have a good laugh? To me, it was just so tender that people care enough about each other to make each other laugh.

I guess it never occurred to me the altruism in humor. We've all seen someone fillet themselves to get a laugh out of someone else, simply because they want them to be happy, and people are just so beautiful when they're smiling. I love to make people laugh, and sometimes succeed. I never knew why I liked doing it so much, and why I love laughing so much. Sometimes I get the overwhelming desire to be selfish with my jokes so that people will appreciate them more when I pull them out. More so, maybe people will finally put out with their jokes, because I sure as hell get lonely when I'm the only one horsing around. But I don't like that. I don't like when humor dovetails into bitterness. We're meant to be bringers of joy to the people around us, and humor isn't a bad way to start.

Well, those are my thoughts for the day. Here's the video of the Navy for you guys. I understand that it may not be as profound as I made it out to be, or maybe it is. You'll have to let me know:

glumbert - Navy does Hey Ya

Food Perverts

2008-04-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

I'm at work right now, and it dawned on me that I should probably milk the cow of benefits. Unfortunately, the only milk this cow produces is Free Wifi (goes great with cereal!) and day-old bakery items (which are generally of the food variety). I was already using the internet, and it's hard to use the internet twice at the same time (Done it!), so I decided to go for a cupcake.

The cupcakes we serve at the Common Cup, however, have a tenuous grasp on cupcake status. A better way of describing them is Frosting Holder. The "Holder" bit exists for the sole purpose of keeping the consumer's hands clean -- and health code reasons. However, thanks to the latest developments by Gluttonologists, the days of "Holder" will be gone, and we'll be able to eat just Frosting without the burden of messy, sticky hands which bare the proof of indulgence (Though let's be honest - what a fun mess to lick up!).

NOTE FOR MY BOSS:
I actually think our bakery is fantastic, and admire their judicious, yet generous, portion choices.

Eat the cupcakes. You'll probably get diabetes anyway.

But anyways, that went on longer than I wanted it to. What I REALLY wanted to talk about was the idea of Pornographic Food. Hooray! Food having sex! What a great idea for a blog!

Or, less of that, and more of the idea of food being objectified. Let's quit joking around guys, we have serious issues, and it's time to address them (blog-style, meaning posting pictures, watching videos, and commenting about how fat everyone is). Food Pornography is taking so much of what is wanted from food, and what people like about food, and putting so much of it in there, that it comes out perverse on the other end. People do this! Bah - cupcakes!

It's disgusting. Do we not respect food anymore? When we objectify food, we make it so that it doesn't even seem human, and treat it with the same respect as a piece of meat.
Here are a few samples for, for your scoffing enjoyment:

CHICKEN FRIED BACON: Deep fried bacon, served with ranch! Mmm!
Watch a whole video about this CRAP!

DOUBLE DEEP FRIED DONUT: These exist more often than you'd think. Yeah, ok, I had one once. But it was just once in high school, and I didn't even like it.

DEEP FRIED COCA-COLA: I don't even know. It's really weird.
Click to try and understand.

Last deep fried one:

DEEP FRIED BACON WRAPPED BANANA: Dear God! What are people doing to that poor banana?!

THE FOOL'S GOLD LEAF: Some kind of hocus pocus created by some guy named Elvis Presley. Nastiest thing possible. To construct one, mix one jar of peanut butter, one jar of grape jelly, and a pound of bacon. Scoop the mixture inside a hollowed-out loaf of fresh-baked bread, smother the outside in butter and bake.

That's it. That Elvis guy -- what a creep.

TURDUCKEN - This one has become more popular, though it's an abomination. I've had one before, and the 20 pounds I put on after a single bite lives with me to this day.

Chicken meet Duck. Duck this is Turkey. Turkey, this is Chicken.
Chicken this is Turkey. Duck this is Chicken. Ok, everybody good? Let's all pile into each other and be creepy!

THE BEER BARREL BELLY BUSTER: I know you want to like this one because it has an alliterative name, but stop yourself. This is the omega of Objectified Food. Food Perverts flock to it at night. This is it guys.

No, this isn't just a normal-sized burger photographed with a small camera to make it look enormous! (that's how photography works, right?) This burger is 15 pounds of fury, ready to electrify your intestines, and throttle your arteries with its hefty glory.
Along with your 15 pounds of flesh, you'll receive 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, and one onion! See, vegetables! Maybe this burger is just a friendly giant.

