Feel free to let me know in the comment thread if you've ever said any of these before.
1. Hey there. What can I do for you?
2. Would you like a big one or a little one?
3. I thought you were working Tuesday.
4. I haven't had to do anything today that caused me pain.
5. Mocha for Erica. Erica. Mocha.
6. Do you live around here?
7. I would try Salvation Army.
8. When I come back you better be ready to put in your order, otherwise you'll keeping doing badly in your job interview.
9. Oh, really?
10. I don't think anyone has noticed.
11. They'd be all like, hooray, we've finally penetrated the Muslim community.
12. Does that taste okay?
13. Oh, ok.
14. No, she was just a crazy person. A lune.
15. Hellooooo Kevin!
16. Whenever I lose my voice, I try to talk as much as possible.
17. It makes talking an adventure.
18. I was going to make a pie for his party anyway, so that could work out rather perfectly.
19. So uh give me a call and we can figure out a time.
20. Yesssssss.
21. Refill?
22. Your total will be $6.68 Jason Bennett.
23. And if you could just sign this copy for me.
24. How much are you gonna expand?
25. Do you have time to wait - I have to brew another pot.
26. But I know if I say like "hey it's too cold in here, turn down the AC" they'll change it, and I'll be all like "hey hey it's too hot in here." So I usually just wear a sweatshirt.
27. Hey, hows it going?
28. That shouldn't be a problem um I just need to talk to the employee who is working tomorrow. How many people will you have? Ok, 6-8 people is great.
29. Whooosh
(NOTE: The last one was posted on a gmail conversation. The rest were spoken word.)
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Second to Last Day of Printing. They're, like, Haikus.
Perceived punchlines are in bold to aid in comprehending hilarity.
Ah, Yes. The open road. Nothing quite like it.
The fresh air. The rolling hills.
I do wish there were a healthier selection of restaurants along the way.
A-ha! I think I smell a business opportunity.
That's not opportunity, Dad. We're passing a cattle farm.
GYM
Try our boot camp classes
I WAS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED!
I worry about Sakura playing in the waves. What if she encounters a shark?
Oh, I'm sure we can find a marine biologist who can stitch it back up.
Grrrrr.
Who is our sponsor?
Me. I don't enjoy fundraising.
Alfie's dad said his company could sponsor us.
That's the other reason.
Money is Money.
Some money is more expensive than other money
Alfie's dad wants to know if you got Alfie that pro contract yet.
So...we begin another day of unending summer fun!
You have prepared some fun green popsicles, and I have chosen a fine fun rerun of "F-Troop" for our television viewing pleasure!
Let the fun begin!
Uh-oh.
Cables out!
...at least we have fun popsicles.
I made 'em with string bean juice!
HEY! I SMELL RIBS!
YEAH! WITH BARBECUE SAUCE AND POTATO SALAD!
DRAT! IT'S JUST GRIMES' SHIRT.
?
"Your problems are caused by all-or-nothing thinking. It's either that, or you don't have any problems."
Congratulations!
We have reviewed your manuscript and wish to publish your incredible tale of survival...
Hi.
I'm your neighbor from two doors down.
Hi. I'm Sarah Bucket.
I'm Scott.
Nice to meet you.
Um...is this your tree?
Mwa Ha Ha Ha! Fools! The identity of the one who stole your precious plank of wood is at long last revealed!
Behold...
IT IS I!!
You know this guy?
No clue. You don't know him?
Harry, A Bar in Spain is Attracting customers by encouraging them to insult the Bartender.
the best insults Gets you a Free Drink and some tapas.
You know what would be More Fun?
If the customers PAID to be insulted...didn't you try that.
People stayed away in Droves.
It'll catch on eventually.
Ugh. You again.
THE PROBLEM WITH A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS.
"Marm! Stop begging!"
*meow
*meow
HI!
Never you mind whose ringtone this is!
ok...so what would Capt. Eddie do?
Think about it
oh...yeah...
ok...ready? One...Two...Three!
BELCH
P-Tooie
Woo-Hoo!
With the exception of gravity, that worked great.
Well, I didn't say it was a perfect plan
What are ya doin', Brutus?
I'm watching birds!
Nosy!
Why are erasers pink? It's not very manly!