(P.S. The restaurant responsible for this unspeakable tub of guts also boasts of a 123-pound monstrosity called the "Main Event." I couldn't find a picture of that one though, probably because Danny's Beer Barrel Pub is too damn ashamed of themselves to post a picture of their sluttish sandwich.)

After all that, I don't think our cupcakes are all that bad. Our cupcakes just wear a mini-skirt and dance around on stage.

The crowd hangs heavy with garbage disposal reverence

2008-04-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

Facebook exists simply to remind everyone that our lives are really boring. It makes you personally feel better when you think about how your life is boring because you spent an hour going through someone's pictures, thinking about how boring their life is.

So if our lives are all equally boring, couldn't we say that they're all equally interesting? Optimism is a really adorable trait to have.

Top Ten Colors

10. Blue
9. Maroon
8. Pink
7. Brown
6. Tangerine
5. Cyan
4. Green
3. Bright Yellow
2. Purple
Coming in at number one! The color of this year's season is
1. Red! Holding steady at the top.

This year's BIGGEST LOSER is, once again:
Magenta!
No one likes it, again!

Top Ten Favorite Double-digit Numbers

10. 67
9. 13
8. 88
7. 35
6. 36
5. 24
4. 10
3. 79
2. 16
1. 93

CHART FACTS: Once a fan favorite, 10 has been bumped down from number two to number four this year. 93 rose to stardom this year, climbing all the way from the number five position to steal the first place slot! Thanks to everyone who voted, and a hearty congratulations to 93's victory as the NEW FAVORITE DOUBLE-DIGIT NUMBER!

I refuse to cite my sources.

2008-04-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

This was an overabundantly fun experiment. There may be more of these in the future, but let me know what you think of this one. And no, I'm not telling all the poems I buried in here, but honestly, it's not THAT hard to figure out.
Hugs and Kisses,
Theresa

OOPS! The world...

As once the winged energy of delight
carried you over childhood's dark abyss,
I first surmised the horses' heads were toward eternity -- but there is a terrible breath in all this.

Keats, a handsome feller, says
"If I lay here? If I JUST LAY HERE?
I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
The birds push apples through
grass the moon turns blue,
these apples roll beneath
our buttocks like a heath - I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas."

I celebrate myself as she turns around and gives that big booty a smack.
Next thing you know (next thing you know) next thing you know
shorty's gettin'
low
low
low
low
low
low
low
LOW

A serious moment for the water is when it boils life...is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
Did you stash the bod? You know, that's what we call it in the byz
Antine Empire.

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! That is not it at all
That is not what I meant, at all.
It's almost like being shot in the ass
with a .22 beside the white chickens

CORRECTION! I know your father!

Please, sir. I don't like this trick, sir.
Come, you spirits quick sir
I get all those ticks and clocks sir
That tend on mortal thoughts sir,
mixed up with the chicks and tocks, sir.
Unsex and fill me from the crown to the toe sir
I can't do it, Mr. Fox, sir

LOOK HARDER!

but if for once i gazed into the softness of your face without any thought of otherwise
maybe you would shudder
maybe i would leave
maybe you would reveal yourself
or else maybe i would forget to know that this will all be over way too quick

Here it is - In all of it's Official Glory

2008-04-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

THIS is my official statement about hippies:

I LIKE hippies. They're good people. They loaf around, get high to music, and love on each other ALL DAY. What's not to like?
But the problem is--
People who hate hippies are so much funnier.

See the dilemma? That's why there was so much confusion!!

Everyone, be calmed. Now you have the truth in your hands.

This One's For the Humans -- Cheers!

2008-04-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

Preamble

I often like to remind my parents that it's not my fault that I'm alive, therefore the mistakes I make aren't, at their core, my fault. I'm not sure when this will start being bogus, and they'll tell me to shut up. They're nice parents -- they may never tell me to shut up.

But think about this big circular doohickey that we call life. Psychologists and other liars tell us that we don't have any memories before we're three. Maybe this is the case so that we don't have to go through so much shock from entering the world from the womb and from somewhere else before that. It's bizarre that all I've ever known is being alive, but there was never a start to it. I slowly faded into the knowledge of my existence, and always accepted it as fact from the dawn of my memory. I've only ever known being trapped inside this shell that everyone was calling "Theresa" and accepted it. There was no switch over, no change, no sudden adoption of an identity. I've only ever grown into myself and been mystified by this fact.

Amble

So we're all these babies stumbling around the earth, begging our legs to hold us up, for no reason we're sure of, just knowing that this is what we do. We start talking, never knowing that we're doing it, until after we've acquired a remarkably sophisticated knowledge of our language. We start interacting with the world around us, without realizing we are, and with all these huge giants staring down at us, poking our cheeks, yelling at us to stop crying, and telling us that the giant glob on the spoon is, in fact, an airplane that is trying to land in our mouths. (Later in life, we realize that this was all a huge lie, and that airplanes are something far different and far more confusing. Shock from this realization leads millions of adults to be terrified of flying for the rest of their lives.) We wear whatever clothes are pasted onto our bodies, and don't worry about them. All we think about is food, pain, mommy, and why these scary and friendly giants are insisting that we make our stomach aches go away in a large porcelain circle -- it just makes them so happy.

This all goes well for awhile. Then we start looking at ourselves in the mirror. The world has gotten a lot smaller, and the giants aren't as big as they used to be. They aren't as wise as they used to be, and we learned that just because they told us to do something, we don't need to do it. The clothes we are wearing start being awkward, and we wonder what we're supposed to wear now that we have choices. We realize that what we wear says something about who we are, which is most confusing since we really have no idea what we are. The other stumbling babies the same size as us start telling us that we're doing things wrong and that they're better than us, and usually the only way to feel better is start telling other stumbling babies that they really, really suck.

We see all these other stumbling babies, and giants of all sizes start kissing each other and talking incessantly about love, and some other kind of three letter word that we're really confused about because everyone seems so sheepish about it. Some people insist that it is equivalent to love, and other people argue it is the antithesis of love. But apparently, this awkward secret which no one is particularly open about is responsible for our existence, and therefore, years and years ago, our parents did something they don't want to talk about, and because of that, here we are, confused about life and wondering what's going to happen next.

We trudge and trudge and trudge through life, making one mistake after another, thinking that maybe our mistakes will slip under the radar, until our parents, friends, school, bank and government start telling us that they know we messed up big time, and it's time for us to pay the penalty. It's good for us to pay this penalty, apparently. If we want to be alive and sharing our experiences of the world with people, we need to be responsible. We can't be stumbling babies anymore. We have to be giants, we have to make money, we have to start having this three-letter word responsibly so that maybe, someday, we can have stumbling babies of our own. This will make our life satisfactory, and maybe someday, if we do as we're told, we can start telling people what to do, and be happy. (But the secret of the secret, the biggest secret of all, that no one is saying, is that no one ever stops being a stumbling baby. Giants don't ACTUALLY exist!)

We start telling people what to do, and how to behave, though we really have no idea what we're talking about. No one can be mad at us about this though, because we all do it -- it simply has to be done. It has to be done because nothing else seems to work, and we're not sure why it doesn't work...it just...doesn't. Like so many other things about the lives of us, we just do it because it's done, and it's too complicated to do otherwise.

Eventually, our bodies that have been our cage and constant companion all these years stop working as well. Walking up stairs becomes harder, we can no longer create more babies, and all the people we've been friends with stop existing. Their bodies die, and whatever it was that makes them "them" is gone. A lot of people have ideas about what happens to "them", but no one generally agrees on anything. It leaves us feeling scared and worried about what will happen, since we depend on our cage for our existence, and sometimes we don't care about it all that much.

And then we die. Those who have gone before us don't tell us exactly what happens, probably because it's a huge surprise in the sky, and they don't want to ruin it for us.

We start never knowing we're alive, and usually not realizing it until it's too late, and then die. And we're supposed to be entirely okay with this.

Postamble

I get scared sometimes.
But since no one is really looking, or paying that much attention very often, I may as well choose to be excited about it. I'll let you know what else I find out.

Backtracking

2008-03-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

I found your words
They're laying in the mud on the side of the road
Sad and discarded
I'm sorry they got lost there, or you dropped them, or maybe they expired and were thrown out.
I would have pulled them out and given them back,
but it was raining
and I was very, very cold.

I found your thoughts
in the alley that people cut through
to bypass the one-way streets
They're potholed and full of parked cars
You lost your thoughts there
I found them but I was rushing,
splashing in the puddles.

A man hit me with good intentions
as I sneezed past him on the street
soaked through to my damp, fleshy skin
Bless you he said
I took as much as I could and
am happy to share them with you
As long as you stop being
so damn careless.