I've learned a lot from the general
What could you learn from him?
Z
Well, one thing...
...Age doesn't bring wisdom
Ah, Yes. The open road. Nothing quite like it.
The fresh air. The rolling hills.
I do wish there were a healthier selection of restaurants along the way.
A-ha! I think I smell a business opportunity.
That's not opportunity, Dad. We're passing a cattle farm.
GYM
Try our boot camp classes
I WAS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED!
I worry about Sakura playing in the waves. What if she encounters a shark?
Oh, I'm sure we can find a marine biologist who can stitch it back up.
Grrrrr.
Who is our sponsor?
Me. I don't enjoy fundraising.
Alfie's dad said his company could sponsor us.
That's the other reason.
Money is Money.
Some money is more expensive than other money
Alfie's dad wants to know if you got Alfie that pro contract yet.
So...we begin another day of unending summer fun!
You have prepared some fun green popsicles, and I have chosen a fine fun rerun of "F-Troop" for our television viewing pleasure!
Let the fun begin!
Uh-oh.
Cables out!
...at least we have fun popsicles.
I made 'em with string bean juice!
HEY! I SMELL RIBS!
YEAH! WITH BARBECUE SAUCE AND POTATO SALAD!
DRAT! IT'S JUST GRIMES' SHIRT.
?
"Your problems are caused by all-or-nothing thinking. It's either that, or you don't have any problems."
Congratulations!
We have reviewed your manuscript and wish to publish your incredible tale of survival...
Hi.
I'm your neighbor from two doors down.
Hi. I'm Sarah Bucket.
I'm Scott.
Nice to meet you.
Um...is this your tree?
Mwa Ha Ha Ha! Fools! The identity of the one who stole your precious plank of wood is at long last revealed!
Behold...
IT IS I!!
You know this guy?
No clue. You don't know him?
Harry, A Bar in Spain is Attracting customers by encouraging them to insult the Bartender.
the best insults Gets you a Free Drink and some tapas.
You know what would be More Fun?
If the customers PAID to be insulted...didn't you try that.
People stayed away in Droves.
It'll catch on eventually.
Ugh. You again.
THE PROBLEM WITH A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS.
"Marm! Stop begging!"
*meow
*meow
HI!
Never you mind whose ringtone this is!
ok...so what would Capt. Eddie do?
Think about it
oh...yeah...
ok...ready? One...Two...Three!
BELCH
P-Tooie
Woo-Hoo!
With the exception of gravity, that worked great.
Well, I didn't say it was a perfect plan
What are ya doin', Brutus?
I'm watching birds!
Nosy!
Why are erasers pink? It's not very manly!
I've learned a lot from the general
What could you learn from him?
Z
Well, one thing...
...Age doesn't bring wisdom
Sunday, July 12, 2009
This lady talks loud, has saggy cheeks, and is also a liar.
1. Ow. My tummy hurts. Tummy tummy tummy.
2. I woke up today thinking the electric silence had settled onto my house because my alarm clock was blank and sad.
3. But my fan was going. So I was wrong.
4. Yesterday, I wrote this:
It has come to my immediate attention that the plumbing needs attention5. Then I wrote that over and over while not looking at the keyboard and not backspacing:
It has come to my immediate atetnion that th epllumbing needs atetnion
It has coemto timy immediate attention that tpulbming needs attention
Ithascome mto my immediate attention that the lpubming nedsattention
theithascometoimyimmediateattentionthattheplumbing needsattention
ithascometomymiimdeateattentionthatthepuumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingnedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmignneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsantetion
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyaatentionthatplubmingneedsatetion
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmginenedsattetnion
ithascaometomytattentionthatptheplubmingneedsattentio
ithascometomyattetionthatieplubminganeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyiemdatteiattentionthattheplubmignneesdsatatemiattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthathteplubmingneedsattetniont
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtelubimigneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatptheplbumingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediatemeiahtethaplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomymmediateattenitonthatplubmingneedsatetention
ithascometomyimmeidateattentionthathtpelubmingneedssatimatentig
theimahsidotkathwothathteplumbingneedsatteniton
tihasscometimyomatimmedateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
itahscometomyimmediateattenionthtathplubmingneedsattention
ithascomeitmyimeedateattentiontahtitplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmedaiteattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthatplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattenitionthatolumibngineedsattention
ithascometomyimddeiateattenitonthaplubmingneedsattateion
ithascometomimmediateatteniton
thathteplubmignitindmithascoetomyimmediateattentionthatplumbingeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsatteiton
ithascometomyimmediatattentionthatplubmignnedsattention
ithascometomyimdediatattentiotnathplubmignedsattention
ithascotmomyimmediateatttnionthatplubmignneedsatttion
6. Then I wrote it while reading a story that Ian was telling me about a gorilla.
it has domet o my atteniont ahtplubming needs atteniton
ita hscme to my attention that plubming needsa tention
it has come to my attention that plubmig the neesatt
ehit has come to my attention tkathe atptne
ithas hoemt o m aytentioned atn dpthe plubming needs atettnion
it has coem to my adtowktj the daily plumbing tneeds attehos
it hascometo my attention that eplbi the bplugming wheedsa tento
it ha scome to wideht so abne the plumbing eenedsa toethat
ithwieofkan theti attnetptlwiethw
ehtowkd ahte moce to my wotkat dawg tjwotea pwitjw thbplumginb the needsa toet wha
ttnetiwht plubmginb with tahto ia tettenio the plbuing needsa ttention
athi htas hdc obhaveoc ome to my tattneto that ehplbumignb needs attentino
it has come tow pdumb sod steowk datthet plubming needsa ttention
ait has come ot my ashtwot abeve thatplumbing needsa
tit has come to my imdattention the plbujthe pgng enedsa ttention
hwat it has that oev ave thou have tppanthteplubming thneddsa ttention
ahve ttoajw ehyouave atteniton hte pblugminb have tyou aveeeht ave toh atent
have tha tevoekt alt wohvat ehok jt ewoa thave tho k
have tyou dahs to cme to attention taot wpl ave the ogorialla
the fot aks fow ekf attento n
the tha plubming neds attention
the pbus fowme woek the oald vevjw oa t
avofkw iat hav socomeing tow ding wo th may s ttent aow kdf eowkt ha eoe t
hat ekow dmt how tplutig bint he
aotkw dfow daks thwow
the gokf wlsob iwthe createure
ahtoef eiruthw dlfow
thathi hate has ocme to my attetnotiw the lade
thate dolave thao you that
thefoa veht oaieht plamgltit lia htate whave frealyy about athe pboreaa ble the howle
the nd
7. Points of Interest: the word "ogorialla" 13 lines up from the bottom.
8. I had a dream last night that I was wearing a really great skirt, but with my underpants down around my ankles. People would say "Hey, great skirt. Weird...underpants."
9. I woke up and sifted through my pile of clothes that's graces the threshold to my closet, and got embarrassed thinking about how I wore my underpants around my ankles the day before.
10. I was ashamed.
11. Later I remembered it was a dream.
12. Yesterday I had a lot of really interesting thoughts.
13. Today is looking okay too.
14. But not, like, GREAT.
15. These people are doing a crossword puzzle. Apparently it's hard today. Apparently its always harder on Sundays. Apparently they always gets together on Sundays to do the crossword puzzle.