More like Great Friday

2008-03-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

So it's Good Friday, and I'm at a loss for how to (celebrate)(remember)(honor)(high five) about it. Things get a lot more confusing when the Christianity of your parents becomes different than your own. It's supposed to be. If this was an easy task for me, then it probably means that I haven't progressed or changed at all, and am a really, really, thoughtless creature.

I'm not really into the whole "let's sit around and weep for the loss of Jesus Christ, and then get really excited on Sunday" dogma. It's actually never made sense to me that Good Friday has been a gloomy day. Wasn't he supposed to die the whole time? Wasn't that the whole plan? Isn't this the best and most exciting thing that ever happened to us?

Good Friday is actually my favorite (holiday)? Holiday? Hm. Yes. Holiday. I always have gotten really excited about it, then really depressed when I realized that all the services were these gloom ridden dirges about how shitty we and everyone else is for killing Jesus. He didn't do it for any other reason except for love -- can't we at least be a bit chipper about that?

I know, I know. Solemnity doesn't necessarily imply sadness. Being quiet and reflecting is one thing, but drearily trudging through the day, picturing that at THIS EXACT MOMENT 2,008 years ago Jesus was hanging on the cross, pissed off and angry at all the evil Jewish and Roman fellers that nailed him there...is an entirely different thing.

We're all loved more than we can comprehend. We're all loved more than makes sense. Science is baffled, and magic is transcended. This time of year is proof to us that our God is a loving God, and isn't out there just to mess with us.

If you think my theology is whack, go ahead and tell me. I've spent my entire life learning how wrong I am and saying I'm sorry about it.
And just so you know, so far how I've celebrated Good Friday was this:
"Hey Ian, Happy Good Friday."
"Oh, yeah! Happy Good Friday!"
And we clinked coffee mugs.

Use Your God-given Imagidamnation

2008-03-18T07:47:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to take a brain dump on you. Here goes!

Dear Theresa,

Maybe if you did your homework, your life would stop being so STUPID!

Love, Me.

Dear Me,

In the long run, will I look back and say: "Oh good. I'm so glad I got that paper done in time!" ?

Love, Theresa

Dear Theresa,

Yes.

Love, Me

P.S. Cool punctuation overload at the end of your letter.

Dear Me,

I see your point.

But screw you, anyway.

Love, Theresa

P.S. Thanks! I was hoping you'd like that.

I think the above explains my situation better than I ever could, and besides IT'S SO DULL, so I don't want to extrapolate anymore. Instead, I will make a top ten list.

Top Ten Things (Which Remind Me of Better Days)

10. Large, awkward, stuffed bears.
9. Candle light on top of a cliff, looking down into your soul.
8. Pie!!
7. Agoraphobia.
6. Rainy nights, tangy bites.
5. Twice the burger, for half the price!
4. Piranhas...just piranhas.
3. Pirates - making their way in a world that's turned against them.
2. Owning five pairs of the same socks (chuckle chuckle).
1. The fact that you read this list. Haha! You're crazier than I am!

Now I'm cackling to myself.

Top Ten Good Things That Have Happened So Far Today (Though I've Only Been Awake Two Hours!)

10. Woke up alive.
9. Woke up in a warm bed. Snice.
8. Free latte.
7. One and a HALF bagels.
6. England will happen. Probably.
5. I wrote two more paragraphs for my paper.
4. Realizing how well I can count backwards.
3. I cackled.
2. Woke up in America - wear bald eagles are bald, and we like it.
1. Writing this blog entry.
0. Wait! What's going on??!!
-1. This is alarming.
-2. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to end at 1.
-3. The day has taken an alarming turn in a bad direction.
-4. Seconds of my life being torn from me!
-5. Paper!
-6. Bagel is gone!
-7. Out of coffee!
-8. It's raining!
-9. I count backwards too much!!
-10. America!

That is all. Back to my paper, which is titled: Shakespeare and Why He Sucks (Oh, If You Only Knew).

This One is For You ...Ypsi.

2008-03-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

Wrote this last night, as I imagined some guy shooting down my window. But really, it was just a cat.

You scare me Ypsilanti.
Daytime you are a lover, but at night you show your fangs.
I wake up and ask what kind of dumbass steals trash cans --
while you sheath your knife, and smile like a house wife.