16. "Sumpter" was one of the answers to their puzzle
17. I'm wearing a tick-tock click-clock. Ticktock ClickClock TickClock TockClick ClockTick
18. TickleCock
19. It's never too late to start planning for the future.
20. So why start now?
21. A Hand Grenade Sand Parade!
2. I woke up today thinking the electric silence had settled onto my house because my alarm clock was blank and sad.
3. But my fan was going. So I was wrong.
4. Yesterday, I wrote this:
It has come to my immediate attention that the plumbing needs attention5. Then I wrote that over and over while not looking at the keyboard and not backspacing:
It has come to my immediate atetnion that th epllumbing needs atetnion
It has coemto timy immediate attention that tpulbming needs attention
Ithascome mto my immediate attention that the lpubming nedsattention
theithascometoimyimmediateattentionthattheplumbing needsattention
ithascometomymiimdeateattentionthatthepuumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingnedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmignneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsantetion
ithascometomyattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyaatentionthatplubmingneedsatetion
ithascometomyattentionthattheplubmginenedsattetnion
ithascaometomytattentionthatptheplubmingneedsattentio
ithascometomyattetionthatieplubminganeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtpelubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyiemdatteiattentionthattheplubmignneesdsatatemiattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthathteplubmingneedsattetniont
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthathtelubimigneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatptheplbumingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediatemeiahtethaplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomymmediateattenitonthatplubmingneedsatetention
ithascometomyimmeidateattentionthathtpelubmingneedssatimatentig
theimahsidotkathwothathteplumbingneedsatteniton
tihasscometimyomatimmedateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
itahscometomyimmediateattenionthtathplubmingneedsattention
ithascomeitmyimeedateattentiontahtitplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmedaiteattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattetnionthatplumbingneedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattenitionthatolumibngineedsattention
ithascometomyimddeiateattenitonthaplubmingneedsattateion
ithascometomimmediateatteniton
thathteplubmignitindmithascoetomyimmediateattentionthatplumbingeedsattention
ithascometomyimmediateattentionthatplubmingneedsatteiton
ithascometomyimmediatattentionthatplubmignnedsattention
ithascometomyimdediatattentiotnathplubmignedsattention
ithascotmomyimmediateatttnionthatplubmignneedsatttion
6. Then I wrote it while reading a story that Ian was telling me about a gorilla.
it has domet o my atteniont ahtplubming needs atteniton
ita hscme to my attention that plubming needsa tention
it has come to my attention that plubmig the neesatt
ehit has come to my attention tkathe atptne
ithas hoemt o m aytentioned atn dpthe plubming needs atettnion
it has coem to my adtowktj the daily plumbing tneeds attehos
it hascometo my attention that eplbi the bplugming wheedsa tento
it ha scome to wideht so abne the plumbing eenedsa toethat
ithwieofkan theti attnetptlwiethw
ehtowkd ahte moce to my wotkat dawg tjwotea pwitjw thbplumginb the needsa toet wha
ttnetiwht plubmginb with tahto ia tettenio the plbuing needsa ttention
athi htas hdc obhaveoc ome to my tattneto that ehplbumignb needs attentino
it has come tow pdumb sod steowk datthet plubming needsa ttention
ait has come ot my ashtwot abeve thatplumbing needsa
tit has come to my imdattention the plbujthe pgng enedsa ttention
hwat it has that oev ave thou have tppanthteplubming thneddsa ttention
ahve ttoajw ehyouave atteniton hte pblugminb have tyou aveeeht ave toh atent
have tha tevoekt alt wohvat ehok jt ewoa thave tho k
have tyou dahs to cme to attention taot wpl ave the ogorialla
the fot aks fow ekf attento n
the tha plubming neds attention
the pbus fowme woek the oald vevjw oa t
avofkw iat hav socomeing tow ding wo th may s ttent aow kdf eowkt ha eoe t
hat ekow dmt how tplutig bint he
aotkw dfow daks thwow
the gokf wlsob iwthe createure
ahtoef eiruthw dlfow
thathi hate has ocme to my attetnotiw the lade
thate dolave thao you that
thefoa veht oaieht plamgltit lia htate whave frealyy about athe pboreaa ble the howle
the nd
7. Points of Interest: the word "ogorialla" 13 lines up from the bottom.
8. I had a dream last night that I was wearing a really great skirt, but with my underpants down around my ankles. People would say "Hey, great skirt. Weird...underpants."
9. I woke up and sifted through my pile of clothes that's graces the threshold to my closet, and got embarrassed thinking about how I wore my underpants around my ankles the day before.
10. I was ashamed.
11. Later I remembered it was a dream.
12. Yesterday I had a lot of really interesting thoughts.
13. Today is looking okay too.
14. But not, like, GREAT.
15. These people are doing a crossword puzzle. Apparently it's hard today. Apparently its always harder on Sundays. Apparently they always gets together on Sundays to do the crossword puzzle.
16. "Sumpter" was one of the answers to their puzzle
17. I'm wearing a tick-tock click-clock. Ticktock ClickClock TickClock TockClick ClockTick
18. TickleCock
19. It's never too late to start planning for the future.
20. So why start now?
21. A Hand Grenade Sand Parade!
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